Everyone gets angry. It's a normal response to feeling the threatened and is biologically determined. A primitive survival mechanism, anger is a response that assists the body to get ready to attack when threatened. The body then releases hormones that prepares it for the flight or fight response. When you get angry, you can feel your body tense, tingle, tighten or any number of other unpleasant sensations that beg for release. The body responds similarly to fear and to anger because the brain is stimulated for action, which includes other partsof the brain that actually shut off the thinking mode. The brain goes into emergency mode in that state.

     There is no problem in getting angry. There is a problem with how we behave when anger automatically takes us from 0-10, where 0 is where we feel ok and 10 is where we are either exploding with rage or withdrawing in fear. Clearly there are two kinds of responses, fight or flight, and two types of people. Those who typically respond to anger and fear through flight and than those who fight. The ones who flee are not any easier to live with than those who fight, because the withdrawal can be like a wall that doesn't let anyone in. To be on the other side of that wall can feel like deathly rejection. Some people oscilate from one of these states to the other.

     One of the hallmarks of the fight or flight response is that it helps us survive during dangerous situations, we therefor experience it as an emergency and a call to action. When the reaction to anger is inappropriate - either violent (hitting, yelling, throwing things, name-calling, biting, pushing, dangerous driving, etc) or complete shutdown (hiding, running away, silence, isolation) when there is no real physical threat, then something is seriuosly wrong. Most likely we are reacting to an event that occurred in our past that has been hidden unerground in our psyche, some kind of trauma from which we have never healed, but that still effects us. Individuals who suffer from inappropriate threat responses suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder,) and experience very low self-confidence and low self-worth.

     Sometimes we don't even know that a trauma has happened to us. That's not as strange as it sounds. As children we are prisoners of war and happenstance in our families. We have to be able to survive childhood, and therefor cope when we experience neglect, abuse, or violence. As youngsters we may not have the adult support to process such difficulties, nor are our inner strengths sufficiently developed. Repression and Denial are important defense mechanisms that aid our ability to regroup and keep moving forward. Forgettig that the traumatic event happened - tucking it away in our unconscious mind, allows us to forget. Yet, even if we don't remember, it still happened and still effects us. Until we are ready to deal with it.

     Meanwhile, let's address the dangerous AER and begin by following these. The Rules of Anger:

Do TALK about how it to someone.

1. It's all right to feel angry, BUT

2. Don't hurt yourself.

3. Don't hurt someone else.

4. Don't injure property.

     Call me so we can work it out, or for questions.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

www.RitaCanHelp.com

     Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a Family Therapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting. Are there difficult children? You bet!

     However, in the majority of cases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The single most effective parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. The safety and secure container that parents offer their offspring when they are united in this way, is a powerful buffer and nurturing environment in which children grow and parents thrive.

     In this day and age with me men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Women no longer lead the way, thankfully, in being identified as the parental expert. With the good, comes the challenge. There is more cause for conflict now with two parents and two sets of ideas about what's best for your child.

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power than your child, your child will be less likely to play one of you against the other, and you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Lovingkindness. This is perhaps an even more stunning miracle. When practiced correctly, it provides the salve for all of the friction that marriage and parenting presents.

     Lest you think you're alredy off the hook, there is one more skill I recommend you adopt. The Disciplinje of Consequences. This is the basis of all discipline that is effective, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next. This is where creativity is key.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences they will take you seriously.

Please contact me if you have any further questions.

All the best,
Dr. Rita
www.RitaCanHelp.com

     In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I am often asked to define abusive behavior. In this day and age the label "abuse" is sometimes misunderstood. I'm including a checklist edited from  Victim Services of New City, New York to help you ascertain jthe degree of violence in your life.
     Abusive conduct is rooted in the need to control another person through the use of force or coercion. It is an abuse of power. It can be physical (violent), psychological (threatening) or economically offensive and controlling behavior. With time it always gets worse.  
     Ask:him: Do you think you have a right to employ such behavior in order to gain compliance to your point of view?  A "yes" indicates danger since s/he feels entitled to manipulate and tyranize others. To the partner  or victim, ask: Do you think your partner is justified in adopting such techniques? Have you ever experienced other relationships where you find yourself to be in the role of victim or abuser?
     As a victim, it's really challenging to get mobilized because your self-esteem has been seriously damaged.  Do something nice for yourself, and get some help:  N.O.W., hospitals, psychotherapists, and various hotlines offer assistance.  As the abuser, you can begin by taking responsibility for your behavior, and then get the help you can immediately, before you seriously injure someone. Begin by systematically eliminating one behavior at a time. Remember, no matter how bad things might be, you can always change if you are truly motivated and committed.
     In the check list that follows, circle each behavior that you have utilized or been victimized by in the past six months. The greater the number of items that have been circled, the higher the danger level of abuse existing and increasing, in a particular relationship. Whether you are victim or perpetrator, you are not helpless to change your situation.   
Physical Violence
1. slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
2. rape (use of force, threats or coercion to obtain sex)
3. use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten others, throwing things or damaging things.
4. intimidation: standing in doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over you/him/her, out shouting, driving  recklessly.
5. threats: verbal, nonverbal, direct, indirect
6. isolation (preventing or making it difficult for you/her/him to seek or talk to friends, relatives or others).
Psychological and Economic Abuse
1. yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising voice, using angry expressions or gestures, embarrassing you/him/her in public
2. criticism:  name-calling, swearing, mocking, put downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures
3. sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating the children, abusing feelings
4. nterrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting your/his/her words
5. economic coercion:  withholding money, the car or other resources, sabotaging your/her/his attempts to work
6. lying, withholding information, infidelity
7. withholding help on:  child care, housework, financial matters; not doing your/his/her share, failing to follow through on your agreements
8.  failure to pay attention, absence of compliments, failure to respect your/his/her feelings, opinions and rights
9. abusing yourself: excessive use of drugs or alcohol, not asking for help or support, failure to maintain a healthy lifestyle, being a "people pleaser," secretive.
All the best,
Dr. Rita
www.RitaCanHelp.com

      Avoidance is a defense- mechanism  learned to protect us from dealing with issues that are too hot to handle.  Most of us grow up in families where we, at least occasionally, get angry and upset with a situation that we can do nothing about. There are a limited number of methods that we can use to cope with those upsets and one of the most successful is avoidance.
      Imagine growing up in a family with an angry, critical father  who engenders fear in everyone including yourself.  As a child, there is very little you can do to change the situation or your father who scares you to death.  You probably try to be good, erroneously believing that it’s your fault that he is like that just because he blames YOU when he gets angry. 
    One of my clients remembers his father yelling when he was five years old, “You little ungrateful shit, you purposely left your scooter in the  hall.” And then, he slammed you one across the face. Now, chances are that you surely didn’t leave the scooter there on purpose. Chances are that when you were five, you just weren’t paying attention. Your mind was somewhere else by the time you were done with the scooter, you were already thinking of taking out your puzzles. However, you were just a little kid, and you believed your father because he was older, bigger and far more powerful than you. So, you started paying attention to being really really good. Somehow, regardless of how good you were, he found other reasons to get angry.
     Another patient remembers her mother getting furious with her, slapping her, and then not talking with her for three days when she was eight years old because she shoved her little brother when he ripped the hair out of her favorite doll’s head.
     Parents can be difficult. Despite how much they may love you, they come loaded with their own baggage and aren’t always on their best behavior as parents ought to be. Parents are human and make mistakes. And that's ok, as long as the parenting you get is "good enough."  Living leads to having to learn how to cope with our parents’ bad behavior.

    In comes Avoidance. One of the most effective coping mechanisms that exist. Avoidance allows us to stop thinking about things that are difficult. Stop feeling what hurts. Stop talking about what’s uncomfortable. Not deal when we don't have the skills.
     The consequences of Avoidance, however, go way beyond childhood, in that it can becomesa way of life in dealing with other people even when we grow up, and when there there is no longer anything to fear, as there was during childhood.
    Take for example another client who is extremely passive with his wife, never brings up an issue that bothers him, and in general is usually angry with her, and therefore often acts in a passive-aggressive manner with her. (Passive-Aggressive behavior is when someone does something negative in a sneaky manner and denies his or her responsibility for that behavior.) He is angry because she is the only one who brings up issues, and he feels picked upon. He feels much like he felt as a child with his parents. Yet he avoids telling her how he feels, the anger between them grows, and eventually they end up in divorce court, or if they're lucky, they come to me where I teach them three thing.
     1. When you feel upset, realize that you are an adult now and you can confront people - even your parents.
     2. What you feel upset about is legitimate.
     3. How? Find a way to express what troubles you in a respectful , kind manner.
All the best,
Dr. Rita

    I don't know if anyone's ever written about this, although I'm quite certain that I'm not alone in this state of writing paralysis. I'm afraid to Google this, because I don't want other people's words, just my own jumbled up thoughts and low-motivational blogging state. It's been a month since I have last written, and I give myself lots of excuses: I'm too busy with the holidays, doctor appointments, company, or it's either exercise, meditation or blogging. I'm not even sure if my blogging is doing any good. Blogging for l8 months at this point. I have this imaginary audience in my head. Well, except for two people who once responded to one of these seventy or so blogs, I have no idea who is reading my blogs. Little numbers on the bottom of my blog track how many times it's been read, opened, moved, or something. When I consider that if a thousand or so people or computers opened my page, then why have only two made responses, then I imagine millions of cookies in back of the computer, connected to zillions of yellow ethernet cables, that go from my house to phone lines, over invisible paths in the atmosphere to the big motherboard in the sky that search engines somehow pick up, and maybe the only ones who are noting my blogs are those techno-connectors. And that makes me feel like, why bother?

     But then again, when I did get those two responses, yes, only two out of 45,000 connections, it made my heart go flippety flap, warm and cozy to think that two people, not just cables or wires, actually took the time to read what I poured out of my heart and took the trouble to respond. Well, it made my eyes wet with joy.

     It kind of reminds me of my son calling me periodically for as long as 18 minutes of just chatting, sharing, getting into each other's busy lives, and I feel so full and happy. Whereas, his normal mode is to just kind of kick my tires periodically - you know, 30 seconds of: how are you, i'm ok too, gotta go now, very busy. Oy! Then I feel kind of empty, hollow, as if I'm standing up, my tires are full, I'm ready to go, but I'm out of gas.

    Not to belabor this metaphor, but the 18 minute conversation reminds me of when my son was seven. A gangly, skinny, gorgeous blond creature who thought I was the center of the universe, loved sitting on my lap while I rocked, hugged him, and covered his little head, neck and shoulders with kisses. Speaking of full. My heart feels like it's about to bust now, as I image this gorgeous memory that a dear friend brought to mind yesterday.

     So back to blogging blocks. The thing of it is that since I have no idea whether anyone, beyond the search engines is even there reading, I don't feel motivated to write just so my tires get kicked. Oy! And I had made a commitment to myself 18 months ago that I'd be one of those weekly bloggers, not just for the glory of maybe being discovered. I hoped that if only one or two percent of those  seventy-two thousand hits would be real people who'd take a couple of minutes our of their insanely overwhelmingly busy days, read and comment on my blog, then I'd be fulfilling some purpose in the grand scheme of things.

     Now, I'm satisfying the performer part of me that needs to get stuff out on paper instead of lying in bed and just thinking. Writing is obviously therapeutic, and this morning I'm feeling freed up some, and I can go back to bed and meditate for a while , stop thinking, and wake up feeling zippy in an hour or so instead of stuffy, exhausted and heavy from angst.

All the best,

Dr. Rita