This question came up for me yesterday when I decided to make myself a healthy lunch. As I was assembling the ingredients that included, lettuce and basil from my deck garden, sliced strawberries, blueberries, shredded carrots, snap peas, walnuts and boiled shrimp dressed with a lovely olive oil that I bought out of a keg in a local specialty store, and champagne vinegar from Trader Joe's it occurred to me how much work this was. It literally took 40 minutes to wash, dry, prep, and clean up after myself. That seemed like an extraordinary amount of time to make little ole' me lunch.
     Prior to that, I had spent my time talking to clients, making phone calls related to household issues, going through email, making my bed, swimming for 30 minutes, showering and getting dressed, having a simple breakfast, and all that seemed worthwhile. BUT how much time do I deserve to give myself to make lunch? Had I just grabbed some goat cheese and carrots, an oatmeal bar, or a turkey sandwhich on a bagel, or a can of soup it would have taken five minutes. Not only that, but it doesn't take that long to eat all of that. Whereas, it takes quite a while to fork, chew and swallow a big mixed salad.
     So many of us are altogether willing to do for others, isn't that the American way? OK. So I decided I'm worth it, and followed it up with a yummy dinner that took about 20 minutes to prep, then cook. I also took the time to read, take a walk and meditate. I really had to work at self-nurturing and to believe that "I deserve it." But all too frequently, we come last.  What happens when we come last? We become resentful for one thing, and we tend to expect others to make us first, or at least count, and when they don't, we get really angry. Additionally, no one ends up takeing care of us...if we don't.  

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita

 Some people say that self-confidence is something you either have or are born without. Others believe that environmental factors in your childhood contribute to the formation of your self-esteem. Everyone agrees, however, that the most successful people are always self-confident. Maybe they're shy, perhaps they even suffer from emotional issues that are worse than yours, but they exude confidence.

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Do you feel trapped even when you know that you should leave, that the relationship that you are in is not good for you? Do you find that your intellect and your emotions don't even seem to know each other, let alone get along? Does your mind tell you one thing, while your body and emotions know another? When this person is bad for you, is scraping the dregs of your self-esteem into the garbage, when everyone else knows that this person is your nemesis, your poison, why are you the last to know, really know, in your gut and in your heart? And then, why does it take so long for reality to catch up with your ability to take action and to say your final goodbye?

     Don't worry, you're not alone. Very many women and men have undergone this type of situation at one point in their lives. You are not a freak! Kind of going through your dummy stage, that's all. The dummy stage is when you are not taking good enough care of yourself because you don't have the tools yet.

     The underlying stuckness lies in the proclivity we humans all share, a deep need to feel connection to another human. This is literally a foundation need, that when met by our parents when we were infants and young children, empowers us for the rest of our lives to have the capacity to be alone and disconnected from others for a time, because the deep, meaningful connection that our parents were able to have with us, enabled us to develop that same connection with our core self. With that piece of ephemeral string that connects me to my inner me, where I can withstand standing alone as a child, as an adult.

     A sweet six-year old girl that I know was fortunate enough to have been born into a family with parents who are grown-ups, who have enough of their own core self intact, that they can parent appropriately and lovingly. Yes, I say lucky, because the family that we are born into is completely a matter of luck - good or bad, although some people may call it kharma, and others who believe in past lives, may call it yet something else. But for this life, I'd like to assert that our parents' capacity to make us feel safe, connected and loved as young children, implodes into our core belief in feeling safe in the world, loveable, and at peace with our own inner self.

    The girl, Shawna, was in the playground recently when her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her today because she wanted to play with another girl instead. Shawna didn't cry. She went to the swing and played by herself. When I said, "That must really hurt to be told that she doesn't want to play with you," and I gave her a hug. Shawna hugged me back and said, "It's okay, I understand, and yes, I feel bad too." After another moment, she smiled up at me and ran back to the swing. Shawna was innoculated for self-esteem and loveability by her parents. She will probably never need to attach herself to people who don't want her, or mistreat her.

    However, when we did not receive the booster that parents can provide, and instead had parents who abandoned, rejected, neglected or abused us, we have a huge learning to accomplish - to develop unconditional friendliness toward our self. With that new database intact, we can have a clearer vision and a more powerful push to reject those who reject us.

     Psychotherapy, Meditation and Writing are three pathways to healing that I recommend.

All the best,

Dr. Rita