Intimacy doesn't just happen. As much as we all would like to have a best friend, a lover, a partner, we have to first go through the six stages on the highway of connection toward every kind of meaningful relationship.
Stranger: a person you just met recently, have not spent much time with and don't know very well.
Acquaintance: a person you know casually, most likely through other friends, or possibly from work.
Buddy: a person you know superficially and spend time with when mutually convenient but not necessarily because of mutual caring. This is someone from the office that you might go out with after work, or a buddy with whom you would go to meet other people, or someone you are in the process of getting to know better.
Companion:  a casual friend with whom you have a low level of commitment, and with whom you spend time doing particular activities, which are sometimes more important to you then the person himself. This could be a tennis partner, a shopping companion, a skiing buddy or for some people even a sex partner. This could also be someone who is on the way to becoming a real friend.

Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     The whole idea of boundaries is of interest to me of late. A boundary is defined as a line between countries, between people, between our very own cells. The boundary clarifies what stays in and what stays out of a given entity.

     When two people get married or commit to each other, they want to develop a boundary around their relationship that needs to be guarded no differently than the way a boundary between two countries is guarded by border patrol police, for example, the border between Mexico and the United States. 
     In a viable marriage where the external boundary is hopefully fitted with a little white picket fence so that others can be invited to come in from time to time, there develops an interdependency between the couple - a healthy balance of independence and dependence. Yet even within the boundary of the relationship there are more boundaries.

     The diagram above illustrates how a healthy relationship operates when there is interdependence. Each member of the couple is responsible to and for themself as well as to and for the relationship. She is taking care of #1 and #3 and he is taking care of #2 and #3. In this way no one is overloaded and both get taken care of, and there are two people nurturing and taking care of the relationship. There is a separation, a boundary around each one so that there can be continued personal development. On the other hand, an unhealthy relationship is one where she is taking care of #2 and #3 and he is taking care of #2, thus leaving no one to take care of #1-less often, it is the man who is in the over-responsible position.

     What else does this external boundary mean? You are each other's family, the commitment is surprisingly strong, and you can relax as you and your partner create a new beginning.  Working on your marriage, which means talking about what you like and what you don't like will protect the warm glow and loving feelings between both of you.  When your relationship is honest, your needs get met and you are content - there is no desire for other sex partners. 

     The internal boundary connotes nurturing your marriage, giving each other the space to fulfill individual needs tht will create a sense of freedom and satisfaction for both of you. In this day of economic hardship and family struggles, it is important for men to take an active role in the business of emotional relating and for women to share the responsibilities in the business of making money.  Real intimacy is fostered in an atmosphere of equality and fairness.  It cannot fully actualize between two people of disparate power.  Marriage is no harder or easier than being single, it is just another option.  Success depends on both partners' willingness to confront issues and to always remember that you are a team!

All the best,

Dr. Rita