This question came up for me yesterday when I decided to make myself a healthy lunch. As I was assembling the ingredients that included, lettuce and basil from my deck garden, sliced strawberries, blueberries, shredded carrots, snap peas, walnuts and boiled shrimp dressed with a lovely olive oil that I bought out of a keg in a local specialty store, and champagne vinegar from Trader Joe's it occurred to me how much work this was. It literally took 40 minutes to wash, dry, prep, and clean up after myself. That seemed like an extraordinary amount of time to make little ole' me lunch.
     Prior to that, I had spent my time talking to clients, making phone calls related to household issues, going through email, making my bed, swimming for 30 minutes, showering and getting dressed, having a simple breakfast, and all that seemed worthwhile. BUT how much time do I deserve to give myself to make lunch? Had I just grabbed some goat cheese and carrots, an oatmeal bar, or a turkey sandwhich on a bagel, or a can of soup it would have taken five minutes. Not only that, but it doesn't take that long to eat all of that. Whereas, it takes quite a while to fork, chew and swallow a big mixed salad.
     So many of us are altogether willing to do for others, isn't that the American way? OK. So I decided I'm worth it, and followed it up with a yummy dinner that took about 20 minutes to prep, then cook. I also took the time to read, take a walk and meditate. I really had to work at self-nurturing and to believe that "I deserve it." But all too frequently, we come last.  What happens when we come last? We become resentful for one thing, and we tend to expect others to make us first, or at least count, and when they don't, we get really angry. Additionally, no one ends up takeing care of us...if we don't.  

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita

     Sometimes I wish I could be a fairy god-mother and sprinkle pixie dust on all of my clients so that they can achieve their goals and get out from behind their obstacles. What I do offer my clients is an uncanny ability diagnose the nature of the obstacles that are obstructing their happiness, and insight into behavior that they could alter if they choose. The fact is that change is difficult, and although self-awareness is the key to healing, most of us are frightened of knowing. That might seem silly, but I have personally had that experience, as have thousands of people that I have treated.  

           The bad news is that Willpower is not enough. The good news is that Motivation, Commitment, and courage is all that you need. That's all?

    Let me tell you a personal anecdote. I am an Endomorph. My type, The Endomorph, generally fights the battle of the bulge, loves to eat, and often suffers from an aversion to physical activity. Were I to have had the good luck to have been born an Ectomorph: a person with a thin body, I would enjoy having my cake, eating it and being skinny too. Alternatively, I wouldn't have minded being born a Mesmorph: a person with muscles and an athletic orientation.

     To be healthy, Endomorphs like me need to stay motivated and committed to eat well and move their body on a regular basis. Just today I walked two and a half miles and had a wonderful breakfast of 1 slice of dry wholewheat toast, 2 eggwhites as an omelet, sliced tomatoes and lettuce, and a cup of Orange Zinger Tea. Later in the day I had a salad and a cup of chicken broth. I feel motivated today to be good to myself. Why? Because I believe that building muscles, and losing a little weight will decrease my back pain. Why? Because I have come to that conclusion based on trying everything else to help the chronicity of my back pain.

     However, willpower is not enough. You cannot use your power to will yourself to do something. You have to just put one foot in front of the other and do it. I met a woman in my elevator building the other day who had just returned from a run. She was definitely a mesomorph. We spoke a little and she said, "I'm thrilled that I'm DONE with my exercise. I hate doing it, but I love to be done with it." How do you motivate yourself? I asked her. "I give myself no choice. It's just somehting I do every day like brushing my teeth, washing my face, going to sleep at night. It's what I do." Great advice, I thought.

     Tomorrow is my third day of walking for an hour. I've scheduled it as a 'date' with a good friend. I'm looking forward to it. I'm on a roll.

All the best,

Dr. Rita 

     Two research projects from California and Pennsylvania report the intensely stressful emotional 
and social repercussions of parenthood.Three interesting results have been identified:
1) In 50% of the cases in these studies, marital satisfaction declined after the birth of a first child.
2) Postponing parenthood seems to make no difference in the measure of distress experienced. 
3) When a couple become parents, they seem to automatically and unconsciously revert to traditional  gender-specific roles, even when both work outside the home.
     I have observed similar repercussions. Many couples who enjoyed a highly sexual and loving relationship before the birth of their first baby,find themselves,even two years later, more distant, angry and dissatisfied with marriage and with each other.  Couples who wait until their late 30's to marry and/or have children, seem to suffer similar kinds of consequences. And somehow, no matter how much equality exists before parenthood, women seem to fall into traditional roles where they identify themselves as the primary parent, taking on the major work of child rearing, while men fall into typical breadwinner roles, leaving the child to their wives. 
  
Steven and Jill wed in their late 30's. After two years Paul was born. They had been madly in love and successfully coped with a complicated life including two careers and a large extended family. Jill stopped working for an indefinite period of time during the last tri-mester of her pregnancy. Steven, in an effort to make up for this financial void, increased his work load.  When their baby was born Jill became increasingly angry at Steven for his lack of involvement and help with the baby. Steven thought that what he could use was another pair of hands along with 12 more hours in each day. Jill's attachment to the baby grew inversely to her distancing from her husband.  When he did make attempts to spend time with Paul, Jill always second guessed him and was critical of his approach. Steven in turn, felt more and more inadequate, was reluctant to spend time with his son, and relented only when he could no longer tolerate Jill's nagging. At the same time, Jill's interest in sex perished while Steven's resentment multiplied. As the couple played out their conflicts in two new arenas: sexual dissatisfaction and baby care, love and marriage nearly died.

     When they began working with me, we addressed the issue biggest issue of all. Any time someone is added or subtracted from a family, a crisis ensues. The work of dealing with that crisis is what Steven and Jill had to take on. The normalcy that I described to them regarding the challenge and opportunity for change that their son Paul brought with him, helped to alter their attitude. Instead of thinking she was crazy, Jill realized through our conversations, that Steven was doing the best that he could, albeit not quite what she needed. Simultaneously, Steven began to see how his obsession with work left Jill out in the cold with their baby and that she felt lonely and abandoned by him. They both were willing to address their emotions and behavior, and put several changes in place. Steven agreed to limit his hours of work-focus. Jill agreed to limit her criticisms. Steven agreed to spend more time with his wife and child. Jill agreed to spend less money. Slowly, they each made concessions and began to like each other again.

      Remember, the studies that I quoted earlier were clear that there was a 50/50 chance of failure after parenthood. There is also a 50/50 chance at success.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

 Some people say that self-confidence is something you either have or are born without. Others believe that environmental factors in your childhood contribute to the formation of your self-esteem. Everyone agrees, however, that the most successful people are always self-confident. Maybe they're shy, perhaps they even suffer from emotional issues that are worse than yours, but they exude confidence.

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita

Here is the last of this 3 part blog on how to handle cloudy weather in your marriage.

Today we will talk about the phenomenon of Closeness/Distance and Time Together/Time Apart.

CLOSENESS/DISTANCE:

   We all have different needs when it comes to how close we want to be to others. This is a function of culture, family and individual experiences with intimacy. Think of it as your comfort level with someone who is talking to you. Do you feel comfortable with them nose to nose, or do you prefer to have them at arm's length?

In a similar sense, imagine that there are emotional units of distance between you and your partner. Perhaps you are comfortable with a nice fat 7. However, chances are that you are with someone who requires a 3 to be truly happy.

     What to do?  Compromise doesn't usually come without sweat and tears. Somehow you two have to be willing to move off your own comofort level and get a little closer to the other's. Perhaps you'll learn to settle for a 5 where everybody gives a little.

    What to do when you feel like you are not getting enough closeness? Your best bet is to focus more on yourself, find ways to create joy and interest in your life by yourself or with friends and hobbies.

     What to do when you feel like you are not getting enough distance? If your partner is unhappy with more distance, then it behooves you to learn to be less of an isolate and more of a lover. By virtue of being in a committed relationship you have to be willing to give. Here's your chance.

TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART:

      Similarly to closenss and distance, this is a large area of conflict for most couples. Some people believe that marriage means crazy glue, while others need to breathe and have a life apart even when together with a significant other.

     If you find that you are arguing about this throughout your relationship, don't be surprised. There'll always be a part of you that would prefer to have more or less time together or apart than your partner. Life isn't perfect, and neither are our relationships.

     Once again, the solution lies in developing yoruself as an individual AS WELL as having a partnership that has plenty of togetherness. The balance is key.

These five Marital Hot Spots: Sex, Money, In-Laws, Closeness/Distance and Time Together/Time Apart can never be totally avoided. If you're lucky, you only have one or two to deal with. Don't assume that having these conflicts is a signal that your relationshp is doomed. This is what's meant as the "work" of marriage.

All the best,

Dr. Rita