This question came up for me yesterday when I decided to make myself a healthy lunch. As I was assembling the ingredients that included, lettuce and basil from my deck garden, sliced strawberries, blueberries, shredded carrots, snap peas, walnuts and boiled shrimp dressed with a lovely olive oil that I bought out of a keg in a local specialty store, and champagne vinegar from Trader Joe's it occurred to me how much work this was. It literally took 40 minutes to wash, dry, prep, and clean up after myself. That seemed like an extraordinary amount of time to make little ole' me lunch.
     Prior to that, I had spent my time talking to clients, making phone calls related to household issues, going through email, making my bed, swimming for 30 minutes, showering and getting dressed, having a simple breakfast, and all that seemed worthwhile. BUT how much time do I deserve to give myself to make lunch? Had I just grabbed some goat cheese and carrots, an oatmeal bar, or a turkey sandwhich on a bagel, or a can of soup it would have taken five minutes. Not only that, but it doesn't take that long to eat all of that. Whereas, it takes quite a while to fork, chew and swallow a big mixed salad.
     So many of us are altogether willing to do for others, isn't that the American way? OK. So I decided I'm worth it, and followed it up with a yummy dinner that took about 20 minutes to prep, then cook. I also took the time to read, take a walk and meditate. I really had to work at self-nurturing and to believe that "I deserve it." But all too frequently, we come last.  What happens when we come last? We become resentful for one thing, and we tend to expect others to make us first, or at least count, and when they don't, we get really angry. Additionally, no one ends up takeing care of us...if we don't.  

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita

     Most of us are not schizophrenic, yet we all have many parts within us that represent different aspects of ourselves. Imagine the captain of your parts as consisting of the you that's capable, adult and in charge. Then there are the parts of you that are the playful childlike you that enjoys tennis, golf or scrabble. There are the parts that are the parent who keeps you, or your own real life children, on the straight and narrow. There are the parts that show up when you're having sex and are passionate. There are the parts that are wounded, neglected and very young.

     In my work, I often find that this latter part is often ignored and rejected by the adults that I'm treating, no differently then it was rejected by his or her parents. Therefor, I often hear people say that they wish that wounded part of them would just go away and stop crying.

     When you think about it, what that neglected part of us always needs is support, love and nurturing, most especially if during childhood its own parents wanted it to just go away. Only through such care will that part be healed and integrated into the adult personality as a viable entity.

     One of the men I had treated for depression and anxiety, let's call him Harry, just sent me this note and poem and gave me permission to publish it on this blog:

Dear Rita- I'm so grateful to you for having helped me identify "Little Harry" last year.  I have worked with him at a level I never thought possible and I have gone inside myself through Little Harry and have found what I can only call a miracle. I've reconnected with my true self and now spend most of my time soul-based as opposed to in my head. It is simply the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me and it is what I've been looking for my whole life. Life and my decisions are so much clearer now and everything that has happened to me to this point makes perfect sense now. I have attached a poem that I wrote which I think describes the experience well. Thank you again Rita and God bless you and I hope to talk to you again soon.

Little Harry

A young boy, filled with love and so full of promise,
And then a loss unimaginable and with it fear and pain.

Yet he must survive,
so he hides from the pain,
and slips into the shadows.

Discarded and disliked,
he feels neglected and grows needy.

And then one day a woman arrives,
and he recognizes her,and he begins a different journey.

And then the pain comes again,
And how else could he react.

But this time is different because a man is present.

It starts with an embrace,
Tears that fill an ocean,
guilt and shame.

Then acceptance,
And the boy arrives.

He cries like a baby.
He is obsessive, dysfunctional,
in so much pain.

He requires love and healing.
And the man provides.

Then he discovers he has a heart of gold,
and his love begins to flow,
and the Universe can feel his power.

Sadness has always surrounded his soul,
But soon joy begins to fill it.

Now he is with me,
playing at my feet,
and I no longer mind.

Because he is who I am.

      I am so thrilled for Harry and Little Harry and want everyone the same good fortune: courage to meet and greet the neglected self, take care of him or her with compassion.

All the best,
Dr. Rita