As babies we had the luxury of having our minds read by our parents, usually Mommy. This was a wonderful feeling, that there was someone in the world who would meet our every desire with only a cry or a grunt.   

     Mothers usually have the knack for reading their baby's mind, interpreting each distinct cry and meeting the need for a hug, a burp, a bottle or a fresh diaper. Around the time when language enters the child's sphere, there begins a stage called "separation-individuation" when the early bond between mother and baby begins to fray, and the child begins its journey into maturation -the mind reading stops too.

     Understandably, we sometimes yearn to be understood the way we were as infants. We once had Camelot, and now have lost it.  Never to be had again. It's called, Life. 

 
     As adults we need to ask for what we want and don't want. This gives us a 50% chance of getting it, and our relationships a 90% chance of success.  

     One of my patients once said, "It doesn't mean anything to me if I have to ask her for it. Why can't she just know what I need?  If she comes with me to a basketball game because she wants to, it means so much more to me than if I ask her. She should just know that I want her to do that."

     His girlfriend Hope responded, "Chris, you make it too hard  for me.  I can't just read your mind. The other day when you said you were going to the game and I said that I'd stay home and catch up on my housework, you got so mad at me and slammed out of the house. If only you'd have asked me to go with you, I think I would have.  I'm happy doing things to please you.  But you have to ask me for what you want."

     People who have unreaslitic expectations, like Chris, are doomed for countless cycles of unhappiness in their relationships. They end up feeling disappointed and resentful without cause. In a sense, their wish to have their mind read is an unwillingness to grow up. Being an adult means that you have to state what you want, what you need, what you would prefer and sometimes it means that you have to negotiate for it, even fight for it. Other people see things differently than we do, respond differently and even value things other than we do. Believing that real love is about being one person, one heart, one mind, sets you up to expect the impossible dream. 

    Part of the confusion arises from the fact that there are times when you truly "know" what would make your partner happy.  Or, you are the kind of person who had to be super-vigilant in your family of origin in order to survive and have developed a sixth sense that allows you to "read" people. That is when some people develop the misconception that love means getting your mind read, and that when it is not then your partner is being unconcerned or withholding.

    So, if you want a healthy and happy relationship, grow up!

All the best,

Dr. Rita  

     Intimacy doesn't just happen. As much as we all would like to have a best friend, a lover, a partner, we have to first go through the six stages on the highway of connection toward every kind of meaningful relationship.
Stranger: a person you just met recently, have not spent much time with and don't know very well.
Acquaintance: a person you know casually, most likely through other friends, or possibly from work.
Buddy: a person you know superficially and spend time with when mutually convenient but not necessarily because of mutual caring. This is someone from the office that you might go out with after work, or a buddy with whom you would go to meet other people, or someone you are in the process of getting to know better.
Companion:  a casual friend with whom you have a low level of commitment, and with whom you spend time doing particular activities, which are sometimes more important to you then the person himself. This could be a tennis partner, a shopping companion, a skiing buddy or for some people even a sex partner. This could also be someone who is on the way to becoming a real friend.

Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita