BRIDE’S GUIDE TO EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL
   Forget Prozac. Avoid Valium. This book is true preventative medicine!

     The journey to your wedding day begins with a simple “yes” and you set into motion one of the most emotionally charged and psychologically challenging of all society’s rituals. Marriage, like birth and death, eclipses the routine of our daily lives through its sheer drama, symbolism, and importance. Expectations and sensitivities run high; your romance is thrust into the public spotlight. Add to that the complications of planning such an extravaganza, and the effect can be overwhelming. It’s not surprising that more than half of all engaged couples experience very real pre-wedding stress that puts their relationship to the test.

     A secret that few brides share, perhaps because they think they are alone in their angst, is that they are overwhelmed by the onslaught of issues that crop up just before their wedding. Many lose their footing as they plot the many details of walking down the aisle. During this supposed-to-be happy time, some couples find themselves squabbling and stressed out. Most soon-to-be brides deal with at least one or two of the following issues: family pressures, money, differing religions and traditions, nerves, fear, second thoughts, and divided loyalty.

     Any problem regarding one’s wedding day is a nice problem to have, you might say. I totally agree. Weddings are magical and every bride is truly beautiful. The hidden side of weddings, however, can be an emotional roller coaster.

     Bride’s Guide to Emotional Survival will teach you how to navigate the emotional hot spots that flare up as a couple plans their nuptials combining meaningful information with important tools to enable you to combat all types of difficulties. We will explore the underlying dynamics of pre-wedding stress and provide specific solutions to these problems.

     Odds are that you will not need to deal with all of the issues discussed in this book. However, you can be assured that you will find an answer to your most common concerns regarding this important phase in your life. As you read you can also feel comforted to learn how other women have overcome similar or even more challenging problems.

     Bride’s Guide to Emotional Survival is all about how to successfully survive those little surprises that could otherwise mar your wedding day. Throughout the book we will be exploring the elements of a healthy relationship, to ensure that your marriage gets off on the right foot. As OPRAH said when I was on her show, "It's not just about the wedding, it's about the marriage."

     Becoming engaged and married can be a lot trickier than it sounds (isn't everything?) It's funny, because until we attain it, marriage is our goal. As we actually approach it, it becomes our obsession. And once we have it, it becomes our challenge.

     The tactics in this book, along with your own good sense of course, will help you to achieve a joyful wedding and guide you toward a happy, satisfying life with your groom’s loving arms around you.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

     I have noticed that more of my patients are experiencing anxiety than ever before. Their symptoms include difficulty sleeping, weight gain or loss, worry, tension, panic, restlessness, difficulty concentrating and irritability. What’s going on? Anxiety is the state of feeling at odds with oneself, afraid, confused and out of balance. 

     These are uncertain times both politically and economically. People are feeling a lack of control over their pocketbooks, over their safety. There is a war going on in Iraq, in the Middle East, in Afghanistan, and a new president who is not likely to be our messiah, yet we are all hopeful. 

     Periodic anxiety is just a fact of being human. When anxiety is pervasive, when you feel out of sorts more often than not, when it includes panic that you cannot recover from easily, you have a real problem that deserves a real solution. Although we don't have much power over the world at large, there is a lot we can do to manage our own reactions to external events, both global and familial.

     The first thing to do is to be clear about the What, Where, When and How. Get to know your unwelcome visitor, THE ANXIETY. Consider a log to track the times when it makes its appearance. Be aware of body sensations, emotions, images, thoughts at these times. Notice how it moves in and out of your consciousness.

RATE IT
On a scale of zero to ten, with zero standing for no anxiety at all, and ten representing the worst anxiety you have ever experienced, what number are you feeling now? This is a powerful skill, you are starting to take control.

THE BEGINNING
Next, ask yourself when it began, and see if you can connect the Anxiety to a particular incident from the recent or distant past.

     I saw a woman in my office - call her Shawna. She had a flying phobia and yet since her husband’s family lived in another city she was forced to travel. Very often. The anxiety about the anxiety took over her life. In tracking the What, Where, When and How, we noticed a pattern related to her FEELINGS about her husband’s family. It wasn’t pretty. When with her in-laws, Shawna felt unwelcome, left out, and neglected by her husband. Avoidance is a respectable defense mechanism at times. By developing the anxiety Shawna took control and stayed home, as opposed to being left out by going along. Yet the anxiety was too pricey. 
     The first thing we did was work with both Self-Hypnosis and EMDR to lower Shawn's general sense of panic and anxiety, and build self-confidence.  
     Shawna courageously told her husband that she wasn’t happy staying at home and avoiding his family, but that going along with him was a problem that HE needed to fix. We developed a plan for Shawna’s husband to advocate for his wife and affirm her place in his life – demanding, that his family treat her with respect and friendship.
     It worked! The family changed because Shawna stood up for herself, and because her husband, in turn, stood up to his family for her. The panic attacks and anxiety were relegated to an old memory. The control that Shawna harnessed by calling up the anxiety – albeit unconsciously, was transformed into a totally conscious and more effective control. 
     Don't let Anxiety become your identity, it's just negative energy.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

    Sometimes we go around wrapped in dysfunctional themes that play havoc with our lives. Like chains of imprisonment that appeared seemingly out of nowhere, holding us captive with power and insistence. I treat individuals who seek to unburden themselves of repetitive patterns that damage their self-esteem, diminish the condition of their circumstances both in regard to their own self and in their relationships with others. 
    A 38 year old woman who managed to find men who rejected and disappointed her, found her way to me because loneliness without a partner became unbearable. Self-Hypnosis allowed her to discover that as a ten year old she had made a forgotten decision that ran her life. After school one day, her mother and bridge friends were all inebriated. Their cloying, alcoholic behavior filled her with shame. “I’m never going to be like my mother,” she vowed. The unconscious catalyst insured that she never marry, never let an appropriate man close enough for love. With help, she came to believe, “I can be married, and I don’t have to be an alcoholic like my mother.”
    A bright, successful man who was callous and rough with the women who loved him, inevitably reached a point when they left him, no longer abiding his abuse and insensitivity. Repeated heartbreak, and the loss of a woman that he truly loved, brought him to my office. With EMDR we unearthed a host of childhood traumata related to his older sister whom he loved and admired, yet had abused him in a variety of callous and rough ways. His decision as an eight year old had been, “I am shameful, I don’t deserve love.” The abuse shamed him, and he felt at fault. The decision compelled him to drive love away, to treat others as he had been treated. Therapy helped him restructure the pattern and believe, “I deserve.”
    A brilliant woman who suffered many years of unrelenting grief over the loss of her fiancé, experienced a variety of symptoms including insomnia, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. EMDR unearthed a belief/decision she carried, made when she was five. Her parents whom she had adored, always called her “baby.” The term of endearment suddenly made her feel infantilized, and she asked them to stop. Their response to her request was to shut down with stricken looks, which her young mind interpreted as unrelenting grief at the prospect of losing her. Guilt and fear at upsetting her parents yielded an unconscious decision that she was undeserving of happiness. Her life reflected that judgment. In time, our work together yielded a new belief, “I am worthwhile. The problem may have been my parents'. I may have misinterpreted things.”
    A handsome, kind man was plagued by fear in love and work relationships. Avoiding confrontation at all cost, he lived with the shame of being disrespected and powerless. Our work together disclosed a pattern of fear that constricted him as a child when his parents disrespected and shamed him with criticism, harsh judgment and beatings. To survive his childhood family he decided at the age of six, “I am powerless, I better not rock the boat, I have to be a good boy.”  Once aware of the negative beliefs that worked behind the scenes of consciousness, the therapeutic process of body/mind work allowed him to replace these with loving and self-nurturing truths, such as: “I am a good loving person. I have the power to direct my life.”
    In each of these cases, once the childhood sentence was meted out, there was no escape until its destructiveness and irrationality was examined from an adult perspective. Negative patterns can be overturned, and replaced by self-enhancing positive beliefs which change the course of one’s life.

All the best,

Rita

   If you are in a relationship where you usually feel depressed, sad, angry, stuck, bitter, inadequate, volcanic, hopeless, helpless, ugly, sneaky, sleepless, anxious, down on yourself, uneasy, intimidated, controlled, persecuted, put down, empty, desperate - you had better start to honestly answer some of the following questions. 

WHEN TO COPE:
1) Do I respect, value and enjoy my partner?
2) Do we share the same world view?
3) Do we want the same things from life?
4) Is there mutual caring and kindness?
5) Does being with him feel like it's good for me?
6) Is my life full without her?
7) Is there a me and an us in this relationship?
8) Are we both taking responsibility and working on issues?
9) Do I feel truly accepted, even with all my faults?
10) Does being with him help me grow and be my very best?
11) Am I secure enough to accept my own faults and hers?
12) Are we truly friends?
13) Do I trust him?

WHEN TO LEAVE:
1)  Do I feel compulsively stuck?
2)  Am I afraid to be alone?
3)  Am I afraid of him/her?
4)  Do I have to forget about me to make us work? 
5)  Am I looking for him to fill my empty holes?
6)  Am I afraid to be honest with myself and with her?
7)  Does it feel like I want this relationship more than he does?
8)  Do I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with her?
9)  Do I feel overpowered by him?
10) Am I so focused on her that other things don't count anymore?11) At the core, do I really believe that this is all I deserve?

12) Have her promises been consistently broken?
13) Have I made a mistake?
14) Is my partner too troubled, and unwilling to get help?

      If you have answered yes to four or more of the above questions, then you have important information. If you decide to stay, be sure to get yourself into couple therapy with a Marriage & Family Therapist or see someone for yourself.

      No matter how old the relationship, if you decide to let it go, then you can expect to be left with an empty, gaping hole where your relationship had been, which bleeds, oozes hurt, and needs time to heal. And it will heal. Sometimes being alone and letting go is the better choice.

Here are some helpful tools along the way from hell to peace of mind:

Last Love Letter Write as many pages as you can.  Keep it around for a while, add to it and periodically re-read it, cry over it and when you have exhausted its use, seal it in an envelope and burn it.
Crime Sheet Using 3x5 index cards, write all the injustices that were committed against you – one per card.  If you have ended an abusive relationship, list all the names you were called, events when you were abused, insults you have survived, etc. Take your time accumulating evidence.Save this for when you miss him/her.
Memory Bin Gather reminders you possess of your lost lover. Put them all in one place, perhaps in a box or a closet and take your time looking through them and giving yourself permission to cry, to rage... When you have exhausted your emotions, or when you realize enough time has passed, discard your memory bin – burn it, dump it, drown it.

All the best,

Dr. Rita