Most of us have to make daily decisions that take us on one path or another, and unless we are incredibly helpless and lack a huge sense of who we are, we muddle through. Some of the decisions we regularly make without too much difficulty are: what to eat, what to wear, how to speak about an issue to someone, when to stop or start a project, what to buy and save, and so forth. 

     Apart from daily decisions we also occasionally throughout our lifetime have to make quality of life decisions that put us on a new track from the one we had been on. These are more difficult because they are momentous and impact our life in ways we cannot usually predict, such as: whether and whom to marry, which job to take, when to retire, where to live, and so forth.

     The two parts of our elegant brain that are responsible for decision-making are the right/emotional brain and the left/cognitive brain. Being decisive is not only about rational choices, but includes the emotional intuitive ones that are often under the surface.

     I always like to make pro and con lists when a difficult quality of life decision needs to be made. I find the process illuminating, and it harnesses my anxiety about living with uncertainty, although it usually doesn't bring my sense of uncertainty to a comfortable closure. Have you noticed how uncomfortable we are with uncertainty? I think that the more comfortable you can learn to be with not knowing, the more risk you take, and the more excitement and interesting twists and turns will your life be able to take. It's always less worrysome to stay in place, and keep doing the same thing. That's why change is both so stressful and yet so life-enhancing.

     Somewhere I trust my gut, for you it may be your heart, which is actualy our right brain, to get in on the process and make a behind-the-scene calibration which manifests itself quite miraculously, after days or weeks of torturous indecision, with a light-bulb-clarity of, "oh of course, this makes so much sense, I'll go with that.

     Isn't it amazing how once that occurs, we have this 20/20 hindsight that proves we made the right decision, and ultimately we are glad we took advantage of our capacity to make a change because our life is enriched by change. One of our basic needs is to have excitement in our lives, and change provides that in a healthy way.

     So the next time I have to make a difficult decision I hope I remember to give myself the time it takes for my beautiful brain to weigh and measure all the data I've provided and then open the curtain to certainty with a ta-da!

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     So far we've talked about labeling feelings of the challenging and difficult variety. The type of feelings most of us tend to want to reject, get rid of, in short - not feel. Here is a list of positive feelings that most people want to hold onto:

ATTRACTIVE: pretty, vital, vivacious, sympathetic, fair, beautiful, wonderful, desirable, good, comely, sexy, helpful, lovely   
HAPPY: cheerful, loving, nice, affectionate, contented, delight, enjoyment, glad, cheerful, joyous, free, open, released
INSPIRED: proud, rapturous, rewarded, reverent, lively, impressed, high, awed, charmed, animated, captivated, eager, ecstatic, electrified, loving, enchanted, excited, fascinated, honored, kind   

TRANQUIL: full, relaxed, sated, satisfied,serene, settled, sure, blissful, calm, agreeable, refreshed, contented, pleasant, pleased, easy, adequate, gratified, full, heavenly, solemn 
COMPETENT: capable, clever, groovy, keen, effective, proficient, fit, able, skilled, suitable 
AGGRESSIVE: strong, competitive, bold, challenged, enterprising, tenacious, brave, determined, opposed, energetic, powerful, deserving, entitled, assertive, dynamic

     Are you surprised to see that aggression is a positive emotion? I just want you to know that ALL feelings are constructive and healthy. Of course, recognizing and labeling them is always the first step.

     What we do with our feelings can be either healthy or destructive.
Aside from the effect that smoking, drinking, food and exercise has on cholesterol levels and our general health and well-being, there is a great deal of research to support how denying negative emotions raises cholesterol levels, cortisol levels and in general increases the amount of unrelenting stress that leads to a multitude of physical and emotional problems. Individuals who allow themselves to be aware of ALL feelings without judgement have fairly low cholesterol levels and blood pressure according to recent studies. Those who "repress" (tend to put on a happy face and have trouble admitting their difficult emotions) averaged an astonishing 40 points higher and attained more dangerous cholesterol levels, and heart rate during stressful events. Additionally, if you don't let yourself have the bad feelings, the good ones cannot surface.
     For the sake of your body and your emotional well-being it is vital that you permit yourself to recognize what you are feeling, identify its source and decide what steps can be taken to make yourself feel better and to rectify the situation that gave rise to those emotions in the first place - be it stimulated by past or present circumstances. For the sake of all of your relationships it is essential that you recognize the consequence of feeling mnagement. It is only through opening your heart to yourself that you can do so with others. 

     What I mean by this is that your wellness is a pathway to happiness and love. Allowing all of what you experience in the moment makes you a more balanced, happy and healthy individual.      

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     In much the same way your feelings are pure data, and are based on your perception of either external or internal stimuli.  Information - no more, no less, that once presented to you can be used to make intelligent choices.  For example, walking on a quiet country lane a ferocious-looking dog barked loudly a few hundred feet ahead of me and my immediate response was to feel fear.  It so happens that my son was once bitten by a German Shepherd, and I have a particular distrust of large, loud canines sinced then.  The fear was my data which was based on my perception that I was in danger. This information could then be utilized to make choices such as, walking the other way. 
      The emotion I perceived, the fear, was a useful piece of information for me. It was neither  good nor bad, just data that assisted me in making sense out of my environment. The first order of business was to identify my internal experience. By giving my feeling a label, fear, I was then enabled to understand my physiological reaction (the "fight or flight" response which usually manifests with dry mouth, speeding heartbeat and the desire to fight or run away. This led to my ability to connect to a previous experience (the memory from my son's childhood), and once reached I could make sense of the situation I was in (the dog could harm me,) and was subsequently aware of what action steps were available to me (I could walk the other way or pick up a stick to fight if necessary,) which then allowed me to make my choice (which was to quickly walk away.)

     In order to make sense of one's feelings it first essential to know what they are, and most of us come out of family environments  devoid of that skill. But hope springs eternal. It can be learned.    

    The following is a partial catalogue of feelings and emotions to help you identify and accept yours. Many years ago Dr. Vernon Sharpe shared a form of this list with me, and I would like to share it with you.

ANGER: "fly off the handle," seething, furious, boiling, burned up, bitter, enraged, infuriated, sore, fuming, flaming, fiery, fierce, ticked off, pissed off, volcanic, "hot under the collar," bored
HOSTILE: hateful,destructive, ugly, wicked, repugnant,mean, deceitful, spiteful, antagonistic, terrible, bad, cruel, horrible, sneaky

GUILTY: worthless, crappie, blame yourself, defensive, censurable, blameworthy, derelict, culpable,
down on yourself, at fault

PANICKED: overwhelmed, petrified, precarious, frantic, distraught, hysterical, agitated,  fearful, terrified, frightened, startled, in a tizzy, shook up, out of my mind, distressed,
out of contact, shocked, numb, trembling, gone haywire, nuts, out of it, shrinking, shuddering stampeded

WITHDRAWN: isolated, want to crawl in a hole, aloof, distant, solitary, bashful, wanna run away, unsociable, detached, wanna sulk, bored, wanna split,want to pout, want to disappear, reclusive

ANXIOUS: scared, worried, nervous, frightened, tense, obsessed, panicky, pressured, vulnerable, helpless, apprehensive, hopeless, bored, stewing, prying on your mind, unstrung.

     Isn't it amazing how many types of feelings exist? Be on the lookout for yours, and just label one when it hits you over the head with a two-by-four. This is the second step. Lesson #3 is soon to follow.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     If you want to swim around the joyous pond of  love and relate appropriately and successfully within the context of marriage and intimacy, you need to learn how to deal with your feelings. Our feelings are the road signs on the route to discovering the real essence of our inner self, and they assist us in making sense of our world.  Understanding how feelings work, what they are, and how to accept them is a necessary step in the process of becoming a mature person, and becoming available for mature and healthy love.  

     It all begins with your self.
     The path to this self is discovered through your feelings or emotions.  Understanding what feelings are, how they work, and accepting them, is like breaking through old barriers and tearing away the shackles of false precepts, as you become that full person. It is tapping into the power of the unconscious and using it to help yourself move forward. The transformation comes about when you are able to let go of trying to change or help other people and, instead give yourself the freedom to just be yourself. 

     Once on this course you become free of judgment and fear - in other words, you give yourself permission to be your authentic, true self.  Learning that you are lovable makes it easy for you to accept others' love for you.  Once you have grown to become the very best that you can be, you will reach a higher level of maturity that is in common with many others. People are naturally attracted to those who are on their own level, therefor an entirely new reserve of possibilities will be accessible to you. These others will be attracted to you just as you will be to them.  What was once a mystery can be understood.
     I have developed a number of techniques to help you gauge what you are feeling at a particular time. This will assist you to determine an appropriate response to whatever the situation at hand. This series of articles will include working with the "feeling thermometer," "the coin of opposites," and  "the feeling management system" - powerful tools for addressing and moving beyond situations that are obstacles to achieving a satisfying intimate relationship.
     Lesson #1. Feelings are user-friendly. They are raw data that your mind provides for your consideration. They give you internal feedback to occurrences in your environment. Once you register this information, you can begin to understand its meaning to you, and then choose how to respond. This process operates much like a thermometer - an instrument that presents you with certain data. Made up of mercury and glass, marked with lines and numbers, the rise and fall in temperature is registered indicating degrees of heat or cold in the environment.  Such data can then be utilized to make certain decisions. For instance, an indication of 95 degrees on an outdoor thermometer communicates the information that it is very hot!  Knowing this you can then make sensible decisions that are congruent with your data - I'm going to play hooky and spend the day at the beach. Or, when the same thermometer reads 12 degrees you can deduce that it is much too cold to go out altogether, but a great day for making a fire and staying warm and cozy indoors.

     Feelings are as natural as blood and bones. Yet, we sometimes have to make up for the deficits in learning from childhood. I hope to help you close the gap in your education with these next several blogs. 

All the best,

Dr. Rita