Everyone knows that our skin is our most natural boundary that distinguishes between the “I” and “other.” As infants we are incapable of experiencing that boundary, and feel as one with our mothers (if we are lucky enough to have a good match,) with no concept of where we begin and or our mother ends. This is a good thing. Interestingly, the great majority of mothers are programmed identically, and have a continued experience of the in vitro with their babies. At about eighteen months all that changes, and toddlers begin to experiment with separation and individuation. This is a very good thing. Let me tell you what it looks like.
    I was recently at a doctor’s waiting room where toddler was playing hide and seek with his mother. She sat at one place, while he ran away from her, each time running away further and further, and would quickly return and gleefully throw himself into her lap. She welcomed him each time with a hug and a smile, and their game continued until I had to leave. This mother’s response to her baby was perfect. She gave him the space to separate, but always remained the safe haven to whom he could return from his little voyages, allowing him to grow stronger and stronger boundaries. The safety she provided would later be internalized in this child as his own sense of internal security.
    Have you ever noticed how you have different levels of comfort depending on who is getting too close. For example, we usually don’t mind if our spouse or child get within inches of our face (if it’s in a loving manner,) but, if a stranger, or someone we are not so comfortable with  in that moment, gets too close, there is a clear sense of danger, and a need to move back or push them away. This action of moving toward and away from people is partially related to protecting our boundaries. (Of course all those rules are defunct if we are on a crowded NYC bus or subway, and are unpleasantly squashed in a total state of dissociation with total strangers.) 

    Sometimes our boundaries are invaded when we are threatened or experience childhood or adult trauma, and when that has occurred, we are less able to be aware of our boundaries, nor do anything about protecting them. When our boundaries don’t protect us we feel unsafe in the world and live life from a fear base, are unable to have a solid sense of who we are, cannot allow ourselves to get close to others because our sense of self is fragmented. An important aspect of healing trauma, centers on honoring our boundaries and taking charge of them.
    Imagine your boundary to be a border between two countries, with armed sentries who ensure that the authority of your country is respected. In relationship terms, those sentries identify what you want and what you don’t want, what you like and what you don’t like, when to say yes and when to say no, how much is enough and what’s too much, where to draw the line as it were, and when to do it loudly or repeatedly like a parrot, if it’s not heard the first time. Listen, and learn to trust your body, it is your technologically refined sensor system. Checking in regularly to find areas of comfort and discomfort in your body will guide you toward safety and enable you to be fully present in the world, in the here and now, at the same time.

All the best,

Rita

     As an expert in EMDR Trauma Therapy for over 13 years, a practicing psychotherapist for nearly 30 years, with the experience of more than 2,000 EMDR hours, I would like to suggest that EMDR is not really a cookie cutter approach. In the hands of the right therapist it is a creative, personal therpeutic model that has the capacity to yield impressive healing results.

     Every therapist brings their own special personal touch to their work based on their years of experience, as well as their general level of expertise in the healing arts. The most important thing to keep in mind, as with every other type of therapy, is that the RELATIONSHIP, between therapist and patient becomes the safe container that allows healing and change to begin.

     When trauma happens it interrupts the life force, and creates a log jam in the flow of life within the individual. We are designed, as are all other mammals, to flow within the river of our nervous system, our energy, with the excitement of the sympathetic nervous system, and the calming of the parasympathetic nervous system, balancing us out. The nervous system is located in the Brain Stem in the primitive part of our brain, called the Reptilian Brain. We are hard-wired to heal from stress and trauma because of the gentle waves that oscillate between the charge and discharge of the nervous system. This is no different than the basic wound healing trajectory that is triggered from even a simple wound on the skin, when phases of hemostasis and inflammation begin the complex process of tissue repair.

     EMDR and other mind/body therapy models such as Somatic Experiencing (SE,) Brainspotting, and Hypnosis are powerful experiential opportunities – in the hands of the creative clinician, to repair the rupture caused by BIG and little traumas. The language of sensation, body awareness and emotion lies at the root of these processes.

     Often people have difficult problems and issues that seem to have dug into their personality or character structure, and taken up unwelcome residence causing great unhappiness in their lives. Sometimes, these problems don’t at first seem to be associated with a trauma. I find that during my work with patients we open the possibilities for the body to communicate, and the gateway usually leads to remarkable shifts often related to early trauma. Let me give you an example – be aware that I’m changing some of the details to protect the anonymity of my patient.

        Jeff is depressed, yet a successful lawyer, handsome, charming and bright. His relationships with women, however, typically ends in disaster when they repeatedly reject him for his violent temper tantrums. After losing the love of his life recently, Jeff sought me out for treatment. He had heard of EMDR, wasn’t sure if it was the appropriate therapy for him, but hoped we’d figure it out. We utilized a combination of EMDR, SE and Hypnosis during our third session. I usually take at least one or two sessions to make certain that the chemistry between us is right, and to pinpoint patterns and triggers. During the next few weeks Jeff spontaneously connect ed to a trauma that occurred when he was fifteen, when his all star hockey game was interrupted by a fall that fractured his left ankle. Surprisingly, this accident was highly charged for Jeff, and left in its trail a lifetime of bravado that covered his shame, a sense of failure, and an acute sensitivity to rejection. We were soon on our way to clear that trauma and replace it with positive felt body experiences that led to a large shift in Jeff’s sense of himself as a man. Naturally, this led to a diminishment of his rage and depression,, and positive changes in all of his relationships.

All the best,
Rita

     Relationships, which are the spice of life, often create feelings of inadequacy and pain which interfere with the sense of well-being that we all strive for. When faced with interpersonal conflict, we tend to either blame ourselves or the other.

     There is a third way. Accept the reality that every relationship is a dance between two people who are each participating fully in the creation of either harmony or disharmony. One dancer takes a step back as the other steps forward. Each is responsible for 50% of the dance.

     Now, nurture yourself by examining what’s going on inside yourself and discover and own your 50%. Sit quietly in a time and place where you won't be interrupted.

    Step 1.  Begin by becoming aware of what’s happening in your body as you consider your significant relationship. Notice physical sensations, i.e., heat, cold, tight, smooth, still, active, electric, pulsating… Just be with your body for a few minutes.

    Step 2. Connect to your anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Write or think: I’m angry that…. I’m sad that… I’m afraid that… I feel guilty that… Say these statements over and over again to discover your emotional climate.

    Step 3. Consider writing a letter that you won't mail to that person where you share all these emotions. This is a way for you to take responsibility for your part of things, to connect to how you feel that you have been injured, and to release pain. Writing is a wonderful method of unpacking emotional baggage.

    Step 4. Talk to your significant other. Decide what part of your discovery you might want to share with this person, and posit it in an "I Statement," such as, I feel angry that you have withdrawn from me. I feel sad that you are not affectionate anymore. I am afraid that we are growing apart. I feel guilty that I have participated in the difficulties we are having. An “I Statement” does not elicit defensive listening because you are not pointing a finger, you are simply describing your own internal feelings.

    Step 5. At the end of your statement, share your plan to change something about yourself to improve the relationship.

    Step 6. Pause and wait for feedback.

    Step 7. If you wish, ask for a suggestion from your significant other of something they are willing to change about themselves to assist the relationship.

All the best,
Dr. Rita