Ever wonder how relationships seem to get botched up so easily? Sometimes you're up and then before you can say "thunderbolt" you are fighting, crying, ready to walk out and call it quits. You may even notice that there is a pattern to the ups and downs of your relationship, and if I were a betting person, I would bet that there is always a third person, or issue, that sets things off.
     Let me give you an example.
     One of my clients, Jerry, called me because his relationship with his fifteen-year-old daughter cycles between, "Daddy, you're the best!" and "I hate you, I never want to see you again."
     Jerry and I examined the pattern of that cycle and noticed that the trigger to the anger that his daughter spews is connected to his marriage. The last time he and his wife argued over his perception that she was over-spending, and her belief that he was a tight-wad. They had harsh words, there was yelling and door-slamming, and then as he passed her room he saw his daughter crumpled-up in her bed in a fetal position. He felt bad about that, he told me, because he knew that their fighting upset his daughter.
     Soon after he over-heard his wife telling his daughter, "Daddy is cheap as a bank-teller, I sure hope that when you get married you find yourself a sugar-daddy, or else become a lawyer or something so that you're never dependent on a man."
     Let me tell you of another couple.
     Bev and George have been married for about three years and inevitably they fight about his relationship with her sister, whom he dislikes intensely, and makes no bones about. Bev thinks that George should learn to love her sister as much as she does. George thinks his wife’s sister is a parasite, who sucks her sister dry for handouts and a warm shoulder to cry on. They fight over this issue on a weekly basis. It so happens that when they are not fighting, they’re happy and have a fulfilling sexual connection.

     Both Jerry and his wife, and Bev and George are playing “Monkey in The Middle.” They use a third person to take them off track of their relationship. Everyone suffers. Jerry, his wife and his daughter are all miserable. Jerry and his wife are hurting their daughter by turning her into her mother’s confidante. The teenager is being cheated of being able to love both her parents equally, and is angry and depressed. Bev and George could have more consistent peace and contentment if George would be more accepting of his wife’s family, and if Bev would accept the reality that her husband could never feel the same kind of unconditional love and acceptance that she feels for her own sister.
     Both couples are doing something devious and hurtful. By focusing on a third party, they are avoiding the real issues that are strictly between them. For instance, Jerry and his wife allow their dog to sleep between them in their bed. Their sex-life is non-existent and bringing their daughter into the mix and then fighting over her, money and the dog too, is creating a smokescreen that allows them to avoid the mention of the lack of emotional safety that they both feel in their relationship. Bev and George fight over her sister in order to avoid dealing with the stress they both experience because of Bev's recent breast cancer diagnosis

    Take a look at your relationships and see if there are issues that you might be avoiding, or ways that you might be sabotaging your intimate connections. Is there a triangle that keeps showing up? Someone or something you are always fighting about?  It might just be less painful to deal with the real problem.
All the best,
Dr. Rita

      Red hearts and Valentine's Day is inspiring me to write about love. When I think about what makes the world go around, and life worthwhile, there's nothing more important than love. There are many different kinds of love besides romantic and sexual love, all of which are based on a deep connection based on friendship, compassion and caring.

     The foundation of love rests in our own core. The love and friendship we have with ourself. All too often we are self-critical and even hate ourselves. We were meant to love ourselves, and do so as infants, but negative experiences during childhood in our families of origin and in society often lead us to be self-judgmental and even abusive and self-punitive. We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated by others, and in turn as adults, treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we learn to be more compassionate and kind toward ourselves, we become more friendly to everyone that we come into contact with, and toward people we don't know as well. This opens the window to fully enjoying love potential.

     The love we have for our mother (usually the nurturing parent) and later our father makes the world go around for us as little people. We are madly in love with our parents as children, and if we are very lucky they with us. Remember all those Valentine Day cards you sent your parents and grandparents? How the world seemed shiny when you were sitting on their lap and basking in their love for you and for each other? These experiences built your sense of trust, hope, and self-acceptance which made love and kisses the salve for any hurt you felt. At least until adolescence.

     Although nothing is as satisfying and as happiness-provoking as love, we human beings have a way of making it the source of much unhappiness and pain. Especially when it comes to Romantic love, which we most want, we tend to imbue with far too many expectations, that unfortunately often go unmet.

     Adult romantic love gives us a second chance at the gorgeous intimacy we experienced as infants with our mothers, or that which we were missing and dreamed about. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having romantic love, yet there are two reasons that it so often goes sour so quickly. In the early stages of romance we see each other through rose-colored glasses and passion is high because early love is like a drug. Often we are driven by our gonads to decide on a partner, and leave our minds at home. In addition, our maturity level dictates our capacity for true intimacy. If we suffered from toxic love as children, or if we underwent trauma that's as yet unresolved, internal obstacles stop us from achieving these lofty goals.

     Interestingly, we can often give love better than we can take love from another when we have missed the experience of true nurturing from loving parents. This can be a healing experience, especially when we give love to children and pets because they then give us back unconditional love which can make up for the missing pieces in ourselves.

     Ultimately, to be truly loved and love back, you want to address the unresolved pain and suffering within you, so that you can open the blocked channels that have had to close off as a function of self-protection in survival modes. These served you well when you needed them in the past, but are now as vestigial as our tailbones.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Life is difficult in between the happy times. Sometimes we feel angry and it scares us when the feeling is overwhelming or too powerful. This emotion lies within each of us, and yet is badly misunderstood. The cause of anger is fear, frustration, jealousy, impatience, judgment, intolerance, to name just a few, and is antithetical to love and compassion. Rage is a way of controlling others when you cannot control yourself. Though it is not healthy to to let anger fester, as it can be the root of suffering, sometimes it shows up on our radar screen, and we have to find ways to manage it, make wise choices, we can melt it away. Anger can be a healthy feeling that gives us information, just like any other emotion that finds itself into our mind/body, we let awareness be aware.

     The Rules of Anger are useful to keep in mind:
1. don't hurt others
2. don't hurt yourself
3. don't hurt property
4. DO talk about it or write about it. 
     Begin by allowing yourself to become aware of the anger as you are sitting in a safe place. Notice how you feel inside? Head? Tummy? Hands? 
     Anger, like fear, is a survival mechanism which helps the body to ready into the fight or flight response when a threat is perceived. The body releases hormones into the blood stream as preparation. The brain gets  messages that make our body aware of our emotional state, that trigger certain thoughts, that effect how we feel, and helps us to decide how to react.
     When anger happens:
1. The good old-fashioned trick of counting to ten still works best.
2. Think of a phrase that helps to calm you and lets you think through what the anger data is offering, and what are some choices of behavior open to you.
3. A mantra I like is to label the anger "feeling" and to label the thoughts "thinking" and to anchor yourself in the sound around you and/or the breath. This often has the effect of melting the anger without actually TRYING to get rid of it, which doesn't work anyway.

    Dirty anger is: kicking doors, punching others, pushing people, screaming
    Clean anger is: pushing wall, door frame, pillow, jogging, writing, crying, tearing old newspaper, walking, talking about it, telling what you'd really like, asking for support.
    TOOL: Imagine a thermometer that begins in your groin at 0 and ends in your mouth at 10 when you are completely out of control and yelling, cursing, crying, vomiting rage on others. Take a deep breath and locate the number of your anger in your body. Ideally, notice when the anger first starts to visit you at 1 or 2, but that takes practice. When anger reaches 8, 9 or 10, you are completely out of control. In the beginning, locate the anger at 4,5 or 6. Notice where you experience the heat of your anger, what your thoughts are, and using the anger as data ask yourself:

What I need to help myself...    
I feel ....
when...
because...
I would like...

     Healing, cooling words that your friends and family can offer you are:
sounds like or you seem angry...
tell me more...
let's talk about it...
let me help you solve the problem.

     Life offers us countless opportunities to be human. Awareness is the key, it opens the door to a myriad of choices in behavior.

All the best,
Dr. Rita