A relationship is a live organism that moves, grows and changes over time. Two people who each come with their own set of eyes, history and point of view, will inevitably reach a point when they are in conflict, when they don't agree. This is as natural as the change in barometric pressure in the atmosphere. When a couple is in constant harmony, without any conflict or stress, one would wonder as to their honesty with themselves and each other - and even worry about their future. Most couples, however, know how to be happy when they get along, but get lost, or don't have the skills to deal with issues that move them apart.  People get surprised, hurt, angry and sad that they are not in synch.  Mostly they feel lost and unequipped to handle their issues in a constructive manner. 

        Once you accept the inevitability of conflicts and fights which originate in differences of opinion, perception and needs, you can begin to develop the necessary skills and rules to excel in this area of relating, and become clean fighters.

SEVEN RULES TO CLEAN FIGHTING
1. Expect and Accept that on occasion you will have a fight.

2. When it pops out seemingly out of nowhere, ask yourself, what am I feeling right now?  Allow a connection with your body and your emotions.

3. Think. What is my partner feeling right now? What is his point of view about this? How is it different from my point of view?

4. Allow and accept that she may have a different perception than you have that can be just as valid as yours.

5. Listen. Without defensiveness, become a container that simply takes in what your partner is saying to you. Actively Listen (see article on my website) and don’t interrupt while your partner shares his point of view.

6. Respond. Once your partner’s finished talking. Give her feedback (in a respectful pleasant voice if at all possible) insofar as what she just told you to let her know you were listening. Then, let her know how you are thinking and feeling about the issue.

7. Be prepared to:
a) Let time pass until you both digest what happened.
b) Be willing to put yourself in your partner’s moccasins.
c) Go back and talk about things after a few hours or days.

     You may be surprised to learn that fighting in this constructive and clean way can clear the air and bring you closer. Most of us are frightened of bringing up critical issues, until we explode, for fear that it will mean the death of our relationship, when in fact, it is usually quite the opposite. Talking brings us closer, and creates intimacy.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

      The purpose of my skill as a clinician is to avoid unnecessary pain. Pain comes from within or is inflicted externally. All pain is an assault, it is violent. Whether physical or emotional it affects the mind/body and needs to be defended against - either frozen and repressed or, preferably of course, released, cleared, absorbed and healed. If left unchecked, pain causes a variety of symptoms that interfere with the flow of life.
       Physical pain is as much a part of life as is emotional pain. Neither can be avoided. Some believe that pain serves the purpose of making us more keenly aware of pleasure – that we can’t have one without the other. Perhaps that is true. It is also true that physical pain is affected by emotions. In other words, how we relate to pain, how we think about pain, how we react to pain, how we subjectively experience pain, how we release pain, has an enormous bearing on how much pain we experience. The same is true in reverse, how we hold emotional pain affects our body, because emotionally driven physical pain is just as real as any other.
       I teach my patients to rate their pain level. For example, on a scale of 0-10 with 10 standing for incredible pain, and 1 the opposite of no pain, how much pain do you currently experience? When we  rate our pain, we begin by paying attention to our body. In and of itself that helps ameliorate the subjective experience of pain which accounts for about 50% of pain. The next step allows us to compare the intensity of the pain from one time to the next, so that the perception of pain doesn’t automatically lead to the same experience each time. For most, it is helpful to know that one’s pain is a 5 right now, and not a 10 as it was an hour ago. It is more bearable to have a 5 than a 10, isn’t it? Since awareness reduces pain, these are all steps that help in that effort.
     There is also the aspect of Secondary Gain. Sometimes, although the pain can be untenable, there are hidden and even unconscious advantages to living with pain, that outweigh being pain-free. Uncovering those gains can be a useful bridge to becoming pain-free.
      Let me give you an example. I worked with Peter, a man who loved women but could never find one he loved enough to marry, yet he was riddled with the pain of loneliness, and the frustration of watching his friends marry and have children, while he couldn’t get on with his life. By the time he was fifty, he came to therapy and discovered that his uneasy crazy-glue connection with his mother stood in the way of his freedom to love another woman. Basically, his fear of displeasing his mother, who could never be pleased by any woman he chose because she selfishly wanted him to herself alone - not because she was bad but because of her neediness. When we rated his fear of displeasing his mother, and compared it to the pain of not having a family of his own, Peter was shocked to note that his fear of his mother was a 10, compared with the 5 of being committed to his own needs and the pleasure of having a wife and children. This shocked him into a new level of commitment in therapy which would finally separate from him mother, something he hadn't been able to do before.
     We enjoy a vast pallet of emotional knowledge that is particularly precious, as compared to other mammals who are bereft of that brain function, some of which is pain and some of which is pleasure, and lots of gradations in between. To be human is to avail ourselves of the full menu of emotional feelings, occasionally that is based in pain.
Pain is a warning. It is the body/mind’s SOS that something is wrong. It is crucial to listen to what our mind/body is trying to tell us. Therein lie the answers to our challenges.
All the best,
Dr. Rita

     With jobs dramatically shrinking and the economy incredulously spriraling into a frigthtening abyss, with recovery in the distant foggy future, it is vital in these tough times that we become proactive builders of calming RESOURCES for ourselves and the people we love.

UNIVERSAL WISDOM THAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE ARE:

1. All challenges become opportunities - one door closes, a window opens.
2. Happiness is derived from living not spending.
3. Flexibility has saved a tree even in the eye of a storm.
4. Turmoil always has a beginning and an end - this too shall pass.
5. We are naturally constructed to come back to balance even with the onslaught of adversity.
6. Life offers ups, downs, and  in-betweens, where living in the NOW is the only path to inner peace - one step at a time.
7. Trust in your own uniqueness, and yet experience yourself as a part of the community of the whole, just like the great milkyway.
8. Gratefulness is the greatest panacea, and it's FREE.
9. Cooperate and accept your current situation, therein lies true strength.
10. The most precious thing we can own is Inner Peace, which cannot be bought for any amount of money.

RESOURCES are the precious things in life that we can allow ourselves to become aware of, identify, notice, take in, acknowledge, look at, recognize, and which create a sense of comfort and relaxation in our body and mind. For example,
I can allow myself to become aware of where in my body I feel comfortable.
I can look at something that gives me pleasure.
I can hold something that makes me feel good.
I can think of something that makes me feel warm and alive.
I can take pleasure in listening to music, making music or moving my body.
I can enjoy the view.
I can list everything that I’m grateful for in my life, in my day, right now.
I can evaluate my current situation, do what I can to help myself, and choose to accept it, and work from there.

SKILLS YOU CAN TRY:

1. Allow yourself to take inventory of all the times in your life that you’ve come through adversity.
2. Identify your strengths in getting through the tough times.
3. Think about people you know (real or fictional) who have the type of flexibility that would assist you in moving through a difficult challenge.
4. Take an account of your accomplishments as a human being.
5. Look for alternatives.
6.You can choose how to feel by changing your thoughts & actions. 7. Do ask for help, everyone sometimes needs a little help from a friend.

Meanwhile, don't forget to practice loving-kindness both toward yourself and others. It goes a long way.

All the best,

Dr. Rita