Relationships are the spice of life, yet often create feelings of inadequacy and pain that interfere with the sense of well-being that we all strive for. When faced with interpersonal conflict, depending on our personality style, we often play the blame game: either toward ourselves or our partner. Blame is a four-letter word for judgment and criticism.

     There is a third way. Accept the reality that every relationship is a dance between two people who each participate fully in the creation of either harmony or disharmony. Begin by looking inside yourself and connect to your anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Consider this assignment: Write an unmailed letter to the person you’re troubled by where you share all these emotions. This is a powerful way for you to take responsibility for your part of things, as well as to connect to how you feel you have been injured. Writing is a crucial method of unpacking emotional baggage.

     Next, talk to your significant other. Decide what you might want to share with this person, and posit it in an "I Statement." i.e., I feel angry that you have withdrawn from me. I feel sad that you are not affectionate anymore. I am afraid that we are growing apart. I feel guilty that I have participated in the difficulties we are having. An “I Statement” does not elicit defensive listening because you are not pointing a finger, you are simply owning your own feelings and communicating love.

     At the end of your statement, share your plan to change something about yourself to improve the relationship. Pause and wait for feedback. If you wish, ask for a suggestion from your significant other of something they are willing to change about themselves to assist in improving the relationship.
     Do this often, like changing your shoes, and you'll notice an incremental improvement in your relationship too.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

Here is the last of this 3 part blog on how to handle cloudy weather in your marriage.

Today we will talk about the phenomenon of Closeness/Distance and Time Together/Time Apart.

CLOSENESS/DISTANCE:

   We all have different needs when it comes to how close we want to be to others. This is a function of culture, family and individual experiences with intimacy. Think of it as your comfort level with someone who is talking to you. Do you feel comfortable with them nose to nose, or do you prefer to have them at arm's length?

In a similar sense, imagine that there are emotional units of distance between you and your partner. Perhaps you are comfortable with a nice fat 7. However, chances are that you are with someone who requires a 3 to be truly happy.

     What to do?  Compromise doesn't usually come without sweat and tears. Somehow you two have to be willing to move off your own comofort level and get a little closer to the other's. Perhaps you'll learn to settle for a 5 where everybody gives a little.

    What to do when you feel like you are not getting enough closeness? Your best bet is to focus more on yourself, find ways to create joy and interest in your life by yourself or with friends and hobbies.

     What to do when you feel like you are not getting enough distance? If your partner is unhappy with more distance, then it behooves you to learn to be less of an isolate and more of a lover. By virtue of being in a committed relationship you have to be willing to give. Here's your chance.

TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART:

      Similarly to closenss and distance, this is a large area of conflict for most couples. Some people believe that marriage means crazy glue, while others need to breathe and have a life apart even when together with a significant other.

     If you find that you are arguing about this throughout your relationship, don't be surprised. There'll always be a part of you that would prefer to have more or less time together or apart than your partner. Life isn't perfect, and neither are our relationships.

     Once again, the solution lies in developing yoruself as an individual AS WELL as having a partnership that has plenty of togetherness. The balance is key.

These five Marital Hot Spots: Sex, Money, In-Laws, Closeness/Distance and Time Together/Time Apart can never be totally avoided. If you're lucky, you only have one or two to deal with. Don't assume that having these conflicts is a signal that your relationshp is doomed. This is what's meant as the "work" of marriage.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     As we continue to explore the facets of marriage that can cause difficulty, don't be surprised if you recognize the pattern of issues that continually pop up in your relationship. The thing about these recurring issues is that they never seem to get totally resolved when they are your hot spots. They will surprise you as they reappear from time to time. But if you remember that every couple encounters at least one or two of these throughout their relationship, usually even before marriage, perhaps you'll be more accepting of this phenomenon and better able to cope.

     Last week I spoke to IN-LAWS and SEX. Today,

 MONEY:

     Most people are more comfortable discussing their sex life than their bank account.What is it about how much money we have, or how we choose to spend or save it, that raises our anxiety level? Ask a person how much money s/he earns and in most cultures s/he’ll decide you are a rude dweed.

     Money is one of the most powerful elements in our social structure, yet also has some weighty emotional ramifications that are both positive and negative. Depending on our cultural background, we associate money with security, freedom, control, power, love, self-esteem, embarrassment, dependency, and happiness.

     Each family has its own unique history and meaning related to money. Growing up in your family has instilled in you an entire set of attitudes and beliefs about the significance of money. In some families

money is for saving, in others it is for fighting, or winning, or hoping, or worrying, or for keeping secret. Whatever your conditioning has been, this

transmission has induced you to either imitate your parents’ attitude (if you are a compliant type) or to go completely the opposite way (if you are rebellious.)

     No wonder money can be such a hot spot for couples. Just the factor of coming from two different families, from two different points of view, even from two different genders or cultures can imbue a relationship with potential conflict.

     Next time we'll examine CLOSENESS/DISTANCE and TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART. Two juicy and complex hot spots.

   Meanwhile, I wish you a wonderful week.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     In every marriage - happy or otherwise, a little rain must fall. It can be rather unnerving unless you have a map that will help you predict inclement weather.

    Amazingly, it so happens that there are five predictable issues that every marriage confronts, often from its genesis. Interestingly, one or two of these problems become themes in one's marriage.

    Once you understand the concept that there absolutely no such thing as perfection in life, nor in marriage, you begin to feel more confident that you can manage your relationship as the storms emerge from time to time.

    Here are the Big Five:

IN-LAWS

SEX

MONEY

CLOSENESS/DISTANCE

TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART

IN-LAWS:

Whether you like it or not the chances are excellent that your partner was born into a family, or had been connected to another family prior to having you in their life - as is in the case of divorce, and that some of these family members are alive.

     These in-laws are like baggage or gifts depending on your point of view, and cannot be removed. If your husband has a mother, a sister, an ex-wife or a daughter, you can be sure that there will be times when their presence in your life will create a problem for you, and a conflict between the two of you.

     What to do? Deal with it, accept it, learn to love them, don't get in the middle between them and your partner, nor get in the middle between your partner and them. For a comprehensive explanation of getting in the middle, or MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE, or Triangles, take a look at the article on my website at: www.RitaCanHelp.com

SEX:

Whatever your physical intimacy was like before you were married, it's a certainty that it will change. Will it get better? Or worse?

     Several factors contribute to the weather in your sexual relationship - the most potent is the quality of your emotional connection and the sense of feeling safe and trusting of each other in your marriage.

     When sex is good than it's never an issue, and rarely comes up in discussion. But all too often, when sex is lacking in quality or frequency it becomes an issue that often dwarfs all others.

     What to do? Recognize that it is understandable that sex will change as you become each other's family, and that if you want a better sex life, than deal with your relationship.

     Don't be surprised if one or both of you are unwilling to accept the connection between mind and body. If your mind is in turmoil about your relationship, your body will not be open to the vulnerability that sex requires of us.

More to come...

 All the best,

Dr. Rita