Some people say that self-confidence is something you either have or are born without. Others believe that environmental factors in your childhood contribute to the formation of your self-esteem. Everyone agrees, however, that the most successful people are always self-confident. Maybe they're shy, perhaps they even suffer from emotional issues that are worse than yours, but they exude confidence.

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a Family Therapist, Psychotherapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting.

     Are there difficult children? You bet! However, in the majority ofcases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The best parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. In this day and age with men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Hey, we wanted our men to have opinions and not just be the providers, right?   

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power. First of all your child will feel secure and safe. Yes, and with that comes a happier child who is more likely to be cooperative.

     In addition, as a team you are more powerful than your child, who will be less likely to play one of you against the other. And as an added bonus you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Consequences. This is the basis of all effective discipline, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. Your child will thrive with your love in the context of clear and fair rules and consequences

     It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences s/he will take you seriously and will reform.

     Next week I'll provide you with some sample cases to clarify the Art of Consequences.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

I wanted you all to know that I have a wonderful new App called BRIDE'S EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL GUIDE.

Please go to Facebook and become a fan and help me spread the word.

In a word, the App is a better, more current, interactive version of my book BRIDE'S GUIDE TO EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL - which happens to come in softcover, E-Book, Kindle, and now APP.  I'm so excited!!!

You'll see tons of new tips, Q&A, great quizzes, and of course the text.  You can find out what kind of bride you are, and how to deal with the annoying big and little wedding planning issues that come up between now and your wedding day.

Every woman wants her wedding to be amazing. It's the biggest party she'll ever throw. And yet... Life usually sends us a few curve balls. So, don't be surprised when the wedding you always wanted starts to develop some little glitches, and of course you need a little help from a friend, me, your Coach.

So please go to iTunes, get my App, and let everyone know about it. They'll be thrilled as you will be.

Here's a short list of what the App will provide:

 How to Tame Wedding Jitters

• You’ll survive: Panic 
      & anxiety are normal
      pre-wedding sentiments.
 
• It’s only a five hour party!
 
• It’s not so much the man
      you are marrying as the
      idea of marriage that
      scares you.

• Don’t worry about the
      fighting between you
      and your parents. It’s
      a healthy dance of
      separation.

• Take control of your 
      special day – you have
      a right to have it your
      way.

• Losing your sexual
      freedom is never easy,
      but married love is better.

• Take a break from
      “Wedding World” & just
      have fun with  your partner.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

What: The ability to respond to what someone is saying to you, by maintaining an emotional distance.  This requires the listener to suspend judgment and subdue her resulting inner feelings or response. This is a good thing because it makes the person who is talking to you feel “heard” and “cared about,” and encourages them to keep talking.To use this tool successfully, it is particularly important to learn how to defer your own reactions.

Why: This way of communicating frees your partner to be honest with you and encourages him to reveal himself. Therefore, you can be completely available to be supportive of your partner’s true feelings and concerns.

How: Reflect, mirror, paraphrase, repeat, or summarize what you hear, as opposed to defend or fix. 

 Example:

 He: I’m feeling anxious about dinner with my family.
 She: So you are nervous about next week...
 He: Yeah! You know what a pain in the butt my brother

       can be.
 She: You really have a hard time with him.
 He: I guess I’ll just deal.
 She: You’ll figure it out as it comes at you.
 He: Wow! You’re so great to talk to. You really helped 

       me. I feel better.

When: Whenever someone is talking to you about anything, you can use this skill. Be it your partner, parent, friend, boss, co-worker or child.

Where: No matter where you are you can practice actively listening. But be careful, people will be think you are brilliant, because you give them the world’s greatest gift. In this busy world, few people truly listen, you can be the exception.
 

All the best,

Dr. Rita