All addiction, whether to alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, shopping, sex is an attempt to deal with emotional, spiritual or physical pain.

     When separated from, and longing for something real, and necessary to your well-being, and you don't know what it is, or how to get it, than utilizing your substance of choice is a way to deal with torment. You feel sorry for yourself instead of compassionate. General propensity for feeling sorry for yourself is a grand old pity party that leads to partying through addiction.

     Self-pity leads to a desire to numb yourself, rather than be loving and compassionate and kind to yourself.

     You have to ask yourself:

"What is my pain? My fear? My anger?"

"What do I feel separated from?"

"What am I longing for?"

     Learned habits once established become difficult to extinguish even in the face of dramatic, and numerous negative consequences, including the development of a solidly entrenched problematic pattern of addiction, which is repetitive, pleasurable, and reinforcing behavior.

     There exists physiological and psychological components of the behavior pattern than create dependency - despite negative feedback. Poor self-regulatory control appears to be out of control. Reinforcers become very strong. The addictive entity is formed as an integral part of the individual's way of life and coping with a powerful reward system that clouds awareness of problematic consequences related to the behavior, making change difficult or seemingly impossible.

     The interaction of these components in the life of the individual make the behavior resistant to change.

The failure to change despite outward appearance that change would be both possible, and in the best interest of the individual, is considered a cardinal characteristic in defining addiction.

     You need to believe that it must be worthwhile and that the consequences are not. It's called hitting bottom. Meanwhile, you lie to yourself and have poor impulse control.

     Confidence and self-esteem is a natural resource that may have gotten knocked out of you by the past. Give yourself permission to reconnect and own it again.

Compassion and love is your true nature, and your powerful ally, until life taught you to be selfish and self-protective. Give yourself permission to open your heart.

     Healing can happen with:

Laughter, Playfulness, Truth, Kindness, Compassion, Sleep, Passion, Friendship, Curiousity, Gentleness.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

The bride in her strapless, slinky ivory silk. 

The groom by her side in his tux, smug, satisfied,

Walking their first walk along the path by the river.

Two brown horses, one white, canter by with their helmeted young riders chattering and bumping along.

A yellow butterfly loops around the young spring green leaves,

Bugs buzzing, a giant yellowish ochre bumble bee swoops down.

Children laugh, run, calling, "Mommy can I have Chitoes?"

The shiny new husband and wife hold hands, grinning, proud of their win.

Their guests stand holding wine glasses, murmering, waiting for the festivities to begin on the porch of The Valley Green Inn near Philadelphia, Pa.

Blue and yellow pansies smile from their green hanging baskets.

Orange and white Japanese lanterns sway in the gentle warm breeze.

Bikers, walkers, runners, hikers swiftly pass, rushing to Sunday's nowhere, admiring the spring day full with bright light, chirping birds and a wedding.

They start their life today, those two, goals entwined around hopes and dreams.

Just breathe each moment and let it breathe you, I silently urge them,

Hold on to your optimism, and with a full heart accept what life serves up.

Always remember how lucky you are to have today.

To have each other.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     If I can tell you one thing that will improve your relationship with your partner or spouse, whether you are gay or straight, regardless of your age and how long you've been together, it is this: DON'T CRITICIZE.

     Sometimes I think that we women have a genetic pre-disposition to be unkind, albeit we think it's in a nice way, and we either ask for our partner to change, or tell him or her that we are not pleased with their behavior or their look, or the way that they talk, or smile, or their hygiene, or the way that they walk or talk, or the way that they say a particular thing. Or, we SPEAK THE TRUTH. So we tell them that we don't like their mother or sister or child, or that we don't like their behavior, but we're being honest. In a word, we CRITICIZE.

     Interestingly, telling the truth is one of the most misunderstood processes in life. We've been told that one's integrity is tied up in being honest and truthful. In fact, honesty is always the best policy, EXCEPT when it is your way of getting your way or being manipulative, or letting off steam, or wanting your partner to see things from your point of view. This is not about honesty or truth. It's strictly about CRITICIZING. And what does it do for your relationship? It creates toxcisity and strain, and leads to conflict and dire unhappy consequences.

     Even the youngest girls in relationships find themselves telling their boyfriends what to do, in the name of being helpful or honest. They suffer the same consequences. It's a burden which leads to stress.

     I once knew a girl named Debbie who asked me why she was always acting like her boyfriend's mother and trying to improve him and help him so much of the time. She said it always lead to arguements and fights, but it almost seemed as if she couldn't help herself. Once we spoke about it further, she realized that all the women she knew did the same thing with their men. She thought her father was hen-pecked. She knew her grandfather hated her grandmother for being pushy and controlling. Debbie did not want to end up like them.

     She asked me what she should do. She asked me if I ever did that. I admitted that it's been one of my greatest challenges as a woman and that sometimes I just imagine a giant band aid covering my mouth so that I would just stop being mothering which is just a synonym for being controlling and critical, when you're dealing with another adult.

     The next day she brought me a giant 30" band aid that still hangs in my office as a reminder. I love that metaphor. Just keep your damned mouth shut, girl!

     I've seen amazing things change once a woman ceases being critical, controlling, mothering, manipulative, and unnecessarily honest with her partner. It can truly create miracles.

All the best,

Dr. Rita