Last week I talked about THE RELATIONSIHP WISH LIST which will help you to determine, and then clarify your vision of a successful relationsihp or marriage. Here is Jeremey’s wish list:
 
I am mad about her.
When I see her I can hardly keep my hands off her.
When I hear her voice my heart beats harder.
We make gorgeous love together, often.
We look into each others' eyes - deep and long.
We are physically affectionate with each other.
We hold hands and touch often.
We catch each other looking at the other, with love and joy.
We laugh a lot together.
We talk for hours about all things.
We know how to be quiet together.
We are comfortable revealing anything to each other without fear of being judged.
We easily and lovingly support each other in times of crisis.
Just talking to the other gives us a feeling of being supported, cared for.
When we are in conflict we always resolve our problems, not allowing things to build or poison.
We recognize differences between us.
We compromise.
We openly admire each other.
We each have interests and friends exclusive of the other and take the time to enjoy them.
We spend plenty of time alone together, building and enjoying our relationship.
But we also include our separate friends in our lives and enjoy deep feelings of family ties together.
We care selflessly and deeply for each other and easily show it.
We are unique in how we share similar interests and spend a lot of time playing golf, sail, ski, going to movies, beach, and rock concerts.
When I talk she really listens and cares deeply about what I have to say.
She really respects my views and thinks I'm generally a great human being.
I view her as my best friend and sharer of my life.
I respect her mind, I love her humor, I adore her looks.
We have the same values towards loving and living.
We have made a commitment to be together.
Each of us has sown plenty of wild oats and are both desirous of being monogamous and exclusive, with our affections and bodies.
She is generous and gives freely of herself, as I do.
She has no malice toward anyone and easily forgives and forgets others for their transgressions,especially mine.
We are extremely considerate of one another and are eager to please each other.
We each love and care about ourselves and this enables us to come together and be  separate in just the right doses.
Occasionally we fight, but making up is always worth it.
We are interested in each others' careers and are supportive and  understanding of the energies we each need to expend to that end.
We are both mature and able to connect lovingly with each  other, where our individual best is reflected in our creativity and joy in life.
We need each other, but know we won't die without the other.
We want each other.
We both know how to listen.
Our lives work best when they are joined together.
It's not perfect, but our identity as a couple doesn't detract from each of our individual identities, only enhances it.
We are each our own center, but we are each others' focus, shelter and sustenance.

     Notice that there is no specific woman in Jeremy’s mind as he wrote his WISH LIST. I have given this assignment to hundreds of clients who, like Jeremy, were stuck in old solutions. These new ways of approaching their goals elicited for them, as they will for you, the results that they were seeking. It's a little like doing a self-hypnosis, where you give a strong message to your unconscious mind which after all, is the driver of the bus.
So, get to work. I'll tell you more next time.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Before you go out into the world to select your spouse, it would be useful to have a full and clear vision of what it is you are looking for in a marriage. And even if you are already married or in a relationship, it is useful to re-assess your goals, as this could shed light on the nature of your relationship. Many people see marriage as the endpoint.  In fact, it is the beginning.  The better you know yourself and what you want, the more likely you are to find a partner with whom that marriage you envision would be possible. 
     If you are like most people you probably have a list of credentials that you are hunting for in a partner.  Here's a typical list:

S/He must be beautiful/handsome
S/He must be rich
S/He must be smart
S/He must be funny
S/He must be interested in athletics
S/He must be a family person

     It is a mistake to focus on who your partner will be. It is a self-limiting endeavor that closes off a whole world of possibilities - and there's still no guarantee that a partner who meets all your criteria will make you happy. Rather, I recommend that you decide on what type of relationship you would like. This way, many different types of partners with widely varied credentials can join in your pool of possibilities, raising the chance of getting  what you want.  Think of it this way. Your goal is to find a love-partner, right?  But up until now you've only been searching among the people who fit your mental checklist - and it it hasn't worked, then you need a new solution. 
     Jeremy Howe was a successful 34 year-old businessman in the textile industry.  Handsome and eager to get married and settle down, he was forever seeking women who were bright, funny, pretty, stylish and successful. His mistrials and tribulations were numerous. No woman who fit Jeremy's checklist ever ended up as a viable marriage candidate.  He once rejected a perfectly desirable woman whom he especially liked and always had fun with because "her hairline was too high."  After working together with me for a while, Jeremy began to understand that at the root of his rigorous rejection of so many eligible and lovely women was his own basic fear of being rejected.
    Once he understood his participation in sabotaging his goal for  marriage, Jeremy was ready to take a risk and become vulnerable. He was ready to confront his fear and conquer it - the route to overcoming this very difficult problem was a new solution.

    Instead of focusing only on who you are looking for, STOP! and begin to look for what you want. For this search you will need my recipe for your

RELATIONSHIP WISH LIST which will help you clarify your goals.

Paint a picture - using words - of exactly the kind of relationship you would like to have in your life. These are the guidelines I suggest you follow:
1. Write it in present tense.
2. Begin by remembering what you liked about your previous romantic relationships - don't focus on a specific person as a partner, but create the relationship of your dreams, no holds barred, describing what is happening between the two of you.
3. And cite as many examples in different areas of your life as possible. 

     Next time I'll share more about this amazing tool.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     It is no accident that I became a Marriage & Family Therapist. Although I have a great deal of interest in how and why individuals function, I am fascinated by the texture of relationships. How they begin, how they end, and everything in-between. It’s the in-between I’d like to address here, as well as how to put on the brakes when it gets bumpy and starts heading for the end of the road.
     Magda and Steve had a romantic beginning when both were headed to LA on business. They felt they had a lot in common, especially their Christian value-system, political viewpoints, and bicycling. As a matter of fact, their honeymoon was spent cycling through Alaska, gawking at volcanoes, and making mad passionate love in gorgeous hotels such as the Aurora near Fairbanks. The honeymoon didn’t end until after their first child was born five years later, and then things just began to unravel.
     It started with Magda’s abrasive possessiveness with their baby who she felt certain needed her gentleness, while she rejected Steve’s attempts at changing diapers, or anything else, claiming that his hands were too big and rough for their supposedly fragile son. Steve’s feelings of rejection were soon submersed in his fear of confrontation, as he poured his energies into work. For the next several years there were two more children, and no attempts by the young husband or wife to bridge the gap that was growing wider than Alaska.
     One evening he just didn’t come home from work, and Magda finally acknowledged that something was wrong. She confronted her husband and he insisted that he had pulled an all-nighter, but she didn’t buy it. They showed up at my office soon after because Magda finally took off her blinders, and became aware that their sex life had gone the way of all flesh.
     During our first session Magda, who was still quite lovely to look at with her bright well-cared-for red hair and voluptuous figure, cried almost continuously while Steve who had a pot-belly that spoke of too many beers, was like a dormant volcano – silent and inert. At one point I asked Steve if he was having an affair. He asked, “Do you mean right now?” Magda’s tears dried instantly as she yelled at him, “What do you mean right now? Are you or have you ever had an affair?”
     During their course of couple counseling over the next eight months, the couple uncovered their hotspots, which featured Steve’s fear of confrontation and Magda’s unrelenting control issues. As they learned to communicate, be more honest with themselves and each other, confront their fears, needs and pain, forgive each other, and the patterns of their original families, they were fortunately able to resurrect the love that had hybernated these many years. Their relationship changed, the trust restored, and the common ground that had formerly brought them together, was once more a calm, deep-rooted source of comfort. Not surprisingly, their children began to thrive as well.
     The in-between is inevitably the most difficult challenge for most of us who strive to create good marriages. When the honeymoon ends, and life intervenes, most couples tend to lose their focus, don't make enough time to nurture their relationship, and are often insensitive to each other. 

     Three points to remember:

1. Touch base every day.

2. Touch each other often.

3. Be kind.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     You know things just seem to get away from you, how time has a way
of getting used up too fast, how there is never enough of it, how perhaps you procrastinate too much? Or if you’re like me, you forget.Yes, I know Freud said that forgetting is part of repression. But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and I plain forget. Years ago, I forgot a date with a dear friend who dumped me in anger after that event. I suppose she felt that I didn’t think she was important to me. She was. I had just forgotten. As a reaction to that trauma, I subsequently got into the habit of writing everything down. And what with Blackberry and i-Phone and the like we don’t really have good excuses to forget, unless we forget to write things down. That sometimes happens to me too.From the time I think of what I want to write down, until I hunt down my Blackberry, I remember that there was something I wanted to write down, but I forget what it was. No matter how many times I play Bridge or a NY Times puzzle, my old brain had failed on me since the ripe age of twenty-five.
     Forgetting is one thing,procrastinating is another. For example, I work with someone who just puts things out of his mind – that’s different then forgetting, when it relates to things that you truly want to accomplish. Every once in a while, those goals make a brief visit across the screen of
his consciousness, and he thinks, “Oh yeah, I really should put some thought into what other business might be of interest, in the event that I get fired. I’ll do that later. Later is a substitute for the hard work of thinking and planning to figure out a tough quandary.
     These harder or less pleasant parts of life are often the tasks we put off. We allow ourselves to be distracted, and avoid the things we need to do. Sometimes it’s because we believe that we’re too busy, that we don’t have enough time, we forget, or perhaps our pleasure-seeking brain wins over the pain of hard work.
     In order to get what you want, and go where you want to go, you first need to know where you are, and what you need to do to get there. Otherwise, next year, and in five years, you'll still find yourself
in the same place. Goal-Setting is essential. Without a goal, bird would never leave her nest, nor a dog leap for a bone. 
     I’ve personally adhered to a GOAL-SETTING SYSTEM that truly works. It's a no-fail system. It helps you put front and center the really important things in your life, that in your better moments, you know that you want to remember and to accomplish. Try it, you'll probably like it. Break it down and make it specific.

     Think of it as a new habit to adopt. Once a week, perhaps every Sunday when you definitely have a little extra time on your hands, make a list of five goals that you would like to accomplish in the week to come. It is essential that you write them down. The writing is the commitment. You can use your personal device, your calendar, or a pad that you will consult daily. I like to put it right into my Blackberry calendar so that it pops up whenever I open it to look at the day's appointments. Every time you have completed one of your goals you can delete it, erase it, or cross it out. For me this is a high! I get a huge sense of accomplishment when i complete one of my tasks. The list can vary from week to week, or you might find that certain items keep popping up on your list, because you need the daily reminder. 
     Here are some examples of goals to make:
1. Make a dental appointment.
2. Eat healthy - stick to my diet.
3. Jog for 30 minutes.
4. Complete my resume.
5. Clean the front hall closet.
All the best,
Dr. Rita