Sometimes I wish I could be a fairy god-mother and sprinkle pixie dust on all of my clients so that they can achieve their goals and get out from behind their obstacles. What I do offer my clients is an uncanny ability diagnose the nature of the obstacles that are obstructing their happiness, and insight into behavior that they could alter if they choose. The fact is that change is difficult, and although self-awareness is the key to healing, most of us are frightened of knowing. That might seem silly, but I have personally had that experience, as have thousands of people that I have treated.  

           The bad news is that Willpower is not enough. The good news is that Motivation, Commitment, and courage is all that you need. That's all?

    Let me tell you a personal anecdote. I am an Endomorph. My type, The Endomorph, generally fights the battle of the bulge, loves to eat, and often suffers from an aversion to physical activity. Were I to have had the good luck to have been born an Ectomorph: a person with a thin body, I would enjoy having my cake, eating it and being skinny too. Alternatively, I wouldn't have minded being born a Mesmorph: a person with muscles and an athletic orientation.

     To be healthy, Endomorphs like me need to stay motivated and committed to eat well and move their body on a regular basis. Just today I walked two and a half miles and had a wonderful breakfast of 1 slice of dry wholewheat toast, 2 eggwhites as an omelet, sliced tomatoes and lettuce, and a cup of Orange Zinger Tea. Later in the day I had a salad and a cup of chicken broth. I feel motivated today to be good to myself. Why? Because I believe that building muscles, and losing a little weight will decrease my back pain. Why? Because I have come to that conclusion based on trying everything else to help the chronicity of my back pain.

     However, willpower is not enough. You cannot use your power to will yourself to do something. You have to just put one foot in front of the other and do it. I met a woman in my elevator building the other day who had just returned from a run. She was definitely a mesomorph. We spoke a little and she said, "I'm thrilled that I'm DONE with my exercise. I hate doing it, but I love to be done with it." How do you motivate yourself? I asked her. "I give myself no choice. It's just somehting I do every day like brushing my teeth, washing my face, going to sleep at night. It's what I do." Great advice, I thought.

     Tomorrow is my third day of walking for an hour. I've scheduled it as a 'date' with a good friend. I'm looking forward to it. I'm on a roll.

All the best,

Dr. Rita 

     Why is it that so many friends are undergoing life-altering illness and a close relationship with death and dying?

     As one very wise 70 year old physician said to me, regarding his much loved wife who was dying of a rare form of cancer, "I know it's not forever. This is normal. Life ends. It's just so much harder than I expected it to be."

     I ask myself. So, is it normal to die? Yes, I answer.

Is it normal to become ill and suffer? Yes, I answer. Is it normal for things to end? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to have pain? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to be stressed about it, anxious and unhappy? NO. NO. NO.

     Although, perhaps I am wrong. "Normal" means most frequently found among the population, not right or wrong, or good or bad. And most likely, most people are stressed and anxious and afraid when confronted with grave illness and dying.

     I think there is another way. I strive to be more like my physician friend, to learn to be mindfull of whatever comes my way. That means to me that I fully let myself be aware of what it is that is happening to me or to someone that I love. That I let myself feel whatever goes along with that, be it pain, sadness, fear, anger... and just be curious about what those emotions are about. That also means to me that I can also be grateful, curious, joyous as I notice other things that are simultaneously happening - a sunny yellow day, the gorgeous show that white roses, purple geraneums, pink phlox, and brand new spring green shoots of tall grass provide for us at this time of year. Hearing birds loudly chirp, bees drinking their flower nectar as they buzz around a garden, planting tomatoes with the hope of eating red ones next month, watering and fertilizing with organic matter and good intentions. 

     Being in the present moment with whatever life brings our way, without judging, negating, complaining can be a wonderfully freeing experience.

     Another dear friend is very ill with a form of cancer that requires ongoing chemotherapy for the rest of her life, which debilitates her three weeks out of four. she sleeps when she needs to, when her energy doesn't let her get out of her house. But when she can, she pushes herself to paint her wonderful abstracts that still win first place in local art shows, and enjoys the parties to which is always invited to as the charming artist and asset to any gathering along with her loving, supportive, constant husband. She lives a mindfully meditative life too. 

     To cope with these terrible, normal life events take courage and perspicacity, yes of course. But it also takes practice where you can get it. And where you can get it is to meditate mindfully every day. To take time out of your boring, or difficult, or busy life, and just spend 20-30 minutes BEING STILL. The nourishment and skill that is garnered through this practice becomes the fodder for well-being and peace that aids in limiting the anxiety and stress that life's unwanted gifts ultimately present to each of us.

All the best,

Dr. Rita   

     Two research projects from California and Pennsylvania report the intensely stressful emotional 
and social repercussions of parenthood.Three interesting results have been identified:
1) In 50% of the cases in these studies, marital satisfaction declined after the birth of a first child.
2) Postponing parenthood seems to make no difference in the measure of distress experienced. 
3) When a couple become parents, they seem to automatically and unconsciously revert to traditional  gender-specific roles, even when both work outside the home.
     I have observed similar repercussions. Many couples who enjoyed a highly sexual and loving relationship before the birth of their first baby,find themselves,even two years later, more distant, angry and dissatisfied with marriage and with each other.  Couples who wait until their late 30's to marry and/or have children, seem to suffer similar kinds of consequences. And somehow, no matter how much equality exists before parenthood, women seem to fall into traditional roles where they identify themselves as the primary parent, taking on the major work of child rearing, while men fall into typical breadwinner roles, leaving the child to their wives. 
  
Steven and Jill wed in their late 30's. After two years Paul was born. They had been madly in love and successfully coped with a complicated life including two careers and a large extended family. Jill stopped working for an indefinite period of time during the last tri-mester of her pregnancy. Steven, in an effort to make up for this financial void, increased his work load.  When their baby was born Jill became increasingly angry at Steven for his lack of involvement and help with the baby. Steven thought that what he could use was another pair of hands along with 12 more hours in each day. Jill's attachment to the baby grew inversely to her distancing from her husband.  When he did make attempts to spend time with Paul, Jill always second guessed him and was critical of his approach. Steven in turn, felt more and more inadequate, was reluctant to spend time with his son, and relented only when he could no longer tolerate Jill's nagging. At the same time, Jill's interest in sex perished while Steven's resentment multiplied. As the couple played out their conflicts in two new arenas: sexual dissatisfaction and baby care, love and marriage nearly died.

     When they began working with me, we addressed the issue biggest issue of all. Any time someone is added or subtracted from a family, a crisis ensues. The work of dealing with that crisis is what Steven and Jill had to take on. The normalcy that I described to them regarding the challenge and opportunity for change that their son Paul brought with him, helped to alter their attitude. Instead of thinking she was crazy, Jill realized through our conversations, that Steven was doing the best that he could, albeit not quite what she needed. Simultaneously, Steven began to see how his obsession with work left Jill out in the cold with their baby and that she felt lonely and abandoned by him. They both were willing to address their emotions and behavior, and put several changes in place. Steven agreed to limit his hours of work-focus. Jill agreed to limit her criticisms. Steven agreed to spend more time with his wife and child. Jill agreed to spend less money. Slowly, they each made concessions and began to like each other again.

      Remember, the studies that I quoted earlier were clear that there was a 50/50 chance of failure after parenthood. There is also a 50/50 chance at success.

All the best,
Dr. Rita