Intimacy doesn't just happen. As much as we all would like to have a best friend, a lover, a partner, we have to first go through the six stages on the highway of connection toward every kind of meaningful relationship.
Stranger: a person you just met recently, have not spent much time with and don't know very well.
Acquaintance: a person you know casually, most likely through other friends, or possibly from work.
Buddy: a person you know superficially and spend time with when mutually convenient but not necessarily because of mutual caring. This is someone from the office that you might go out with after work, or a buddy with whom you would go to meet other people, or someone you are in the process of getting to know better.
Companion:  a casual friend with whom you have a low level of commitment, and with whom you spend time doing particular activities, which are sometimes more important to you then the person himself. This could be a tennis partner, a shopping companion, a skiing buddy or for some people even a sex partner. This could also be someone who is on the way to becoming a real friend.

Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Everyone had heard of therapy, read about it, seen it on sitcoms, The Sopranos, youtube, and read articles in newspapers and magazines. Yet, until you're in therapy with a psychotherapist, you really don't know what it's really about and what happens. (To add to the question, just because you've been in therapy doesn't mean that your next psychotherapist works the same way. Confusion reigns.)

     Imagine if I were to ask you to describe the taste of chocolate or salt. You probably couldn't find enough words to do it justice You'd end up saying, you have to taste it to know it.

     Psychotherapy is a "talking cure" to borrow from Freud, and in of itself this is quite a powerful method of healing. Participating in the process raises your consciousness and you become more proactive in your life.

     In general it would be fair to say that psychotherapy provides a forum in which a person can sift through the debris of his or her symptoms and pain, gain clarity and relief, and experience emotional growth and healing. One of the most challenging aspects of therapy is the "MIRROR EFFECT," the relationship between the psychotherapist and client. You can't observe yourself in solitary confinement. In order to face what really hurts and heal from it, it's essential to have a professional witness to one's life, the crimes that were committed against them from others as well as from themselves. The therapist becomes the mirror that allows the patient to view him or herself with clarity and compassion, where their fear is contained in the relationship. Honesty and courage step front and center. Depending on the duration of the symptoms and pain, Psychotherapy usually takes more than just a few sessions.

     If the pain is the result of a single incident trauma, such as an accident, an illness, a career crisis, or the like, then it is often possible to accomplish a great deal in a brief period of time. Let me give you an example.

     A 25 year old woman came to me a while back who said she hadn't slept in years. I asked her how many years, and she'd said since whe was sixteen. I asked what had happened when she was sixteen. She'd said that her brother's best friend had raped her and that she'd never told anyone about it until now when she told me. We talked about this for a couple of sessions, used EMDR, the Trauma Method that involves eye movement, and soon after she called to tell me that a miracle had happened. She slept. We ended therapy after three sessions.

     Most of the time, problems are connected to our development in our families of origin or with our current relationships, where it takes a little longer to come to similarly successful results. We start and talk, I don't have a magic bullet, I don't give solutions, yet we discover them together as we move one brick at a time from your psychic back. Eventually, self-awareness and insight reaches a higher level and old dysfunctional behavior and beliefs are distabilized, you learn new coping skills, develop goals, create solutions, overcome obstacles that are in the way of leading a happy, contented life.

     The most important factor is to find a therapist that you resonate with. It's a relationship just like any other, and the connection you have with your therapist needs to be one where you feel comfortable and safe. Then, the crucible of your relationship becomes the context in which healing happens.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

     This question came up for me yesterday when I decided to make myself a healthy lunch. As I was assembling the ingredients that included, lettuce and basil from my deck garden, sliced strawberries, blueberries, shredded carrots, snap peas, walnuts and boiled shrimp dressed with a lovely olive oil that I bought out of a keg in a local specialty store, and champagne vinegar from Trader Joe's it occurred to me how much work this was. It literally took 40 minutes to wash, dry, prep, and clean up after myself. That seemed like an extraordinary amount of time to make little ole' me lunch.
     Prior to that, I had spent my time talking to clients, making phone calls related to household issues, going through email, making my bed, swimming for 30 minutes, showering and getting dressed, having a simple breakfast, and all that seemed worthwhile. BUT how much time do I deserve to give myself to make lunch? Had I just grabbed some goat cheese and carrots, an oatmeal bar, or a turkey sandwhich on a bagel, or a can of soup it would have taken five minutes. Not only that, but it doesn't take that long to eat all of that. Whereas, it takes quite a while to fork, chew and swallow a big mixed salad.
     So many of us are altogether willing to do for others, isn't that the American way? OK. So I decided I'm worth it, and followed it up with a yummy dinner that took about 20 minutes to prep, then cook. I also took the time to read, take a walk and meditate. I really had to work at self-nurturing and to believe that "I deserve it." But all too frequently, we come last.  What happens when we come last? We become resentful for one thing, and we tend to expect others to make us first, or at least count, and when they don't, we get really angry. Additionally, no one ends up takeing care of us...if we don't.  

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita