We all want to be in-love, paired with another, hopefully for life. Most of us want to exist in marital bliss, and to have babies and make a family of our own. The positive love that we seek, is modeled for us in storybooks, on TV shows such as The Cosby Show, in film and picture-perfect Ralph Lauren advertisements.

     We all have an ideal image of what positive love is. Most likely yours is a lot like mine, and includes feeling happy and good about ourself and the other when together or apart, having fun together, sharing values and life-goals, enjoying a deep mutual respect, being there for each other in times of trouble and strife, fighting well and clean, enjoying a healthy physical relationship, sharing good times with family and friends, supporting each other economically and practically in terms of household chores and child care, supporting each other's individual growth including career strivings, alternating between the roles of child/parent/friend with each other depending on the situation. The list can go on as long as your imagination can stretch.

     The ideal that we each wish for can be achieved with enough positive self-love which hopefully originated with the kind of love we received as children. Sometimes our own parents' baggage got in their way of giving us the positive love we needed and deserved, even when they were well-intentioned and loved us intensely. Sometimes we got negative love instead because that was all our parents could manage because their lives were over-loaded by external factors such as economic or social turmoil, or internal chaos derived from emotional illness of one kind or another, or their own experiences in their original family. Negative love can be defined as love which is tainted by neglect or abuse.

     When we as children were often the recipients of negative love, we come into our adulthood with a warped idea of what positive love might be, and at the same time are not skilled at providing positive love for ourself or others, and sometimes even reject positive love from others, unconsciously believing that negative love is positive love because that's what we had experienced in our own original families, which seemed normal to us. Are you thoroughly confused yet?

     There is hope. No matter what kind of love we received as children, we are all capable of being magnets for positive love. It begins with self. Here are a few steps to start your journey toward making yourself positive-love-ready.

1.  See, hear and feel what it is like to have positive love in your life. Let yourself be aware of how others exhibit love and become aware of what those ingredients are.

2.  Practice with yourself first. Talk to your inner self/child the way you would talk to the most precious person you could ever meet. Listen to your own little self with rapt attention as you connect to your inner feelings and needs.

3.  Have a date or several with yourself. Learn how to appreciate and have fun with yourself.

4. Relax and enjoy yourself in every situation you find yourself in, whether work or play - be in the moment, that's where true happiness exists. Learn to be happy alone.

5.  Practice the same type of friendliness with everyone who crosses your path.

6.  Be an educated consumer, and don't jump into the first relationship that comes your way. Take your time, lots of time. It will come to you.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     The most important issue related to trauma and addiction of any kind is the process of emotional disconnection from self and others. We all begin as infants who would literally die without connection with our mothers. (In most societies it is the female nurturing the young, and therefor I designate this first and foremost connection as the mother, and along with her, the first and foremost connection with the mother as taking in nourishment and nurturance.

    There are times when the mother is absent, and when other females take her place, and on rare occasions a male, in which case this figure becomes the primary connection. However, here I will unilaterally talk about the mother, albeit with the caveat that there are occasional substitutes that can do almost as good a job as the ideal mother.)    

     Remember the monkey studies of the 1960's where baby monkeys died when an effigy of an adult female monkey was strug onto a branch in their cage with a bottle of formula attached to it? The straw and wire monkey looked a lot like a monkey mother, but alas, was not, and although the baby monkey was nourished, it was not nurtured. The monkeys died. The results of these sad experiments made it clear that human infants need humans to care for them. Once again, such outcomes with similar results occurred  in Great Britain during WWII when infants who were nourished by propped bottles in all too busy orphanage/hospitals died in droves because there weren't enough caretakers to hold, hug, smile and nurture them.

     We learned that to thrive, babies need to be nourished and nurtured and have some primary survival needs met: nourishment, nurturing, attachment, affection, attention, safety and security. The more caretakers provide such care, the better.

     Fathers have an equally crucial role in the life of their baby in that they supply the safety and security needs related to the outside world, as well as more sophisticated affection and attention needs. The wonderful news is that the care needs to be Just good enough. And in the case of a family where the mother is incapable of providing nurturing, the father can take her place with few dire consequences, if any.

     With all that being equal, there are times when we can't be there for our children in the way they need us. When we can't protect them, or make them safe, or give them enough attention because of our own heavy burdens our children develop HOLES in the fabric of attachment. These holes create symptoms that can be life-threatening as very severe eating disorders, addictions, anxiety attacks, depression and other nightmares.

     The Art of Therapy is to identify the existence of those HOLES, tho mend and heal them, utilizing a creative pallette of traditional, experiential and holistic therapeutic tools so that life can flow through us again and we can reconnect with our own true self. And then, with others.

     The Art of Living Life Well is to become aware of our patterns, and be on the lookout for our HOLES so tht we can get support to mend them, as well as to learn the crucial skill of SELF-SOOTHING.

     In these ways, addictions can be reversed, or averted altogether, and good mental health belong to us.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     I don't know of anyone who hasn't at some point in their life experienced at least one heavy-duty trauma. More often, we all experience a variety of small and LARGE traumas throughout our lives. This is the human condition. It's kind of nice to know, that the body's elegant condition is to help us cope with all sorts of trauma. The small traumas are easily integrated by our physiology, whereas the larger ones may need a little extra help.

     One time I skidded on the Cross Island Expressway at 10pm on a weeknight, and 360'd about three times, landing on the shoulder unharmed, but green with vertigo and palpitating anxiety. During the few seconds that I was out of control, I literally saw my life pass through my mind, and 'knew' this was the end of my life. Thankfully it wasn't. I sat trembling for a few minutes as my heartbeat slowed, and my mind integrated the happy fact that there had been no traffic and I was safe. Soon, I literally shook off my fear, put the car in gear, and continued on my way home where I slept a deep and grateful sleep, never again to be troubled by that incident.

     With no warning, my nervous system had been activated by the mishap, and because it was such a little trauma, and I survived it so well, my mind tucked that memory in a file called, no-big-deal-but-not-forgotten.

     We all have those kinds of files and folders and most of the time they just lie low. But then there are the BIGGER traumas. One of my patients, Joan, experienced a childhood where her drunken mother was often out of control, negligent, and usually absent as she passed out on the kitchen floor or in front of the TV. The cluster of events in Joan's folder called, mom-the-drunk was thick and ugly, and included hundreds of events when Joan felt frightened, alone, unsafe, unloved and forgotten. The heft and weight of this folder of trauma, though not life-threatening in the usual sense, dragged Joan down into her adult life, where she continued to feel uncared for, and continually attracted men who were irresponsible and unavailable to her, just like her mother had been.

     Joan's nervous system was always set to high-alert, ready to deal with emergencies at the cry of another, but incapable of settling down or relaxing into a calm or happy experience or relationship.

     Richard, on the other hand, was one of the few survivors of 9/11. He had had the sense to run down the stairs after the first plane hit the first tower, taking with him a couple of dozen co-workers from the 12th floor. His leadership skills saved many lives that black Tuesday, including his own. This was an EXTRA LARGE trauma, which though he survived, was filed under, I-should-have-saved-more-lives-why-did-I-live-while-others-died.

     Richards's nervous system was consistently set to low, to depression, guilt and a sense of hopelessness about the meaning of life.  There is a yidish word, CHESHEK, which roughly translated means desire with soul. Well, Richard's soul was on empty after 9/11 even though he should have been living with the pride of a hero.

     Trauma Therapy which addresses the body and the mind has helped people like Joan and Richard to fill the holes of the disconnections they suffered. In my office I have had the honor to assist, as in childbirth, in making those miracles happen.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     The whole idea of boundaries is of interest to me of late. A boundary is defined as a line between countries, between people, between our very own cells. The boundary clarifies what stays in and what stays out of a given entity.

     When two people get married or commit to each other, they want to develop a boundary around their relationship that needs to be guarded no differently than the way a boundary between two countries is guarded by border patrol police, for example, the border between Mexico and the United States. 
     In a viable marriage where the external boundary is hopefully fitted with a little white picket fence so that others can be invited to come in from time to time, there develops an interdependency between the couple - a healthy balance of independence and dependence. Yet even within the boundary of the relationship there are more boundaries.

     The diagram above illustrates how a healthy relationship operates when there is interdependence. Each member of the couple is responsible to and for themself as well as to and for the relationship. She is taking care of #1 and #3 and he is taking care of #2 and #3. In this way no one is overloaded and both get taken care of, and there are two people nurturing and taking care of the relationship. There is a separation, a boundary around each one so that there can be continued personal development. On the other hand, an unhealthy relationship is one where she is taking care of #2 and #3 and he is taking care of #2, thus leaving no one to take care of #1-less often, it is the man who is in the over-responsible position.

     What else does this external boundary mean? You are each other's family, the commitment is surprisingly strong, and you can relax as you and your partner create a new beginning.  Working on your marriage, which means talking about what you like and what you don't like will protect the warm glow and loving feelings between both of you.  When your relationship is honest, your needs get met and you are content - there is no desire for other sex partners. 

     The internal boundary connotes nurturing your marriage, giving each other the space to fulfill individual needs tht will create a sense of freedom and satisfaction for both of you. In this day of economic hardship and family struggles, it is important for men to take an active role in the business of emotional relating and for women to share the responsibilities in the business of making money.  Real intimacy is fostered in an atmosphere of equality and fairness.  It cannot fully actualize between two people of disparate power.  Marriage is no harder or easier than being single, it is just another option.  Success depends on both partners' willingness to confront issues and to always remember that you are a team!

All the best,

Dr. Rita