Do you feel trapped even when you know that you should leave, that the relationship that you are in is not good for you? Do you find that your intellect and your emotions don't even seem to know each other, let alone get along? Does your mind tell you one thing, while your body and emotions know another? When this person is bad for you, is scraping the dregs of your self-esteem into the garbage, when everyone else knows that this person is your nemesis, your poison, why are you the last to know, really know, in your gut and in your heart? And then, why does it take so long for reality to catch up with your ability to take action and to say your final goodbye?

     Don't worry, you're not alone. Very many women and men have undergone this type of situation at one point in their lives. You are not a freak! Kind of going through your dummy stage, that's all. The dummy stage is when you are not taking good enough care of yourself because you don't have the tools yet.

     The underlying stuckness lies in the proclivity we humans all share, a deep need to feel connection to another human. This is literally a foundation need, that when met by our parents when we were infants and young children, empowers us for the rest of our lives to have the capacity to be alone and disconnected from others for a time, because the deep, meaningful connection that our parents were able to have with us, enabled us to develop that same connection with our core self. With that piece of ephemeral string that connects me to my inner me, where I can withstand standing alone as a child, as an adult.

     A sweet six-year old girl that I know was fortunate enough to have been born into a family with parents who are grown-ups, who have enough of their own core self intact, that they can parent appropriately and lovingly. Yes, I say lucky, because the family that we are born into is completely a matter of luck - good or bad, although some people may call it kharma, and others who believe in past lives, may call it yet something else. But for this life, I'd like to assert that our parents' capacity to make us feel safe, connected and loved as young children, implodes into our core belief in feeling safe in the world, loveable, and at peace with our own inner self.

    The girl, Shawna, was in the playground recently when her best friend told her that she didn't want to play with her today because she wanted to play with another girl instead. Shawna didn't cry. She went to the swing and played by herself. When I said, "That must really hurt to be told that she doesn't want to play with you," and I gave her a hug. Shawna hugged me back and said, "It's okay, I understand, and yes, I feel bad too." After another moment, she smiled up at me and ran back to the swing. Shawna was innoculated for self-esteem and loveability by her parents. She will probably never need to attach herself to people who don't want her, or mistreat her.

    However, when we did not receive the booster that parents can provide, and instead had parents who abandoned, rejected, neglected or abused us, we have a huge learning to accomplish - to develop unconditional friendliness toward our self. With that new database intact, we can have a clearer vision and a more powerful push to reject those who reject us.

     Psychotherapy, Meditation and Writing are three pathways to healing that I recommend.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     I'm talking about a Communication Skill today that will save you an extraordinary amount of heartache as you relate to your lover, friend, partner, child, boss, or spouse. You will be amazed at how your relationships will turn into a complete pleasure as clarity and understanding is reached, and you begin to resolve real issues. Think of it as a fraction that you learned in elementary school.

                                                 PROCESS

                                                 CONTENT

Process comes before content. Defined as follows:

Content is the topic, what you are actualy talking about.

Process is the underlying "meta-communication" that is happening between you and the person you are talk with.

     For example, when my husband and I argue about cleaning the kitchen counters after using the kitchen, that's the TOPIC of our conversation, the CONTENT.

     The manner in which we argue is the PROCESS. If we're yelling at each other, than we are in the midst of a power struggle, whereby we are each trying to control the other.

     This communication formula guarantees success because instead of going around and around with the content of the argument, which most of us tend to do, I suggest you change gears, and turn the focus to the process. FIRST.

     Imagine in the above example, if I were to turn to my husband and address the process and say, "Honey, we seem to be arguing about which of us will get their way here. I, who want the kitchen spotless, and you, who don't care very much. We are having a power struggle about who is going to win."

     Furthermore, imagine my husband who is suddenly taken out of the loop-d-loop of our arguing over the kitchen counter topic, responding to my comment, and might say, "Yes, you seem to want your way here."  I might then be able to say, "Yes, it's important to me that the kitchen counter be wiped after it's used, and I'd appreciate your cooperation here." And he might say, "Well, it's not important to me, you do it if it's what you want, I don't even notice it."  Now we are "discussing" and no longer arguing our relationship. The resolution of the kitchen counter problem could be that I come to realize that having a spotless kitchen which is important to me, but not to my husband, is my problem. Or that he may remember a little more often to please me by wiping the counters. We are clear about what's going on, and have eliminated the negative energy.

     Interrupting Content and putting Process first is a winning formula.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     There is no argument that trauma is not a good thing. But as I wrote last week in Part 1, a traumatic experience has the potential to transform into a positive outcome.

     Let me tell you about Cathy (fictitious details to protect confidentiality) a beautiful Irish brunette who came to see me about a year ago when she survived a rather serious accident. She was crossing a busy intersection on foot without paying full attention to traffic, her head burried in her Blackberry, when she was struck from the right by an SUV, that actually ran over her right foot and knocked her to the ground. She underwent many months of surgery, rehabilitation, pain, and still suffered flashbacks where she re-lived the trauma, waking up in the night drenched in the cold sweat of fear. The worst part for Cathy had been the sudden, unexpected rush of pain that left her feeling unsafe in the world. She had gained forty pounds since the accident, and lived to eat.
     In the process of working together with me Cathy once said, "It was as if I had been sleep-walking through my life. Just how crazy was I," she continued, "to cross Broadway without looking around - I was a techno-addict." Cathy copped to being out of touch with her husband and her feelings, but was unclear as to whether the Blackberry helped her numb out, or if her work required that she focus her energy there instead of her personal life. In time, Cathy realized that her marriage was a sham - there had been no sex, no intimacy, no kindness, no friendship for ten years, during which time she was more comfortably at the office as a well-regarded paralegal than as a wife, and becoming a workaholic and Blackberry fiend was a great way to disconnect from the reality of her unhappiness at home.
     The accident was a wake-up call as it turned out. The crisis Cathy was still undergoing, was opening a door where she could begin by opening her eyes and acknowledging the reality of the circumstances of her life, and in particular her marriage. She had the opportunity now to make changes because continuing in the same old way was no longer comfortable for her - something she realized during the months of recuperation.

     Despite the ongoing leg pain, she knew that she needed help to find new solutions. She felt confident about her willingness and courage to face the challenge that the accident created for her. Call that the luck of the Irish, or the silver lining on a cloudy day, but Cathy was willing to open her heart to herself, and to examine her 50% or the resonsibility in making her marriage what it was. Cathy knuckled down in her therapy, and began by confronting her numbing out behavior, and changing. 

     Another patient of mine, Brady who was a successful investment banker - even through the tough times, suddenly lost his father to a rare form of cancer, leaving him reeling from pain of never having had a relationship with this most important man in his life. He turned things around by becoming a better father to his own son in the hope of breaking a long-standing family tradition of disconnected fathers and sons.
     Not everyone is capable of Post-Traumatic Transformation. But if you are grateful to be alive, and miss the passion that had once fueled your days, or if you feel to be truly entitled to live a full and passionate life, than you can take advantage of gifts that come your way that can provide you with those windows, the rare opportunities of Transformation and Expansion, that appear wrapped in all sorts of strange ways.

All the best,

Dr. Rita