We all want to be close, to be involved, to share life with someone special. Much of the time love and marriage appear to work better in movies and fairy tales then they do in real life.  An inordinate number of men and women seem to have a turnstile approach to relationships, yet yearn not to be alone in life. They want to find a partner, to get married and stay married. I have helped thousands of individuals overcome the barriers that had prevented them from finding, committing and holding onto healthy nurturing relationships and marriages. 

     When a person enters the romantic sphere, there is a natural tendency to behave in the same way that they learned to relate in their original family. From carefully watching how our parents loved and fought with each other, we internalize a picture of how we think intimate relationships work, and how we are supposed to behave. Let's face it, most of our parents did not have terrific marriages. When our role models for intimacy were dysfunctional, we naturally internalize that pattern as adults – instead of recognizing the abnormality and doing something different, because faulty feels normal, we keep doing the same thing over and over again, without recognizing that our current problems are in keeping with what we learned growing up at home.

The fundamental obstacles to a successful intimate relationship are insufficient personal maturity and lack of emotional availability. These form the basis for gauging a person's “Marriage Readiness.” This is a concept I devised that asks: Are you emotionally and developmentally ready to move out of  your role as someone's daughter or son and become someone else's wife or husband? Are you truly free to become a grown-up? To dig deep and become vulnerable. To really listen.

     The potential for finding a truly loving partner lies first in acknowledging that you do not have what you want, and then in recognizing that to get it you need to change the way you have been operating. Most people look for simple solutions to their problems and, once they find one, stick to it like a fly to fly paper whether it works or not. Often what people need is to apply fresh solutions to their old problems - to do something different. Even a small change can make a big difference. What is needed is courage, wisdom, and sometimes a little help from a professional.

Five Steps Toward Success in Your Relationship:

1. Focus on yourself first. You are 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship.

2. Become ruthlessly honest of both your strengths and liabilities.

3. Address painful and difficult issues with your significant other, and learn to take clear positions about your values, needs and desires.

4. Be aware of differences between you, learn to respect them and work with them. Be realistic! You'll never be in perfect harmony about everything with anyone.

5. Even when the going gets rough, stay emotionally tuned into your partner, avoiding the tendency we all have to either fight or flee.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

Most people report unforeseen feelings of anxiety or confusion accompanying their first year of marriage. The wedding absorbs the major portion of a couple’s energy from the moment of engagement to the honeymoon. My book, Bride's Guide to Emotional Survival, http://www.ritacanhelp.com/bridesguide/bridesguide.html  addresses the multitude of emotional issues that occupy a couple’s attention on the way to the altar. But, as Oprah asked when she interviewed me on her show, “What about the marriage?” 

After the honeymoon, couples return to real life, and it’s often a shock. Suddenly there are no pressing wedding details to obsess about, the phone stops its incessant ringing with questions or complaints from various family members, and it’s just the two of you. Now what? Chances are that as newlyweds you  haven’t had time to absorb the idea that you are now a family with just each other.

In this new state newlyweds are in for a lot of surprises – being married is like nothing they have ever expected. Even if a couple had been cohabiting, there is still a great deal which changes. The pair is no longer together in just a private way, but as part of society’s infrastructure. The institution of marriage takes on a life of its own, as it has a tendency to adopt a culture’s rules and traditions regarding the respective roles of wife and husband, and expectations often go festering underground. The couple is, in this way, presented with a host of new challenges concerning how to integrate and overcome the subliminal murmurs generated by society and family. How a couple processes these challenges determines their success in creating a mutually satisfying marriage.

Most couples experience a number of emotional adjustments immediately after the honeymoon, which include a new sense of confidence and unity as well as fear and confusion. The most important phase in a couple’s life together is the first year of marriage because it is during this time that the foundation of their relationship is established. It is much easier to create a healthy marriage from the start, than to later be faced with the onerous job of having to fix one that has begun to fail.

I once worked with a couple where Stephanie thought that by copying her sister's marriage, she'd be creating her dream. Unfortunately, she dismissed her husband John's concerns as irrelevant. They ended up divorced before their second anniversary.  

As a rule, newlyweds discover at least a subtle change. In most cases, couples are unaware that they have different expectations from marriage than before their wedding. Expectations develop from a variety of influences, and become entrenched as rules for the marriage. The more a couple is attentive to their hopes, the better they can make necessary adjustments.

The first and most important thing to know is that the more you talk with each other about your expectations, and truly listen, the more sturdy the early marital foundation will become. It is helpful to recognize that what worked before, may no longer be appropriate now that the nuptial bond has been sealed. Remember, what happens early in your marriage gets set in cement. I strongly disagree with the adage what you don’t know won’t hurt you, and suggest that as much as possible couples remain aware of the patterns of behavior that make up their relationship. This way, the foundation laid is a solid one that will last a lifetime.

All the best,

Dr. Rita