Stuff happens. What starts out as starry skies and holding hands at midnight, sometimes turns into sour grapes. Not too unusual is a situation like this: You fall in-love with Mr. or Ms. Right, the wedding is fabulous, the children are amazing - parenthood is the most fun you ever had, but the pink haze of couplehood and happiness is gone after just a few years of distraction, hard work and life stressors. There is no dirth of stress for any of us. If it's not the economy or taxes or loans, it's illness or business. It's hard to find time to make yourself happy, let alone to feed and nurture your marriage which needs as much as care to survive as any other living, breathing thing. Most of us neglect our marriages nearly as much as we neglect ourselves. What to do?

     Janice was in just such a mess. Arfter fifteen years, the fun was gone. The children and the big career just weren't enough for her to feel fulfilled. Not only that, but she was exhausted. Not from the job, but from what felt like hard work that never amounted to much in the marriage.

    In working with Janice we quickly realized that there was not enough quality of life for Janice as a person, as a woman, as an individual. When I asked her what made her happy that didn't have anything to do with the children or her work, she was stumped. When I asked her what she liked about herself, she was equally baffled. "For certain," she said "I don't like myself as a wife, all I do is karp at him, because he's always criticizing me, raging at me, and I can't stop making hate-lists in my head." 

     I asked Janice to come up with five things she likes about herself that are only about her. With a lot of prodding and brain-storming we came up with this list:

1. I like that I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to give myself this therapy.

2. I like that I work out three days a week, even though I could be spending the time cleaning closets.

3. I'm happy with myself that I stay connected to my mother, my sister and my close friends. I take the time to make phone calls to the women in my life.

4. I'm happy that I keep a journal - it keeps me sane and connected to reality.

5. I enjoy the fact that I give myself the pleasure of a bath once a week.

     This short list was very difficult for Janice. However, she was really proud of herself for having been able to come up with it at all.

     When I asked her to come up with five things she liked about her marriage, she thought I was hilarious. She ended up with a homework assignment we decided would be useful, that she would give her husband five compliments in the coming week.

     The reason this is important, is that it's a way to shift the emphasis from a negative mind set about the marriage, to one that has more mercy and gentleness. What we think and what we tell ourselves influences our attitude, as well as the outcome. When Janice began to think more positively about her husband, and actually validated him for the good things that he did, things got better. Not only did she perceive them as better, but he was inclined to feel more positively about her and about the marriage, and lived up to her expectations of him. With that, there was room for the relationship to begin moving on a new axel.  

All the best,

Dr. Rita