Red hearts and Valentine's Day is inspiring me to write about love. When I think about what makes the world go around, and life worthwhile, there's nothing more important than love. There are many different kinds of love besides romantic and sexual love, all of which are based on a deep connection based on friendship, compassion and caring.

     The foundation of love rests in our own core. The love and friendship we have with ourself. All too often we are self-critical and even hate ourselves. We were meant to love ourselves, and do so as infants, but negative experiences during childhood in our families of origin and in society often lead us to be self-judgmental and even abusive and self-punitive. We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated by others, and in turn as adults, treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we learn to be more compassionate and kind toward ourselves, we become more friendly to everyone that we come into contact with, and toward people we don't know as well. This opens the window to fully enjoying love potential.

     The love we have for our mother (usually the nurturing parent) and later our father makes the world go around for us as little people. We are madly in love with our parents as children, and if we are very lucky they with us. Remember all those Valentine Day cards you sent your parents and grandparents? How the world seemed shiny when you were sitting on their lap and basking in their love for you and for each other? These experiences built your sense of trust, hope, and self-acceptance which made love and kisses the salve for any hurt you felt. At least until adolescence.

     Although nothing is as satisfying and as happiness-provoking as love, we human beings have a way of making it the source of much unhappiness and pain. Especially when it comes to Romantic love, which we most want, we tend to imbue with far too many expectations, that unfortunately often go unmet.

     Adult romantic love gives us a second chance at the gorgeous intimacy we experienced as infants with our mothers, or that which we were missing and dreamed about. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having romantic love, yet there are two reasons that it so often goes sour so quickly. In the early stages of romance we see each other through rose-colored glasses and passion is high because early love is like a drug. Often we are driven by our gonads to decide on a partner, and leave our minds at home. In addition, our maturity level dictates our capacity for true intimacy. If we suffered from toxic love as children, or if we underwent trauma that's as yet unresolved, internal obstacles stop us from achieving these lofty goals.

     Interestingly, we can often give love better than we can take love from another when we have missed the experience of true nurturing from loving parents. This can be a healing experience, especially when we give love to children and pets because they then give us back unconditional love which can make up for the missing pieces in ourselves.

     Ultimately, to be truly loved and love back, you want to address the unresolved pain and suffering within you, so that you can open the blocked channels that have had to close off as a function of self-protection in survival modes. These served you well when you needed them in the past, but are now as vestigial as our tailbones.

All the best,

Dr. Rita