Two research projects from California and Pennsylvania report the intensely stressful emotional 
and social repercussions of parenthood.Three interesting results have been identified:
1) In 50% of the cases in these studies, marital satisfaction declined after the birth of a first child.
2) Postponing parenthood seems to make no difference in the measure of distress experienced. 
3) When a couple become parents, they seem to automatically and unconsciously revert to traditional  gender-specific roles, even when both work outside the home.
     I have observed similar repercussions. Many couples who enjoyed a highly sexual and loving relationship before the birth of their first baby,find themselves,even two years later, more distant, angry and dissatisfied with marriage and with each other.  Couples who wait until their late 30's to marry and/or have children, seem to suffer similar kinds of consequences. And somehow, no matter how much equality exists before parenthood, women seem to fall into traditional roles where they identify themselves as the primary parent, taking on the major work of child rearing, while men fall into typical breadwinner roles, leaving the child to their wives. 
  
Steven and Jill wed in their late 30's. After two years Paul was born. They had been madly in love and successfully coped with a complicated life including two careers and a large extended family. Jill stopped working for an indefinite period of time during the last tri-mester of her pregnancy. Steven, in an effort to make up for this financial void, increased his work load.  When their baby was born Jill became increasingly angry at Steven for his lack of involvement and help with the baby. Steven thought that what he could use was another pair of hands along with 12 more hours in each day. Jill's attachment to the baby grew inversely to her distancing from her husband.  When he did make attempts to spend time with Paul, Jill always second guessed him and was critical of his approach. Steven in turn, felt more and more inadequate, was reluctant to spend time with his son, and relented only when he could no longer tolerate Jill's nagging. At the same time, Jill's interest in sex perished while Steven's resentment multiplied. As the couple played out their conflicts in two new arenas: sexual dissatisfaction and baby care, love and marriage nearly died.

     When they began working with me, we addressed the issue biggest issue of all. Any time someone is added or subtracted from a family, a crisis ensues. The work of dealing with that crisis is what Steven and Jill had to take on. The normalcy that I described to them regarding the challenge and opportunity for change that their son Paul brought with him, helped to alter their attitude. Instead of thinking she was crazy, Jill realized through our conversations, that Steven was doing the best that he could, albeit not quite what she needed. Simultaneously, Steven began to see how his obsession with work left Jill out in the cold with their baby and that she felt lonely and abandoned by him. They both were willing to address their emotions and behavior, and put several changes in place. Steven agreed to limit his hours of work-focus. Jill agreed to limit her criticisms. Steven agreed to spend more time with his wife and child. Jill agreed to spend less money. Slowly, they each made concessions and began to like each other again.

      Remember, the studies that I quoted earlier were clear that there was a 50/50 chance of failure after parenthood. There is also a 50/50 chance at success.

All the best,
Dr. Rita