Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Imagine if I were to ask you to describe the taste of chocolate or salt. You probably couldn't find enough words to do it justice You'd end up saying, you have to taste it to know it.

     Psychotherapy is a "talking cure" to borrow from Freud, and in of itself this is quite a powerful method of healing. Participating in the process raises your consciousness and you become more proactive in your life.

     In general it would be fair to say that psychotherapy provides a forum in which a person can sift through the debris of his or her symptoms and pain, gain clarity and relief, and experience emotional growth and healing. One of the most challenging aspects of therapy is the "MIRROR EFFECT," the relationship between the psychotherapist and client. You can't observe yourself in solitary confinement. In order to face what really hurts and heal from it, it's essential to have a professional witness to one's life, the crimes that were committed against them from others as well as from themselves. The therapist becomes the mirror that allows the patient to view him or herself with clarity and compassion, where their fear is contained in the relationship. Honesty and courage step front and center. Depending on the duration of the symptoms and pain, Psychotherapy usually takes more than just a few sessions.

     If the pain is the result of a single incident trauma, such as an accident, an illness, a career crisis, or the like, then it is often possible to accomplish a great deal in a brief period of time. Let me give you an example.

     A 25 year old woman came to me a while back who said she hadn't slept in years. I asked her how many years, and she'd said since whe was sixteen. I asked what had happened when she was sixteen. She'd said that her brother's best friend had raped her and that she'd never told anyone about it until now when she told me. We talked about this for a couple of sessions, used EMDR, the Trauma Method that involves eye movement, and soon after she called to tell me that a miracle had happened. She slept. We ended therapy after three sessions.

     Most of the time, problems are connected to our development in our families of origin or with our current relationships, where it takes a little longer to come to similarly successful results. We start and talk, I don't have a magic bullet, I don't give solutions, yet we discover them together as we move one brick at a time from your psychic back. Eventually, self-awareness and insight reaches a higher level and old dysfunctional behavior and beliefs are distabilized, you learn new coping skills, develop goals, create solutions, overcome obstacles that are in the way of leading a happy, contented life.

     The most important factor is to find a therapist that you resonate with. It's a relationship just like any other, and the connection you have with your therapist needs to be one where you feel comfortable and safe. Then, the crucible of your relationship becomes the context in which healing happens.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita

           The bad news is that Willpower is not enough. The good news is that Motivation, Commitment, and courage is all that you need. That's all?

    Let me tell you a personal anecdote. I am an Endomorph. My type, The Endomorph, generally fights the battle of the bulge, loves to eat, and often suffers from an aversion to physical activity. Were I to have had the good luck to have been born an Ectomorph: a person with a thin body, I would enjoy having my cake, eating it and being skinny too. Alternatively, I wouldn't have minded being born a Mesmorph: a person with muscles and an athletic orientation.

     To be healthy, Endomorphs like me need to stay motivated and committed to eat well and move their body on a regular basis. Just today I walked two and a half miles and had a wonderful breakfast of 1 slice of dry wholewheat toast, 2 eggwhites as an omelet, sliced tomatoes and lettuce, and a cup of Orange Zinger Tea. Later in the day I had a salad and a cup of chicken broth. I feel motivated today to be good to myself. Why? Because I believe that building muscles, and losing a little weight will decrease my back pain. Why? Because I have come to that conclusion based on trying everything else to help the chronicity of my back pain.

     However, willpower is not enough. You cannot use your power to will yourself to do something. You have to just put one foot in front of the other and do it. I met a woman in my elevator building the other day who had just returned from a run. She was definitely a mesomorph. We spoke a little and she said, "I'm thrilled that I'm DONE with my exercise. I hate doing it, but I love to be done with it." How do you motivate yourself? I asked her. "I give myself no choice. It's just somehting I do every day like brushing my teeth, washing my face, going to sleep at night. It's what I do." Great advice, I thought.

     Tomorrow is my third day of walking for an hour. I've scheduled it as a 'date' with a good friend. I'm looking forward to it. I'm on a roll.

All the best,

Dr. Rita 

     As one very wise 70 year old physician said to me, regarding his much loved wife who was dying of a rare form of cancer, "I know it's not forever. This is normal. Life ends. It's just so much harder than I expected it to be."

     I ask myself. So, is it normal to die? Yes, I answer.

Is it normal to become ill and suffer? Yes, I answer. Is it normal for things to end? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to have pain? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to be stressed about it, anxious and unhappy? NO. NO. NO.

     Although, perhaps I am wrong. "Normal" means most frequently found among the population, not right or wrong, or good or bad. And most likely, most people are stressed and anxious and afraid when confronted with grave illness and dying.

     I think there is another way. I strive to be more like my physician friend, to learn to be mindfull of whatever comes my way. That means to me that I fully let myself be aware of what it is that is happening to me or to someone that I love. That I let myself feel whatever goes along with that, be it pain, sadness, fear, anger... and just be curious about what those emotions are about. That also means to me that I can also be grateful, curious, joyous as I notice other things that are simultaneously happening - a sunny yellow day, the gorgeous show that white roses, purple geraneums, pink phlox, and brand new spring green shoots of tall grass provide for us at this time of year. Hearing birds loudly chirp, bees drinking their flower nectar as they buzz around a garden, planting tomatoes with the hope of eating red ones next month, watering and fertilizing with organic matter and good intentions. 

     Being in the present moment with whatever life brings our way, without judging, negating, complaining can be a wonderfully freeing experience.

     Another dear friend is very ill with a form of cancer that requires ongoing chemotherapy for the rest of her life, which debilitates her three weeks out of four. she sleeps when she needs to, when her energy doesn't let her get out of her house. But when she can, she pushes herself to paint her wonderful abstracts that still win first place in local art shows, and enjoys the parties to which is always invited to as the charming artist and asset to any gathering along with her loving, supportive, constant husband. She lives a mindfully meditative life too. 

     To cope with these terrible, normal life events take courage and perspicacity, yes of course. But it also takes practice where you can get it. And where you can get it is to meditate mindfully every day. To take time out of your boring, or difficult, or busy life, and just spend 20-30 minutes BEING STILL. The nourishment and skill that is garnered through this practice becomes the fodder for well-being and peace that aids in limiting the anxiety and stress that life's unwanted gifts ultimately present to each of us.

All the best,

Dr. Rita   

     When they began working with me, we addressed the issue biggest issue of all. Any time someone is added or subtracted from a family, a crisis ensues. The work of dealing with that crisis is what Steven and Jill had to take on. The normalcy that I described to them regarding the challenge and opportunity for change that their son Paul brought with him, helped to alter their attitude. Instead of thinking she was crazy, Jill realized through our conversations, that Steven was doing the best that he could, albeit not quite what she needed. Simultaneously, Steven began to see how his obsession with work left Jill out in the cold with their baby and that she felt lonely and abandoned by him. They both were willing to address their emotions and behavior, and put several changes in place. Steven agreed to limit his hours of work-focus. Jill agreed to limit her criticisms. Steven agreed to spend more time with his wife and child. Jill agreed to spend less money. Slowly, they each made concessions and began to like each other again.

      Remember, the studies that I quoted earlier were clear that there was a 50/50 chance of failure after parenthood. There is also a 50/50 chance at success.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

          All addiction, whether to alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, shopping, sex is an attempt to deal with emotional, spiritual or physical pain.

     When separated from, and longing for something real, and necessary to your well-being, and you don't know what it is, or how to get it, than utilizing your substance of choice is a way to deal with torment. You feel sorry for yourself instead of compassionate. General propensity for feeling sorry for yourself is a grand old pity party that leads to partying through addiction.

     Self-pity leads to a desire to numb yourself, rather than be loving and compassionate and kind to yourself.

     You have to ask yourself:

"What is my pain? My fear? My anger?"

"What do I feel separated from?"

"What am I longing for?"

     Learned habits once established become difficult to extinguish even in the face of dramatic, and numerous negative consequences, including the development of a solidly entrenched problematic pattern of addiction, which is repetitive, pleasurable, and reinforcing behavior.

     There exists physiological and psychological components of the behavior pattern than create dependency - despite negative feedback. Poor self-regulatory control appears to be out of control. Reinforcers become very strong. The addictive entity is formed as an integral part of the individual's way of life and coping with a powerful reward system that clouds awareness of problematic consequences related to the behavior, making change difficult or seemingly impossible.

     The interaction of these components in the life of the individual make the behavior resistant to change.

The failure to change despite outward appearance that change would be both possible, and in the best interest of the individual, is considered a cardinal characteristic in defining addiction.

     You need to believe that it must be worthwhile and that the consequences are not. It's called hitting bottom. Meanwhile, you lie to yourself and have poor impulse control.

     Confidence and self-esteem is a natural resource that may have gotten knocked out of you by the past. Give yourself permission to reconnect and own it again.

Compassion and love is your true nature, and your powerful ally, until life taught you to be selfish and self-protective. Give yourself permission to open your heart.

     Healing can happen with:

Laughter, Playfulness, Truth, Kindness, Compassion, Sleep, Passion, Friendship, Curiousity, Gentleness.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

The bride in her strapless, slinky ivory silk. 

The groom by her side in his tux, smug, satisfied,

Walking their first walk along the path by the river.

Two brown horses, one white, canter by with their helmeted young riders chattering and bumping along.

A yellow butterfly loops around the young spring green leaves,

Bugs buzzing, a giant yellowish ochre bumble bee swoops down.

Children laugh, run, calling, "Mommy can I have Chitoes?"

The shiny new husband and wife hold hands, grinning, proud of their win.

Their guests stand holding wine glasses, murmering, waiting for the festivities to begin on the porch of The Valley Green Inn near Philadelphia, Pa.

Blue and yellow pansies smile from their green hanging baskets.

Orange and white Japanese lanterns sway in the gentle warm breeze.

Bikers, walkers, runners, hikers swiftly pass, rushing to Sunday's nowhere, admiring the spring day full with bright light, chirping birds and a wedding.

They start their life today, those two, goals entwined around hopes and dreams.

Just breathe each moment and let it breathe you, I silently urge them,

Hold on to your optimism, and with a full heart accept what life serves up.

Always remember how lucky you are to have today.

To have each other.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Sometimes I think that we women have a genetic pre-disposition to be unkind, albeit we think it's in a nice way, and we either ask for our partner to change, or tell him or her that we are not pleased with their behavior or their look, or the way that they talk, or smile, or their hygiene, or the way that they walk or talk, or the way that they say a particular thing. Or, we SPEAK THE TRUTH. So we tell them that we don't like their mother or sister or child, or that we don't like their behavior, but we're being honest. In a word, we CRITICIZE.

     Interestingly, telling the truth is one of the most misunderstood processes in life. We've been told that one's integrity is tied up in being honest and truthful. In fact, honesty is always the best policy, EXCEPT when it is your way of getting your way or being manipulative, or letting off steam, or wanting your partner to see things from your point of view. This is not about honesty or truth. It's strictly about CRITICIZING. And what does it do for your relationship? It creates toxcisity and strain, and leads to conflict and dire unhappy consequences.

     Even the youngest girls in relationships find themselves telling their boyfriends what to do, in the name of being helpful or honest. They suffer the same consequences. It's a burden which leads to stress.

     I once knew a girl named Debbie who asked me why she was always acting like her boyfriend's mother and trying to improve him and help him so much of the time. She said it always lead to arguements and fights, but it almost seemed as if she couldn't help herself. Once we spoke about it further, she realized that all the women she knew did the same thing with their men. She thought her father was hen-pecked. She knew her grandfather hated her grandmother for being pushy and controlling. Debbie did not want to end up like them.

     She asked me what she should do. She asked me if I ever did that. I admitted that it's been one of my greatest challenges as a woman and that sometimes I just imagine a giant band aid covering my mouth so that I would just stop being mothering which is just a synonym for being controlling and critical, when you're dealing with another adult.

     The next day she brought me a giant 30" band aid that still hangs in my office as a reminder. I love that metaphor. Just keep your damned mouth shut, girl!

     I've seen amazing things change once a woman ceases being critical, controlling, mothering, manipulative, and unnecessarily honest with her partner. It can truly create miracles.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita