There is no problem in getting angry. There is a problem with how we behave when anger automatically takes us from 0-10, where 0 is where we feel ok and 10 is where we are either exploding with rage or withdrawing in fear. Clearly there are two kinds of responses, fight or flight, and two types of people. Those who typically respond to anger and fear through flight and than those who fight. The ones who flee are not any easier to live with than those who fight, because the withdrawal can be like a wall that doesn't let anyone in. To be on the other side of that wall can feel like deathly rejection. Some people oscilate from one of these states to the other.

     One of the hallmarks of the fight or flight response is that it helps us survive during dangerous situations, we therefor experience it as an emergency and a call to action. When the reaction to anger is inappropriate - either violent (hitting, yelling, throwing things, name-calling, biting, pushing, dangerous driving, etc) or complete shutdown (hiding, running away, silence, isolation) when there is no real physical threat, then something is seriuosly wrong. Most likely we are reacting to an event that occurred in our past that has been hidden unerground in our psyche, some kind of trauma from which we have never healed, but that still effects us. Individuals who suffer from inappropriate threat responses suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder,) and experience very low self-confidence and low self-worth.

     Sometimes we don't even know that a trauma has happened to us. That's not as strange as it sounds. As children we are prisoners of war and happenstance in our families. We have to be able to survive childhood, and therefor cope when we experience neglect, abuse, or violence. As youngsters we may not have the adult support to process such difficulties, nor are our inner strengths sufficiently developed. Repression and Denial are important defense mechanisms that aid our ability to regroup and keep moving forward. Forgettig that the traumatic event happened - tucking it away in our unconscious mind, allows us to forget. Yet, even if we don't remember, it still happened and still effects us. Until we are ready to deal with it.

     Meanwhile, let's address the dangerous AER and begin by following these. The Rules of Anger:

Do TALK about how it to someone.

1. It's all right to feel angry, BUT

2. Don't hurt yourself.

3. Don't hurt someone else.

4. Don't injure property.

     Call me so we can work it out, or for questions.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

www.RitaCanHelp.com

     However, in the majority of cases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The single most effective parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. The safety and secure container that parents offer their offspring when they are united in this way, is a powerful buffer and nurturing environment in which children grow and parents thrive.

     In this day and age with me men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Women no longer lead the way, thankfully, in being identified as the parental expert. With the good, comes the challenge. There is more cause for conflict now with two parents and two sets of ideas about what's best for your child.

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power than your child, your child will be less likely to play one of you against the other, and you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Lovingkindness. This is perhaps an even more stunning miracle. When practiced correctly, it provides the salve for all of the friction that marriage and parenting presents.

     Lest you think you're alredy off the hook, there is one more skill I recommend you adopt. The Disciplinje of Consequences. This is the basis of all discipline that is effective, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next. This is where creativity is key.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences they will take you seriously.

Please contact me if you have any further questions.

All the best,
Dr. Rita
www.RitaCanHelp.com

    In comes Avoidance. One of the most effective coping mechanisms that exist. Avoidance allows us to stop thinking about things that are difficult. Stop feeling what hurts. Stop talking about what’s uncomfortable. Not deal when we don't have the skills.
     The consequences of Avoidance, however, go way beyond childhood, in that it can becomesa way of life in dealing with other people even when we grow up, and when there there is no longer anything to fear, as there was during childhood.
    Take for example another client who is extremely passive with his wife, never brings up an issue that bothers him, and in general is usually angry with her, and therefore often acts in a passive-aggressive manner with her. (Passive-Aggressive behavior is when someone does something negative in a sneaky manner and denies his or her responsibility for that behavior.) He is angry because she is the only one who brings up issues, and he feels picked upon. He feels much like he felt as a child with his parents. Yet he avoids telling her how he feels, the anger between them grows, and eventually they end up in divorce court, or if they're lucky, they come to me where I teach them three thing.
     1. When you feel upset, realize that you are an adult now and you can confront people - even your parents.
     2. What you feel upset about is legitimate.
     3. How? Find a way to express what troubles you in a respectful , kind manner.
All the best,
Dr. Rita

     But then again, when I did get those two responses, yes, only two out of 45,000 connections, it made my heart go flippety flap, warm and cozy to think that two people, not just cables or wires, actually took the time to read what I poured out of my heart and took the trouble to respond. Well, it made my eyes wet with joy.

     It kind of reminds me of my son calling me periodically for as long as 18 minutes of just chatting, sharing, getting into each other's busy lives, and I feel so full and happy. Whereas, his normal mode is to just kind of kick my tires periodically - you know, 30 seconds of: how are you, i'm ok too, gotta go now, very busy. Oy! Then I feel kind of empty, hollow, as if I'm standing up, my tires are full, I'm ready to go, but I'm out of gas.

    Not to belabor this metaphor, but the 18 minute conversation reminds me of when my son was seven. A gangly, skinny, gorgeous blond creature who thought I was the center of the universe, loved sitting on my lap while I rocked, hugged him, and covered his little head, neck and shoulders with kisses. Speaking of full. My heart feels like it's about to bust now, as I image this gorgeous memory that a dear friend brought to mind yesterday.

     So back to blogging blocks. The thing of it is that since I have no idea whether anyone, beyond the search engines is even there reading, I don't feel motivated to write just so my tires get kicked. Oy! And I had made a commitment to myself 18 months ago that I'd be one of those weekly bloggers, not just for the glory of maybe being discovered. I hoped that if only one or two percent of those  seventy-two thousand hits would be real people who'd take a couple of minutes our of their insanely overwhelmingly busy days, read and comment on my blog, then I'd be fulfilling some purpose in the grand scheme of things.

     Now, I'm satisfying the performer part of me that needs to get stuff out on paper instead of lying in bed and just thinking. Writing is obviously therapeutic, and this morning I'm feeling freed up some, and I can go back to bed and meditate for a while , stop thinking, and wake up feeling zippy in an hour or so instead of stuffy, exhausted and heavy from angst.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Mothers usually have the knack for reading their baby's mind, interpreting each distinct cry and meeting the need for a hug, a burp, a bottle or a fresh diaper. Around the time when language enters the child's sphere, there begins a stage called "separation-individuation" when the early bond between mother and baby begins to fray, and the child begins its journey into maturation -the mind reading stops too.

     Understandably, we sometimes yearn to be understood the way we were as infants. We once had Camelot, and now have lost it.  Never to be had again. It's called, Life. 

 
     As adults we need to ask for what we want and don't want. This gives us a 50% chance of getting it, and our relationships a 90% chance of success.  

     One of my patients once said, "It doesn't mean anything to me if I have to ask her for it. Why can't she just know what I need?  If she comes with me to a basketball game because she wants to, it means so much more to me than if I ask her. She should just know that I want her to do that."

     His girlfriend Hope responded, "Chris, you make it too hard  for me.  I can't just read your mind. The other day when you said you were going to the game and I said that I'd stay home and catch up on my housework, you got so mad at me and slammed out of the house. If only you'd have asked me to go with you, I think I would have.  I'm happy doing things to please you.  But you have to ask me for what you want."

     People who have unreaslitic expectations, like Chris, are doomed for countless cycles of unhappiness in their relationships. They end up feeling disappointed and resentful without cause. In a sense, their wish to have their mind read is an unwillingness to grow up. Being an adult means that you have to state what you want, what you need, what you would prefer and sometimes it means that you have to negotiate for it, even fight for it. Other people see things differently than we do, respond differently and even value things other than we do. Believing that real love is about being one person, one heart, one mind, sets you up to expect the impossible dream. 

    Part of the confusion arises from the fact that there are times when you truly "know" what would make your partner happy.  Or, you are the kind of person who had to be super-vigilant in your family of origin in order to survive and have developed a sixth sense that allows you to "read" people. That is when some people develop the misconception that love means getting your mind read, and that when it is not then your partner is being unconcerned or withholding.

    So, if you want a healthy and happy relationship, grow up!

All the best,

Dr. Rita  

     The answer lies in the fact that each of us has our own unique point of view, our own set of experiences that color how we see the world and understand what's in it.

     It behooves us to have a system that helps us to communicate more successfully. I call that system:

I-POSITION COOPERATIVE COMMUNICATION

 3. Avoid accusations such as, "the only reason I did that is because you did this to me" and take responsibility for your own behavior.
 Example: "Debbie, I apologize for hurting your feelings.  I was definitely wrong for cursing at you.  My problem is that when I am telling you the truth and you don't trust me, I get mad - especially when I'm being accused of fooling around with other women."
4.  Express your angry feelings in a neutral tone of voice utilizing words that can be heard by the other person as non-threatening, possibly explaining the root of your angry feelings - the underlying emotions of fear, frustration, etc..
 Example: "Zack, the reason I don't trust you is that when I call your office and your secretary tells me you left three hours ago and you were supposed to come home directly, I get scared that you left me.  I have this abandonment worry and I guess I worry that since you're such a great guy you won't always want me."
5.  Honestly listen to what was said to you, suspending judgment, and look at the possibility that you may have contributed to the problem, still using "I" statements. 
 Example:  "You know Debbie, it hurts me so much that you feel so bad about yourself.  I guess I have to remember that it has nothing to do with me. My fault in this thing lies with the fact that I forgot to mention that I was stopping off  to have a drink with my friend Ted."
6.  Declare your perspective on the subject, protecting your self-interest, citing specifics and avoid accusations that allege: "your fault."
 Example:  "From my standpoint Zack, this is exactly the problem in our relationship.  Perhaps my low self-esteem is fed by this kind of occurrence.  To me  it seems insensitive since you normally get home by about seven on Thursday nights.  In the future would you please call me if you are making a change?"

      Although these steps seem tedious, I guarantee that you will find them extremely helpful in moving you from toxicity to intimacy.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

1. Express your feelings using sentences that use the pronoun "I."
 Example: "Zack, I have terrible difficulty accepting the kind of treatment that was hurled at me last night.  When you curse at me, I see red and I feel very hurt and angry."
2. Tell what you would like to happen using "I" sentences.
 Example:  "In the future Zack, I would appreciate it if you would choose your words  more carefully, taking into account how they sound to me."

Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Imagine if I were to ask you to describe the taste of chocolate or salt. You probably couldn't find enough words to do it justice You'd end up saying, you have to taste it to know it.

     Psychotherapy is a "talking cure" to borrow from Freud, and in of itself this is quite a powerful method of healing. Participating in the process raises your consciousness and you become more proactive in your life.

     In general it would be fair to say that psychotherapy provides a forum in which a person can sift through the debris of his or her symptoms and pain, gain clarity and relief, and experience emotional growth and healing. One of the most challenging aspects of therapy is the "MIRROR EFFECT," the relationship between the psychotherapist and client. You can't observe yourself in solitary confinement. In order to face what really hurts and heal from it, it's essential to have a professional witness to one's life, the crimes that were committed against them from others as well as from themselves. The therapist becomes the mirror that allows the patient to view him or herself with clarity and compassion, where their fear is contained in the relationship. Honesty and courage step front and center. Depending on the duration of the symptoms and pain, Psychotherapy usually takes more than just a few sessions.

     If the pain is the result of a single incident trauma, such as an accident, an illness, a career crisis, or the like, then it is often possible to accomplish a great deal in a brief period of time. Let me give you an example.

     A 25 year old woman came to me a while back who said she hadn't slept in years. I asked her how many years, and she'd said since whe was sixteen. I asked what had happened when she was sixteen. She'd said that her brother's best friend had raped her and that she'd never told anyone about it until now when she told me. We talked about this for a couple of sessions, used EMDR, the Trauma Method that involves eye movement, and soon after she called to tell me that a miracle had happened. She slept. We ended therapy after three sessions.

     Most of the time, problems are connected to our development in our families of origin or with our current relationships, where it takes a little longer to come to similarly successful results. We start and talk, I don't have a magic bullet, I don't give solutions, yet we discover them together as we move one brick at a time from your psychic back. Eventually, self-awareness and insight reaches a higher level and old dysfunctional behavior and beliefs are distabilized, you learn new coping skills, develop goals, create solutions, overcome obstacles that are in the way of leading a happy, contented life.

     The most important factor is to find a therapist that you resonate with. It's a relationship just like any other, and the connection you have with your therapist needs to be one where you feel comfortable and safe. Then, the crucible of your relationship becomes the context in which healing happens.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

     When you have an underlying belief that "I'm not worth it," you have a tendency to expect less from yourself and from others. Taking care of yourself, contrary to what a lot of individuals believe, is not a selfish act. "Selfish," as defined in Webster's means, "ONLY thinking of yourself." I'm talking about adding yourself to the list of people you care about. And, insisting that others take you seriously and add you to their list. How? In a variety of ways including, respecting you and your beliefs and needs.
     There is another thing. You have to remember to think of yourself. Does that sound familiar? Somehow when we are focused on taking care of others - of our job, our kids, our partner, husband, wife, parents - we FORGET ABOUT OURSELF. This happened to Rachel, a woman who comes to me for Teletherapy. Her doctor had given her some herbs and probiotics to take each morning on an empty stomach. Somehow though, she forgot almost daily because she was so focused on getting the kids out, or doing some other 'wifely' chore, until she came to realize that she was doing herself harm. We figured out that she could set her alarm thirty minutes early, in order to just take care of herself first. Take her herbs, meditate, dress in semi-liesure. She put her needs on the front-burner and it worked.
     Needs, I say. Having needs is not a dirty word. Needs are a normal part of being human. And being needy is not a curse or an affliction. Perhaps if you are too needy, it's because no one's sufficiently met your needs when you were little If that's the case, then it's time to become your own good parent. Give yourself the love, attention and nurturing that you were cheated of as a kid. Start taking care of yourself and believing that you are worth it, you deserve it, and others will too. It's amazing how our own attitude toward ourself is contageous.
Take care,
All the best,
Dr. Rita