Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a Family Therapist, Psychotherapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting.

     Are there difficult children? You bet! However, in the majority ofcases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The best parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. In this day and age with men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Hey, we wanted our men to have opinions and not just be the providers, right?   

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power. First of all your child will feel secure and safe. Yes, and with that comes a happier child who is more likely to be cooperative.

     In addition, as a team you are more powerful than your child, who will be less likely to play one of you against the other. And as an added bonus you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Consequences. This is the basis of all effective discipline, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. Your child will thrive with your love in the context of clear and fair rules and consequences

     It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences s/he will take you seriously and will reform.

     Next week I'll provide you with some sample cases to clarify the Art of Consequences.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

What: The ability to respond to what someone is saying to you, by maintaining an emotional distance.  This requires the listener to suspend judgment and subdue her resulting inner feelings or response. This is a good thing because it makes the person who is talking to you feel “heard” and “cared about,” and encourages them to keep talking.To use this tool successfully, it is particularly important to learn how to defer your own reactions.

Why: This way of communicating frees your partner to be honest with you and encourages him to reveal himself. Therefore, you can be completely available to be supportive of your partner’s true feelings and concerns.

How: Reflect, mirror, paraphrase, repeat, or summarize what you hear, as opposed to defend or fix. 

 Example:

 He: I’m feeling anxious about dinner with my family.
 She: So you are nervous about next week...
 He: Yeah! You know what a pain in the butt my brother

       can be.
 She: You really have a hard time with him.
 He: I guess I’ll just deal.
 She: You’ll figure it out as it comes at you.
 He: Wow! You’re so great to talk to. You really helped 

       me. I feel better.

When: Whenever someone is talking to you about anything, you can use this skill. Be it your partner, parent, friend, boss, co-worker or child.

Where: No matter where you are you can practice actively listening. But be careful, people will be think you are brilliant, because you give them the world’s greatest gift. In this busy world, few people truly listen, you can be the exception.
 

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     In every marriage - happy or otherwise, a little rain must fall. It can be rather unnerving unless you have a map that will help you predict inclement weather.

    Amazingly, it so happens that there are five predictable issues that every marriage confronts, often from its genesis. Interestingly, one or two of these problems become themes in one's marriage.

    Once you understand the concept that there absolutely no such thing as perfection in life, nor in marriage, you begin to feel more confident that you can manage your relationship as the storms emerge from time to time.

    Here are the Big Five:

IN-LAWS

SEX

MONEY

CLOSENESS/DISTANCE

TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART

IN-LAWS:

Whether you like it or not the chances are excellent that your partner was born into a family, or had been connected to another family prior to having you in their life - as is in the case of divorce, and that some of these family members are alive.

     These in-laws are like baggage or gifts depending on your point of view, and cannot be removed. If your husband has a mother, a sister, an ex-wife or a daughter, you can be sure that there will be times when their presence in your life will create a problem for you, and a conflict between the two of you.

     What to do? Deal with it, accept it, learn to love them, don't get in the middle between them and your partner, nor get in the middle between your partner and them. For a comprehensive explanation of getting in the middle, or MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE, or Triangles, take a look at the article on my website at: www.RitaCanHelp.com

SEX:

Whatever your physical intimacy was like before you were married, it's a certainty that it will change. Will it get better? Or worse?

     Several factors contribute to the weather in your sexual relationship - the most potent is the quality of your emotional connection and the sense of feeling safe and trusting of each other in your marriage.

     When sex is good than it's never an issue, and rarely comes up in discussion. But all too often, when sex is lacking in quality or frequency it becomes an issue that often dwarfs all others.

     What to do? Recognize that it is understandable that sex will change as you become each other's family, and that if you want a better sex life, than deal with your relationship.

     Don't be surprised if one or both of you are unwilling to accept the connection between mind and body. If your mind is in turmoil about your relationship, your body will not be open to the vulnerability that sex requires of us.

More to come...

 All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Ever wonder how relationships seem to get botched up so easily? Sometimes you're up and then before you can say "thunderbolt" you are fighting, crying, ready to walk out and call it quits. You may even notice that there is a pattern to the ups and downs of your relationship, and if I were a betting person, I would bet that there is always a third person, or issue, that sets things off.
     Let me give you an example.
     One of my clients, Jerry, called me because his relationship with his fifteen-year-old daughter cycles between, "Daddy, you're the best!" and "I hate you, I never want to see you again."
     Jerry and I examined the pattern of that cycle and noticed that the trigger to the anger that his daughter spews is connected to his marriage. The last time he and his wife argued over his perception that she was over-spending, and her belief that he was a tight-wad. They had harsh words, there was yelling and door-slamming, and then as he passed her room he saw his daughter crumpled-up in her bed in a fetal position. He felt bad about that, he told me, because he knew that their fighting upset his daughter.
     Soon after he over-heard his wife telling his daughter, "Daddy is cheap as a bank-teller, I sure hope that when you get married you find yourself a sugar-daddy, or else become a lawyer or something so that you're never dependent on a man."
     Let me tell you of another couple.
     Bev and George have been married for about three years and inevitably they fight about his relationship with her sister, whom he dislikes intensely, and makes no bones about. Bev thinks that George should learn to love her sister as much as she does. George thinks his wife’s sister is a parasite, who sucks her sister dry for handouts and a warm shoulder to cry on. They fight over this issue on a weekly basis. It so happens that when they are not fighting, they’re happy and have a fulfilling sexual connection.

     Both Jerry and his wife, and Bev and George are playing “Monkey in The Middle.” They use a third person to take them off track of their relationship. Everyone suffers. Jerry, his wife and his daughter are all miserable. Jerry and his wife are hurting their daughter by turning her into her mother’s confidante. The teenager is being cheated of being able to love both her parents equally, and is angry and depressed. Bev and George could have more consistent peace and contentment if George would be more accepting of his wife’s family, and if Bev would accept the reality that her husband could never feel the same kind of unconditional love and acceptance that she feels for her own sister.
     Both couples are doing something devious and hurtful. By focusing on a third party, they are avoiding the real issues that are strictly between them. For instance, Jerry and his wife allow their dog to sleep between them in their bed. Their sex-life is non-existent and bringing their daughter into the mix and then fighting over her, money and the dog too, is creating a smokescreen that allows them to avoid the mention of the lack of emotional safety that they both feel in their relationship. Bev and George fight over her sister in order to avoid dealing with the stress they both experience because of Bev's recent breast cancer diagnosis

    Take a look at your relationships and see if there are issues that you might be avoiding, or ways that you might be sabotaging your intimate connections. Is there a triangle that keeps showing up? Someone or something you are always fighting about?  It might just be less painful to deal with the real problem.
All the best,
Dr. Rita