If I can tell you one thing that will improve your relationship with your partner or spouse, whether you are gay or straight, regardless of your age and how long you've been together, it is this: DON'T CRITICIZE.

     Sometimes I think that we women have a genetic pre-disposition to be unkind, albeit we think it's in a nice way, and we either ask for our partner to change, or tell him or her that we are not pleased with their behavior or their look, or the way that they talk, or smile, or their hygiene, or the way that they walk or talk, or the way that they say a particular thing. Or, we SPEAK THE TRUTH. So we tell them that we don't like their mother or sister or child, or that we don't like their behavior, but we're being honest. In a word, we CRITICIZE.

     Interestingly, telling the truth is one of the most misunderstood processes in life. We've been told that one's integrity is tied up in being honest and truthful. In fact, honesty is always the best policy, EXCEPT when it is your way of getting your way or being manipulative, or letting off steam, or wanting your partner to see things from your point of view. This is not about honesty or truth. It's strictly about CRITICIZING. And what does it do for your relationship? It creates toxcisity and strain, and leads to conflict and dire unhappy consequences.

     Even the youngest girls in relationships find themselves telling their boyfriends what to do, in the name of being helpful or honest. They suffer the same consequences. It's a burden which leads to stress.

     I once knew a girl named Debbie who asked me why she was always acting like her boyfriend's mother and trying to improve him and help him so much of the time. She said it always lead to arguements and fights, but it almost seemed as if she couldn't help herself. Once we spoke about it further, she realized that all the women she knew did the same thing with their men. She thought her father was hen-pecked. She knew her grandfather hated her grandmother for being pushy and controlling. Debbie did not want to end up like them.

     She asked me what she should do. She asked me if I ever did that. I admitted that it's been one of my greatest challenges as a woman and that sometimes I just imagine a giant band aid covering my mouth so that I would just stop being mothering which is just a synonym for being controlling and critical, when you're dealing with another adult.

     The next day she brought me a giant 30" band aid that still hangs in my office as a reminder. I love that metaphor. Just keep your damned mouth shut, girl!

     I've seen amazing things change once a woman ceases being critical, controlling, mothering, manipulative, and unnecessarily honest with her partner. It can truly create miracles.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

 Some people say that self-confidence is something you either have or are born without. Others believe that environmental factors in your childhood contribute to the formation of your self-esteem. Everyone agrees, however, that the most successful people are always self-confident. Maybe they're shy, perhaps they even suffer from emotional issues that are worse than yours, but they exude confidence.

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     In every marriage - happy or otherwise, a little rain must fall. It can be rather unnerving unless you have a map that will help you predict inclement weather.

    Amazingly, it so happens that there are five predictable issues that every marriage confronts, often from its genesis. Interestingly, one or two of these problems become themes in one's marriage.

    Once you understand the concept that there absolutely no such thing as perfection in life, nor in marriage, you begin to feel more confident that you can manage your relationship as the storms emerge from time to time.

    Here are the Big Five:

IN-LAWS

SEX

MONEY

CLOSENESS/DISTANCE

TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART

IN-LAWS:

Whether you like it or not the chances are excellent that your partner was born into a family, or had been connected to another family prior to having you in their life - as is in the case of divorce, and that some of these family members are alive.

     These in-laws are like baggage or gifts depending on your point of view, and cannot be removed. If your husband has a mother, a sister, an ex-wife or a daughter, you can be sure that there will be times when their presence in your life will create a problem for you, and a conflict between the two of you.

     What to do? Deal with it, accept it, learn to love them, don't get in the middle between them and your partner, nor get in the middle between your partner and them. For a comprehensive explanation of getting in the middle, or MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE, or Triangles, take a look at the article on my website at: www.RitaCanHelp.com

SEX:

Whatever your physical intimacy was like before you were married, it's a certainty that it will change. Will it get better? Or worse?

     Several factors contribute to the weather in your sexual relationship - the most potent is the quality of your emotional connection and the sense of feeling safe and trusting of each other in your marriage.

     When sex is good than it's never an issue, and rarely comes up in discussion. But all too often, when sex is lacking in quality or frequency it becomes an issue that often dwarfs all others.

     What to do? Recognize that it is understandable that sex will change as you become each other's family, and that if you want a better sex life, than deal with your relationship.

     Don't be surprised if one or both of you are unwilling to accept the connection between mind and body. If your mind is in turmoil about your relationship, your body will not be open to the vulnerability that sex requires of us.

More to come...

 All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Life is difficult in between the happy times. Sometimes we feel angry and it scares us when the feeling is overwhelming or too powerful. This emotion lies within each of us, and yet is badly misunderstood. The cause of anger is fear, frustration, jealousy, impatience, judgment, intolerance, to name just a few, and is antithetical to love and compassion. Rage is a way of controlling others when you cannot control yourself. Though it is not healthy to to let anger fester, as it can be the root of suffering, sometimes it shows up on our radar screen, and we have to find ways to manage it, make wise choices, we can melt it away. Anger can be a healthy feeling that gives us information, just like any other emotion that finds itself into our mind/body, we let awareness be aware.

     The Rules of Anger are useful to keep in mind:
1. don't hurt others
2. don't hurt yourself
3. don't hurt property
4. DO talk about it or write about it. 
     Begin by allowing yourself to become aware of the anger as you are sitting in a safe place. Notice how you feel inside? Head? Tummy? Hands? 
     Anger, like fear, is a survival mechanism which helps the body to ready into the fight or flight response when a threat is perceived. The body releases hormones into the blood stream as preparation. The brain gets  messages that make our body aware of our emotional state, that trigger certain thoughts, that effect how we feel, and helps us to decide how to react.
     When anger happens:
1. The good old-fashioned trick of counting to ten still works best.
2. Think of a phrase that helps to calm you and lets you think through what the anger data is offering, and what are some choices of behavior open to you.
3. A mantra I like is to label the anger "feeling" and to label the thoughts "thinking" and to anchor yourself in the sound around you and/or the breath. This often has the effect of melting the anger without actually TRYING to get rid of it, which doesn't work anyway.

    Dirty anger is: kicking doors, punching others, pushing people, screaming
    Clean anger is: pushing wall, door frame, pillow, jogging, writing, crying, tearing old newspaper, walking, talking about it, telling what you'd really like, asking for support.
    TOOL: Imagine a thermometer that begins in your groin at 0 and ends in your mouth at 10 when you are completely out of control and yelling, cursing, crying, vomiting rage on others. Take a deep breath and locate the number of your anger in your body. Ideally, notice when the anger first starts to visit you at 1 or 2, but that takes practice. When anger reaches 8, 9 or 10, you are completely out of control. In the beginning, locate the anger at 4,5 or 6. Notice where you experience the heat of your anger, what your thoughts are, and using the anger as data ask yourself:

What I need to help myself...    
I feel ....
when...
because...
I would like...

     Healing, cooling words that your friends and family can offer you are:
sounds like or you seem angry...
tell me more...
let's talk about it...
let me help you solve the problem.

     Life offers us countless opportunities to be human. Awareness is the key, it opens the door to a myriad of choices in behavior.

All the best,
Dr. Rita

     In much the same way your feelings are pure data, and are based on your perception of either external or internal stimuli.  Information - no more, no less, that once presented to you can be used to make intelligent choices.  For example, walking on a quiet country lane a ferocious-looking dog barked loudly a few hundred feet ahead of me and my immediate response was to feel fear.  It so happens that my son was once bitten by a German Shepherd, and I have a particular distrust of large, loud canines sinced then.  The fear was my data which was based on my perception that I was in danger. This information could then be utilized to make choices such as, walking the other way. 
      The emotion I perceived, the fear, was a useful piece of information for me. It was neither  good nor bad, just data that assisted me in making sense out of my environment. The first order of business was to identify my internal experience. By giving my feeling a label, fear, I was then enabled to understand my physiological reaction (the "fight or flight" response which usually manifests with dry mouth, speeding heartbeat and the desire to fight or run away. This led to my ability to connect to a previous experience (the memory from my son's childhood), and once reached I could make sense of the situation I was in (the dog could harm me,) and was subsequently aware of what action steps were available to me (I could walk the other way or pick up a stick to fight if necessary,) which then allowed me to make my choice (which was to quickly walk away.)

     In order to make sense of one's feelings it first essential to know what they are, and most of us come out of family environments  devoid of that skill. But hope springs eternal. It can be learned.    

    The following is a partial catalogue of feelings and emotions to help you identify and accept yours. Many years ago Dr. Vernon Sharpe shared a form of this list with me, and I would like to share it with you.

ANGER: "fly off the handle," seething, furious, boiling, burned up, bitter, enraged, infuriated, sore, fuming, flaming, fiery, fierce, ticked off, pissed off, volcanic, "hot under the collar," bored
HOSTILE: hateful,destructive, ugly, wicked, repugnant,mean, deceitful, spiteful, antagonistic, terrible, bad, cruel, horrible, sneaky

GUILTY: worthless, crappie, blame yourself, defensive, censurable, blameworthy, derelict, culpable,
down on yourself, at fault

PANICKED: overwhelmed, petrified, precarious, frantic, distraught, hysterical, agitated,  fearful, terrified, frightened, startled, in a tizzy, shook up, out of my mind, distressed,
out of contact, shocked, numb, trembling, gone haywire, nuts, out of it, shrinking, shuddering stampeded

WITHDRAWN: isolated, want to crawl in a hole, aloof, distant, solitary, bashful, wanna run away, unsociable, detached, wanna sulk, bored, wanna split,want to pout, want to disappear, reclusive

ANXIOUS: scared, worried, nervous, frightened, tense, obsessed, panicky, pressured, vulnerable, helpless, apprehensive, hopeless, bored, stewing, prying on your mind, unstrung.

     Isn't it amazing how many types of feelings exist? Be on the lookout for yours, and just label one when it hits you over the head with a two-by-four. This is the second step. Lesson #3 is soon to follow.

All the best,

Dr. Rita