The bride in her strapless, slinky ivory silk. 

The groom by her side in his tux, smug, satisfied,

Walking their first walk along the path by the river.

Two brown horses, one white, canter by with their helmeted young riders chattering and bumping along.

A yellow butterfly loops around the young spring green leaves,

Bugs buzzing, a giant yellowish ochre bumble bee swoops down.

Children laugh, run, calling, "Mommy can I have Chitoes?"

The shiny new husband and wife hold hands, grinning, proud of their win.

Their guests stand holding wine glasses, murmering, waiting for the festivities to begin on the porch of The Valley Green Inn near Philadelphia, Pa.

Blue and yellow pansies smile from their green hanging baskets.

Orange and white Japanese lanterns sway in the gentle warm breeze.

Bikers, walkers, runners, hikers swiftly pass, rushing to Sunday's nowhere, admiring the spring day full with bright light, chirping birds and a wedding.

They start their life today, those two, goals entwined around hopes and dreams.

Just breathe each moment and let it breathe you, I silently urge them,

Hold on to your optimism, and with a full heart accept what life serves up.

Always remember how lucky you are to have today.

To have each other.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

      Red hearts and Valentine's Day is inspiring me to write about love. When I think about what makes the world go around, and life worthwhile, there's nothing more important than love. There are many different kinds of love besides romantic and sexual love, all of which are based on a deep connection based on friendship, compassion and caring.

     The foundation of love rests in our own core. The love and friendship we have with ourself. All too often we are self-critical and even hate ourselves. We were meant to love ourselves, and do so as infants, but negative experiences during childhood in our families of origin and in society often lead us to be self-judgmental and even abusive and self-punitive. We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated by others, and in turn as adults, treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we learn to be more compassionate and kind toward ourselves, we become more friendly to everyone that we come into contact with, and toward people we don't know as well. This opens the window to fully enjoying love potential.

     The love we have for our mother (usually the nurturing parent) and later our father makes the world go around for us as little people. We are madly in love with our parents as children, and if we are very lucky they with us. Remember all those Valentine Day cards you sent your parents and grandparents? How the world seemed shiny when you were sitting on their lap and basking in their love for you and for each other? These experiences built your sense of trust, hope, and self-acceptance which made love and kisses the salve for any hurt you felt. At least until adolescence.

     Although nothing is as satisfying and as happiness-provoking as love, we human beings have a way of making it the source of much unhappiness and pain. Especially when it comes to Romantic love, which we most want, we tend to imbue with far too many expectations, that unfortunately often go unmet.

     Adult romantic love gives us a second chance at the gorgeous intimacy we experienced as infants with our mothers, or that which we were missing and dreamed about. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having romantic love, yet there are two reasons that it so often goes sour so quickly. In the early stages of romance we see each other through rose-colored glasses and passion is high because early love is like a drug. Often we are driven by our gonads to decide on a partner, and leave our minds at home. In addition, our maturity level dictates our capacity for true intimacy. If we suffered from toxic love as children, or if we underwent trauma that's as yet unresolved, internal obstacles stop us from achieving these lofty goals.

     Interestingly, we can often give love better than we can take love from another when we have missed the experience of true nurturing from loving parents. This can be a healing experience, especially when we give love to children and pets because they then give us back unconditional love which can make up for the missing pieces in ourselves.

     Ultimately, to be truly loved and love back, you want to address the unresolved pain and suffering within you, so that you can open the blocked channels that have had to close off as a function of self-protection in survival modes. These served you well when you needed them in the past, but are now as vestigial as our tailbones.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Stuff happens. What starts out as starry skies and holding hands at midnight, sometimes turns into sour grapes. Not too unusual is a situation like this: You fall in-love with Mr. or Ms. Right, the wedding is fabulous, the children are amazing - parenthood is the most fun you ever had, but the pink haze of couplehood and happiness is gone after just a few years of distraction, hard work and life stressors. There is no dirth of stress for any of us. If it's not the economy or taxes or loans, it's illness or business. It's hard to find time to make yourself happy, let alone to feed and nurture your marriage which needs as much as care to survive as any other living, breathing thing. Most of us neglect our marriages nearly as much as we neglect ourselves. What to do?

     Janice was in just such a mess. Arfter fifteen years, the fun was gone. The children and the big career just weren't enough for her to feel fulfilled. Not only that, but she was exhausted. Not from the job, but from what felt like hard work that never amounted to much in the marriage.

    In working with Janice we quickly realized that there was not enough quality of life for Janice as a person, as a woman, as an individual. When I asked her what made her happy that didn't have anything to do with the children or her work, she was stumped. When I asked her what she liked about herself, she was equally baffled. "For certain," she said "I don't like myself as a wife, all I do is karp at him, because he's always criticizing me, raging at me, and I can't stop making hate-lists in my head." 

     I asked Janice to come up with five things she likes about herself that are only about her. With a lot of prodding and brain-storming we came up with this list:

1. I like that I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to give myself this therapy.

2. I like that I work out three days a week, even though I could be spending the time cleaning closets.

3. I'm happy with myself that I stay connected to my mother, my sister and my close friends. I take the time to make phone calls to the women in my life.

4. I'm happy that I keep a journal - it keeps me sane and connected to reality.

5. I enjoy the fact that I give myself the pleasure of a bath once a week.

     This short list was very difficult for Janice. However, she was really proud of herself for having been able to come up with it at all.

     When I asked her to come up with five things she liked about her marriage, she thought I was hilarious. She ended up with a homework assignment we decided would be useful, that she would give her husband five compliments in the coming week.

     The reason this is important, is that it's a way to shift the emphasis from a negative mind set about the marriage, to one that has more mercy and gentleness. What we think and what we tell ourselves influences our attitude, as well as the outcome. When Janice began to think more positively about her husband, and actually validated him for the good things that he did, things got better. Not only did she perceive them as better, but he was inclined to feel more positively about her and about the marriage, and lived up to her expectations of him. With that, there was room for the relationship to begin moving on a new axel.  

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     During my recent recovery from spinal surgery, it has been my great pleasure and good fortune to have received beautiful healing energy from the many "angels" in my life: my friends, loved ones, family members, colleagues and patients.

     Life offers us plenty of pain to deal with - both physical and emotional. At the same time, we can also be open and grateful to the pleasure which balances out life.

     Bellruth Naperstack has a really good healing CD called SURGERY. This was the second time that I utilized it to assist me in recovery from this difficult process - a traumatic assault on the body, and as a result I have to admit that I'm a wonderful healer. 

     At one point in the imagery, Naperstack invites the listener to look for the loving people - both from the present and the past, who circle and support during and after the procedure. It suddenly came to me as I was listening that these were my "angels" and as I looked around me in the imagery and "saw" the doctors and nurses taking care of me, my angels materialized as well, and I was blown away with love and tears as I realized how lucky I am to have so many people to love. There were my amazing husband, fabulous children and grandchildren, many special caring friends, cousins, nieces, nephews, supportive colleagues and patients, from near and far, and even here and there an angel that I've lost to death - my parents, my loving sister Nina, aunts, uncles, my dear friend Shelly. Love heals from every direction.

     Throughout the last few weeks, my angels have been calling, visiting, sending cards, flowers and books. I feel overflowing with gratitude and love for life. My husband, my best friend, shops, cooks, moves furniture, shlepps packages, bends to pick up stuff, and offers a full heart and an open ear whenever I need it. I'm so very lucky.

     I don't know what I have done to deserve all of this bounty. I know that friends don't grow on trees, and hope that I am half as good of a friend when opportunities arise for me to give of myself as others have to me. I care about people. I believe that love is the best sugar. I look to sprinkle it around generously and often. The bitter taste of pain is clearly ameliorated by the sweetness of friendship and caring.

     Did you know that friendships and social connections increase your life expectancy? If you connect with people at least five times a week, your body and your psyche will thank you. As humans we thrive in social environments, in community, and although we live in little boxes alone or with one or two other people, the extended family concept can be expanded, and isolation needs to be upended, in order to be healthier and happier.

All the best,

Dr. Rita