As babies we had the luxury of having our minds read by our parents, usually Mommy. This was a wonderful feeling, that there was someone in the world who would meet our every desire with only a cry or a grunt.   

     Mothers usually have the knack for reading their baby's mind, interpreting each distinct cry and meeting the need for a hug, a burp, a bottle or a fresh diaper. Around the time when language enters the child's sphere, there begins a stage called "separation-individuation" when the early bond between mother and baby begins to fray, and the child begins its journey into maturation -the mind reading stops too.

     Understandably, we sometimes yearn to be understood the way we were as infants. We once had Camelot, and now have lost it.  Never to be had again. It's called, Life. 

 
     As adults we need to ask for what we want and don't want. This gives us a 50% chance of getting it, and our relationships a 90% chance of success.  

     One of my patients once said, "It doesn't mean anything to me if I have to ask her for it. Why can't she just know what I need?  If she comes with me to a basketball game because she wants to, it means so much more to me than if I ask her. She should just know that I want her to do that."

     His girlfriend Hope responded, "Chris, you make it too hard  for me.  I can't just read your mind. The other day when you said you were going to the game and I said that I'd stay home and catch up on my housework, you got so mad at me and slammed out of the house. If only you'd have asked me to go with you, I think I would have.  I'm happy doing things to please you.  But you have to ask me for what you want."

     People who have unreaslitic expectations, like Chris, are doomed for countless cycles of unhappiness in their relationships. They end up feeling disappointed and resentful without cause. In a sense, their wish to have their mind read is an unwillingness to grow up. Being an adult means that you have to state what you want, what you need, what you would prefer and sometimes it means that you have to negotiate for it, even fight for it. Other people see things differently than we do, respond differently and even value things other than we do. Believing that real love is about being one person, one heart, one mind, sets you up to expect the impossible dream. 

    Part of the confusion arises from the fact that there are times when you truly "know" what would make your partner happy.  Or, you are the kind of person who had to be super-vigilant in your family of origin in order to survive and have developed a sixth sense that allows you to "read" people. That is when some people develop the misconception that love means getting your mind read, and that when it is not then your partner is being unconcerned or withholding.

    So, if you want a healthy and happy relationship, grow up!

All the best,

Dr. Rita  

     Intimacy doesn't just happen. As much as we all would like to have a best friend, a lover, a partner, we have to first go through the six stages on the highway of connection toward every kind of meaningful relationship.
Stranger: a person you just met recently, have not spent much time with and don't know very well.
Acquaintance: a person you know casually, most likely through other friends, or possibly from work.
Buddy: a person you know superficially and spend time with when mutually convenient but not necessarily because of mutual caring. This is someone from the office that you might go out with after work, or a buddy with whom you would go to meet other people, or someone you are in the process of getting to know better.
Companion:  a casual friend with whom you have a low level of commitment, and with whom you spend time doing particular activities, which are sometimes more important to you then the person himself. This could be a tennis partner, a shopping companion, a skiing buddy or for some people even a sex partner. This could also be someone who is on the way to becoming a real friend.

Friend: a person with whom you associate for the purpose of mutual support and enjoyment. Someone you regard highly and for whom you have affection and respect, which is reciprocated. This person is more important then the activity which you may share.

Intimate: a person with whom you have a loving, caring friendship and who has proven herself to have your best interest in mind. Someone you can trust with your inner most vulnerable self and who you know will be there tomorrow for you if they can be.
    May I suggest an experiment that I think you'll find revealing. Take a pencil and write your name in the center of the page. Draw concentric circles around your name, something that looks like the planets and their distance from the sun. Now, plot the names of your friends on the various circles moving away from you indicating the degree of intimacy that exists between you and that person.

     You may notice that once you begin to think about where to place a certain person in your life, you will take into consideration how close you feel to that person, how good a friend that person is to you, how much you value your relationship with that person, and how much that person contributes to your life.

     One of my clients, Roseanne, conducted this experiment and concluded that some of the people who she thought were her friends, were actually acquaintances and buddys. Previously, she would occasionally feel bad about a friend who  let her down. Now she realized that her expectations towards a particular friend needed to be congruent with the level of their friendship. As a consequence, Rusty had fewer expectations of most of her friends and began to appreciate those who were her close friends and intimates more then ever before. What's more, she modified her own behavior towards those people in her life who were not friends or intimates. 

     When you are looking for a friend, someone special, you can look to move someone to a closer circle. And when you think you've found someone remember that s/he begins as a stranger. Make certain that s/he goes through the hoops before you make them into an intimate. It takes time. There are no shortcuts. You'll be glad you did.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

The bride in her strapless, slinky ivory silk. 

The groom by her side in his tux, smug, satisfied,

Walking their first walk along the path by the river.

Two brown horses, one white, canter by with their helmeted young riders chattering and bumping along.

A yellow butterfly loops around the young spring green leaves,

Bugs buzzing, a giant yellowish ochre bumble bee swoops down.

Children laugh, run, calling, "Mommy can I have Chitoes?"

The shiny new husband and wife hold hands, grinning, proud of their win.

Their guests stand holding wine glasses, murmering, waiting for the festivities to begin on the porch of The Valley Green Inn near Philadelphia, Pa.

Blue and yellow pansies smile from their green hanging baskets.

Orange and white Japanese lanterns sway in the gentle warm breeze.

Bikers, walkers, runners, hikers swiftly pass, rushing to Sunday's nowhere, admiring the spring day full with bright light, chirping birds and a wedding.

They start their life today, those two, goals entwined around hopes and dreams.

Just breathe each moment and let it breathe you, I silently urge them,

Hold on to your optimism, and with a full heart accept what life serves up.

Always remember how lucky you are to have today.

To have each other.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     If I can tell you one thing that will improve your relationship with your partner or spouse, whether you are gay or straight, regardless of your age and how long you've been together, it is this: DON'T CRITICIZE.

     Sometimes I think that we women have a genetic pre-disposition to be unkind, albeit we think it's in a nice way, and we either ask for our partner to change, or tell him or her that we are not pleased with their behavior or their look, or the way that they talk, or smile, or their hygiene, or the way that they walk or talk, or the way that they say a particular thing. Or, we SPEAK THE TRUTH. So we tell them that we don't like their mother or sister or child, or that we don't like their behavior, but we're being honest. In a word, we CRITICIZE.

     Interestingly, telling the truth is one of the most misunderstood processes in life. We've been told that one's integrity is tied up in being honest and truthful. In fact, honesty is always the best policy, EXCEPT when it is your way of getting your way or being manipulative, or letting off steam, or wanting your partner to see things from your point of view. This is not about honesty or truth. It's strictly about CRITICIZING. And what does it do for your relationship? It creates toxcisity and strain, and leads to conflict and dire unhappy consequences.

     Even the youngest girls in relationships find themselves telling their boyfriends what to do, in the name of being helpful or honest. They suffer the same consequences. It's a burden which leads to stress.

     I once knew a girl named Debbie who asked me why she was always acting like her boyfriend's mother and trying to improve him and help him so much of the time. She said it always lead to arguements and fights, but it almost seemed as if she couldn't help herself. Once we spoke about it further, she realized that all the women she knew did the same thing with their men. She thought her father was hen-pecked. She knew her grandfather hated her grandmother for being pushy and controlling. Debbie did not want to end up like them.

     She asked me what she should do. She asked me if I ever did that. I admitted that it's been one of my greatest challenges as a woman and that sometimes I just imagine a giant band aid covering my mouth so that I would just stop being mothering which is just a synonym for being controlling and critical, when you're dealing with another adult.

     The next day she brought me a giant 30" band aid that still hangs in my office as a reminder. I love that metaphor. Just keep your damned mouth shut, girl!

     I've seen amazing things change once a woman ceases being critical, controlling, mothering, manipulative, and unnecessarily honest with her partner. It can truly create miracles.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Stuff happens. What starts out as starry skies and holding hands at midnight, sometimes turns into sour grapes. Not too unusual is a situation like this: You fall in-love with Mr. or Ms. Right, the wedding is fabulous, the children are amazing - parenthood is the most fun you ever had, but the pink haze of couplehood and happiness is gone after just a few years of distraction, hard work and life stressors. There is no dirth of stress for any of us. If it's not the economy or taxes or loans, it's illness or business. It's hard to find time to make yourself happy, let alone to feed and nurture your marriage which needs as much as care to survive as any other living, breathing thing. Most of us neglect our marriages nearly as much as we neglect ourselves. What to do?

     Janice was in just such a mess. Arfter fifteen years, the fun was gone. The children and the big career just weren't enough for her to feel fulfilled. Not only that, but she was exhausted. Not from the job, but from what felt like hard work that never amounted to much in the marriage.

    In working with Janice we quickly realized that there was not enough quality of life for Janice as a person, as a woman, as an individual. When I asked her what made her happy that didn't have anything to do with the children or her work, she was stumped. When I asked her what she liked about herself, she was equally baffled. "For certain," she said "I don't like myself as a wife, all I do is karp at him, because he's always criticizing me, raging at me, and I can't stop making hate-lists in my head." 

     I asked Janice to come up with five things she likes about herself that are only about her. With a lot of prodding and brain-storming we came up with this list:

1. I like that I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to give myself this therapy.

2. I like that I work out three days a week, even though I could be spending the time cleaning closets.

3. I'm happy with myself that I stay connected to my mother, my sister and my close friends. I take the time to make phone calls to the women in my life.

4. I'm happy that I keep a journal - it keeps me sane and connected to reality.

5. I enjoy the fact that I give myself the pleasure of a bath once a week.

     This short list was very difficult for Janice. However, she was really proud of herself for having been able to come up with it at all.

     When I asked her to come up with five things she liked about her marriage, she thought I was hilarious. She ended up with a homework assignment we decided would be useful, that she would give her husband five compliments in the coming week.

     The reason this is important, is that it's a way to shift the emphasis from a negative mind set about the marriage, to one that has more mercy and gentleness. What we think and what we tell ourselves influences our attitude, as well as the outcome. When Janice began to think more positively about her husband, and actually validated him for the good things that he did, things got better. Not only did she perceive them as better, but he was inclined to feel more positively about her and about the marriage, and lived up to her expectations of him. With that, there was room for the relationship to begin moving on a new axel.  

All the best,

Dr. Rita