Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a Family Therapist, Psychotherapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting.

     Are there difficult children? You bet! However, in the majority ofcases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The best parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. In this day and age with men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Hey, we wanted our men to have opinions and not just be the providers, right?   

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power. First of all your child will feel secure and safe. Yes, and with that comes a happier child who is more likely to be cooperative.

     In addition, as a team you are more powerful than your child, who will be less likely to play one of you against the other. And as an added bonus you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Consequences. This is the basis of all effective discipline, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. Your child will thrive with your love in the context of clear and fair rules and consequences

     It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences s/he will take you seriously and will reform.

     Next week I'll provide you with some sample cases to clarify the Art of Consequences.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     As we continue to explore the facets of marriage that can cause difficulty, don't be surprised if you recognize the pattern of issues that continually pop up in your relationship. The thing about these recurring issues is that they never seem to get totally resolved when they are your hot spots. They will surprise you as they reappear from time to time. But if you remember that every couple encounters at least one or two of these throughout their relationship, usually even before marriage, perhaps you'll be more accepting of this phenomenon and better able to cope.

     Last week I spoke to IN-LAWS and SEX. Today,

 MONEY:

     Most people are more comfortable discussing their sex life than their bank account.What is it about how much money we have, or how we choose to spend or save it, that raises our anxiety level? Ask a person how much money s/he earns and in most cultures s/he’ll decide you are a rude dweed.

     Money is one of the most powerful elements in our social structure, yet also has some weighty emotional ramifications that are both positive and negative. Depending on our cultural background, we associate money with security, freedom, control, power, love, self-esteem, embarrassment, dependency, and happiness.

     Each family has its own unique history and meaning related to money. Growing up in your family has instilled in you an entire set of attitudes and beliefs about the significance of money. In some families

money is for saving, in others it is for fighting, or winning, or hoping, or worrying, or for keeping secret. Whatever your conditioning has been, this

transmission has induced you to either imitate your parents’ attitude (if you are a compliant type) or to go completely the opposite way (if you are rebellious.)

     No wonder money can be such a hot spot for couples. Just the factor of coming from two different families, from two different points of view, even from two different genders or cultures can imbue a relationship with potential conflict.

     Next time we'll examine CLOSENESS/DISTANCE and TIME TOGETHER/TIME APART. Two juicy and complex hot spots.

   Meanwhile, I wish you a wonderful week.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

      Red hearts and Valentine's Day is inspiring me to write about love. When I think about what makes the world go around, and life worthwhile, there's nothing more important than love. There are many different kinds of love besides romantic and sexual love, all of which are based on a deep connection based on friendship, compassion and caring.

     The foundation of love rests in our own core. The love and friendship we have with ourself. All too often we are self-critical and even hate ourselves. We were meant to love ourselves, and do so as infants, but negative experiences during childhood in our families of origin and in society often lead us to be self-judgmental and even abusive and self-punitive. We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated by others, and in turn as adults, treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we learn to be more compassionate and kind toward ourselves, we become more friendly to everyone that we come into contact with, and toward people we don't know as well. This opens the window to fully enjoying love potential.

     The love we have for our mother (usually the nurturing parent) and later our father makes the world go around for us as little people. We are madly in love with our parents as children, and if we are very lucky they with us. Remember all those Valentine Day cards you sent your parents and grandparents? How the world seemed shiny when you were sitting on their lap and basking in their love for you and for each other? These experiences built your sense of trust, hope, and self-acceptance which made love and kisses the salve for any hurt you felt. At least until adolescence.

     Although nothing is as satisfying and as happiness-provoking as love, we human beings have a way of making it the source of much unhappiness and pain. Especially when it comes to Romantic love, which we most want, we tend to imbue with far too many expectations, that unfortunately often go unmet.

     Adult romantic love gives us a second chance at the gorgeous intimacy we experienced as infants with our mothers, or that which we were missing and dreamed about. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having romantic love, yet there are two reasons that it so often goes sour so quickly. In the early stages of romance we see each other through rose-colored glasses and passion is high because early love is like a drug. Often we are driven by our gonads to decide on a partner, and leave our minds at home. In addition, our maturity level dictates our capacity for true intimacy. If we suffered from toxic love as children, or if we underwent trauma that's as yet unresolved, internal obstacles stop us from achieving these lofty goals.

     Interestingly, we can often give love better than we can take love from another when we have missed the experience of true nurturing from loving parents. This can be a healing experience, especially when we give love to children and pets because they then give us back unconditional love which can make up for the missing pieces in ourselves.

     Ultimately, to be truly loved and love back, you want to address the unresolved pain and suffering within you, so that you can open the blocked channels that have had to close off as a function of self-protection in survival modes. These served you well when you needed them in the past, but are now as vestigial as our tailbones.

All the best,

Dr. Rita