Why is it that so many friends are undergoing life-altering illness and a close relationship with death and dying?

     As one very wise 70 year old physician said to me, regarding his much loved wife who was dying of a rare form of cancer, "I know it's not forever. This is normal. Life ends. It's just so much harder than I expected it to be."

     I ask myself. So, is it normal to die? Yes, I answer.

Is it normal to become ill and suffer? Yes, I answer. Is it normal for things to end? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to have pain? Yes, I answer. Is it normal to be stressed about it, anxious and unhappy? NO. NO. NO.

     Although, perhaps I am wrong. "Normal" means most frequently found among the population, not right or wrong, or good or bad. And most likely, most people are stressed and anxious and afraid when confronted with grave illness and dying.

     I think there is another way. I strive to be more like my physician friend, to learn to be mindfull of whatever comes my way. That means to me that I fully let myself be aware of what it is that is happening to me or to someone that I love. That I let myself feel whatever goes along with that, be it pain, sadness, fear, anger... and just be curious about what those emotions are about. That also means to me that I can also be grateful, curious, joyous as I notice other things that are simultaneously happening - a sunny yellow day, the gorgeous show that white roses, purple geraneums, pink phlox, and brand new spring green shoots of tall grass provide for us at this time of year. Hearing birds loudly chirp, bees drinking their flower nectar as they buzz around a garden, planting tomatoes with the hope of eating red ones next month, watering and fertilizing with organic matter and good intentions. 

     Being in the present moment with whatever life brings our way, without judging, negating, complaining can be a wonderfully freeing experience.

     Another dear friend is very ill with a form of cancer that requires ongoing chemotherapy for the rest of her life, which debilitates her three weeks out of four. she sleeps when she needs to, when her energy doesn't let her get out of her house. But when she can, she pushes herself to paint her wonderful abstracts that still win first place in local art shows, and enjoys the parties to which is always invited to as the charming artist and asset to any gathering along with her loving, supportive, constant husband. She lives a mindfully meditative life too. 

     To cope with these terrible, normal life events take courage and perspicacity, yes of course. But it also takes practice where you can get it. And where you can get it is to meditate mindfully every day. To take time out of your boring, or difficult, or busy life, and just spend 20-30 minutes BEING STILL. The nourishment and skill that is garnered through this practice becomes the fodder for well-being and peace that aids in limiting the anxiety and stress that life's unwanted gifts ultimately present to each of us.

All the best,

Dr. Rita   

 Some people say that self-confidence is something you either have or are born without. Others believe that environmental factors in your childhood contribute to the formation of your self-esteem. Everyone agrees, however, that the most successful people are always self-confident. Maybe they're shy, perhaps they even suffer from emotional issues that are worse than yours, but they exude confidence.

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama was astounded when an American asked him how to deal with low self-esteem. His Holiness didn't even understand what that meant. Apparently it took quite a lengthy discussion for this brilliant, wise man to comprehend this deficit that apprently does not exist among his people nor in any of the people he'd encountered up until that point.

So, apparently, we Americans have somehow cornered the market on low self-confidence. It is more natural to have confidence, than not. Isn't that exciting? Therefor, all you need is learn a few helpful techniques, and maybe work with a coach or a psychotherapist for a little while to build yours to the natural levels it was designed to have.

There are several confidence-building skills that I'd like to share with you.

The most important skill is not even a technique, but a state of mind.

In life, you want to be emotionally prepared for every kind of situation, even if it's very stressful. Very successful people have this capacity. Learning how to become relaxed through meditation or self-hypnosis is a priceless skill that can easily be learned.

The reason relaxation is so important is that you will be able to become automatically ready for most stressful situations and you won't feel too anxious or self-conscious. Self-confidence will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, and you'll be available to address any issue that comes your way regardless of how challenging it may be.

Take a look at my website where you'll find a free self-hypnosis exercise. Use it every day for best results. See my blogs for instructins on How to Meditate. And get in the compulsive habit of taking out time every day to DO NOTHING, JUST BE.

The Dalai Lama also has said, "With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world."

All the best,

Dr. Rita

     Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a Family Therapist, Psychotherapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting.

     Are there difficult children? You bet! However, in the majority ofcases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education. Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

     The best parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. In this day and age with men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before. Hey, we wanted our men to have opinions and not just be the providers, right?   

     Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have more power. First of all your child will feel secure and safe. Yes, and with that comes a happier child who is more likely to be cooperative.

     In addition, as a team you are more powerful than your child, who will be less likely to play one of you against the other. And as an added bonus you'll have someone to brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

     After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Consequences. This is the basis of all effective discipline, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love. Your child will thrive with your love in the context of clear and fair rules and consequences

     It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

     This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are consequences s/he will take you seriously and will reform.

     Next week I'll provide you with some sample cases to clarify the Art of Consequences.

All the best,

Dr. Rita

What: The ability to respond to what someone is saying to you, by maintaining an emotional distance.  This requires the listener to suspend judgment and subdue her resulting inner feelings or response. This is a good thing because it makes the person who is talking to you feel “heard” and “cared about,” and encourages them to keep talking.To use this tool successfully, it is particularly important to learn how to defer your own reactions.

Why: This way of communicating frees your partner to be honest with you and encourages him to reveal himself. Therefore, you can be completely available to be supportive of your partner’s true feelings and concerns.

How: Reflect, mirror, paraphrase, repeat, or summarize what you hear, as opposed to defend or fix. 

 Example:

 He: I’m feeling anxious about dinner with my family.
 She: So you are nervous about next week...
 He: Yeah! You know what a pain in the butt my brother

       can be.
 She: You really have a hard time with him.
 He: I guess I’ll just deal.
 She: You’ll figure it out as it comes at you.
 He: Wow! You’re so great to talk to. You really helped 

       me. I feel better.

When: Whenever someone is talking to you about anything, you can use this skill. Be it your partner, parent, friend, boss, co-worker or child.

Where: No matter where you are you can practice actively listening. But be careful, people will be think you are brilliant, because you give them the world’s greatest gift. In this busy world, few people truly listen, you can be the exception.
 

All the best,

Dr. Rita

      Red hearts and Valentine's Day is inspiring me to write about love. When I think about what makes the world go around, and life worthwhile, there's nothing more important than love. There are many different kinds of love besides romantic and sexual love, all of which are based on a deep connection based on friendship, compassion and caring.

     The foundation of love rests in our own core. The love and friendship we have with ourself. All too often we are self-critical and even hate ourselves. We were meant to love ourselves, and do so as infants, but negative experiences during childhood in our families of origin and in society often lead us to be self-judgmental and even abusive and self-punitive. We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated by others, and in turn as adults, treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we learn to be more compassionate and kind toward ourselves, we become more friendly to everyone that we come into contact with, and toward people we don't know as well. This opens the window to fully enjoying love potential.

     The love we have for our mother (usually the nurturing parent) and later our father makes the world go around for us as little people. We are madly in love with our parents as children, and if we are very lucky they with us. Remember all those Valentine Day cards you sent your parents and grandparents? How the world seemed shiny when you were sitting on their lap and basking in their love for you and for each other? These experiences built your sense of trust, hope, and self-acceptance which made love and kisses the salve for any hurt you felt. At least until adolescence.

     Although nothing is as satisfying and as happiness-provoking as love, we human beings have a way of making it the source of much unhappiness and pain. Especially when it comes to Romantic love, which we most want, we tend to imbue with far too many expectations, that unfortunately often go unmet.

     Adult romantic love gives us a second chance at the gorgeous intimacy we experienced as infants with our mothers, or that which we were missing and dreamed about. There is nothing wrong with wanting and having romantic love, yet there are two reasons that it so often goes sour so quickly. In the early stages of romance we see each other through rose-colored glasses and passion is high because early love is like a drug. Often we are driven by our gonads to decide on a partner, and leave our minds at home. In addition, our maturity level dictates our capacity for true intimacy. If we suffered from toxic love as children, or if we underwent trauma that's as yet unresolved, internal obstacles stop us from achieving these lofty goals.

     Interestingly, we can often give love better than we can take love from another when we have missed the experience of true nurturing from loving parents. This can be a healing experience, especially when we give love to children and pets because they then give us back unconditional love which can make up for the missing pieces in ourselves.

     Ultimately, to be truly loved and love back, you want to address the unresolved pain and suffering within you, so that you can open the blocked channels that have had to close off as a function of self-protection in survival modes. These served you well when you needed them in the past, but are now as vestigial as our tailbones.

All the best,

Dr. Rita